Clexa The L word
by Gloria0202
Summary: A Clexa fanfiction INSPIRED by the L word Tv show. Mostly, Tibette story line for Clexa BUT not the exact storyline (Just to be clear)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 :**

 _She has got so much love,_

 _So much more, so much love to give,_

 _She has got so much more, so much love_

 _So much more love left to give,_

 _So much pleasure…_

The sun comes up as each morning, its rays creep through the bedroom's shutters which are today unlikely not fully closed. Lexa is the first one to wake up even if she is going to spent a lazy day probably hanging out at the Grounders' the most popular café in West Hollywood she cannot help herself check again if ' _that's it!_ '.

"Clarke!" She shouts from the bathroom waiting for her wife to wake up. The blonde walks to her eyes still partially closed. Lexa is leaning on the sink with a stick in her hand, Clarke's eyes finally open wide with a sleepy smile.

"You're ovulating" She says leaning on her wife's body and starts kissing her neck.

"I'm…ovulating" Lexa manages to lets out between moans, Clarke's lips disarm her every time.

Clarke nips into her wife's skin "let's make a baby" she slides her arms around Lexa's waist and one hand goes lower to grab her woman's ass.

"Let's make a baby" Lexa chuckles feeling Clarke's hands everywhere on her.

Clarke and Lexa have been married for about three years now they have all they dreamed about, prosperous lives with successful careers, great friends, a big house with the pool in one of the most beautiful neighborhood on LA but still something was missing, something Clarke has always wanted to have but never talked about to Lexa, afraid that it might disrupt their happiness until six months ago.

 _ **She was panting under Lexa, the way she makes her feel and the way she easily drives her to the edge using only her plump lips never seems to lose its effect on her.**_

 _ **She feels Lexa smiling against her skin, she knows she is good with her lips but it's always satisfying to hear Clarke's moans or better Clarke begging "Lexa! Please" Clarke clearly needs more.**_

 _ **But of course Lexa loves to tease her wife and she knows more, the longer she teases her the harder she will cum. She resumes placing kisses on her abdomen then Clarke's heart flutters when Lexa pushes her plump lips tenderly on the lower part of her belly whispering 'I love you', she helps herself on her elbows and grabs Lexa's neck for a kiss "Come here" She lets out breathily.**_

 _ **Lexa hovers up to Clarke placing a languid kiss on her lips and after few seconds Clarke pushes her hand lightly on her chest to break the kiss. She looks at her favorite shade of green catching her breath, she wants Lexa to read her mind through her eyes but Lexa is not good at reading people so she leans in this time to peck Clarke's nose, it always makes her chuckle lightly and Lexa loves to hear that sound.**_

 _ **Clarke cups her wife's face in her hands preventing her from resuming her activity she looks again at Lexa expectantly, Lexa seems to understand that Clarke wants something or wants to say something but she can't guess. She looks knowingly at her woman "I love you" She whispers to encourage her wife onto talking.**_

 _ **Clarke smiles "I want us to have a baby" She finally blurs out, it takes Lexa by surprise but a good one her smile reaches her eyes and Clarke lets out a breath she was holding afraid that Lexa might not like the idea.**_

" _ **Then let's make a baby" Lexa wiggles her eyebrows and starts kissing her wife eagerly.**_

Clarke bids her wife goodbye with a kiss Lexa moans when it turns heated.

"I'll try to be home early" Clarke promises after she breaks the kiss "And I'll call Marcus to give us the baby liquid" Lexa replies smiling.

"Ok, great! See you tonight wifey" Clarke adds after Lexa gets out of the car.

Lexa looks at Clarke driving away thinking about how lucky she is to have such a loving wife, such a nice, sexy, careful and beautiful woman to call hers.

The first two months Clarke wanted to be the one to carry the baby, she tried many times but to no avail. She knew somehow that she has minimal chance to get pregnant due to her tests and what her Ob told her but she kept trying over and over again until one day Lexa asked to be the birth mother seeing that it was deeply affecting the bubbly and joyful Clarke, she loves. Of course, Clarke was in heavens when Lexa quitted her job to be fully prepared to give them a baby.

Lexa was a bit choosy about the process wanting to have a donor which will at least have good and smart genes so instead of getting anonymous donors' sperm from the sperm bank they made a list of all their male friends and colleagues that may be interesting in getting some of their genes for their future baby and Marcus was one of the artists who was working with Clarke.

Tonight again, they will be trying not in a clinic but in an intimate way, Lexa asked Clarke to be involved in the process wanting to give her something, something that may make her happy and it was more romantic anyway. Clarke went with the idea knowing that Lexa is trying to give her something that she wants badly but may never have without her help.

She gets into the café "Grounders" and goes straight to their usual spot where she, Clarke and along with all their friends gather usually but today Clarke went right to work to get everything done and go back home early for their special night.

Lexa sits next to her friends hoping that Clarke won't be late again especially tonight she wants to spend the night making love with her and making a baby. She doesn't want to be alone, she has done it before whenever Clarke couldn't make it home, she pleasured herself and shoot the sperm into her vagina and crossed her fingers hoping it will work but it felt wrong and she spent the night questioning the idea since Clarke got promoted to the Director of the California art center she has been busy and absent how is it a good idea to have a baby in such an important step of her wife's career. She might even regret it later when they won't be able to get much sleep and she will be missing all of her baby's firsts.

However tonight, she doesn't want to think or question it she wants to have Clarke for her and she would wait all night for her to come back home and get her pregnant. Since she's been trying, the idea of having a baby became more of a wish for herself. She never thought about having babies before, sure she wanted to have kids one day with Clarke but she always thought they will adopt or Clarke would be the one getting pregnant. However now, it is all she is craving for.

"Hey, you have Clarke's lipstick on you" Raven remarks trying to wipe it off.

"I assume things are getting better" Octavia joins them with their usual order.

Lexa smiles "Yeah!" She shrugs "It's happening tonight and she'll be with me this time" She explains happily.

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Raven interrupts confused.

"We're talking about the insemination, Rey" Octavia replies and then she looks back at Lexa.

"Why I'm the last one to hear about that?" Raven pouts.

"Because you're not as a good friend as me" Octavia deadpans before taking a bite from her doughnut wiggling her eyebrows.

"Fuck you" Raven mopes.

"Shhhh! Rey, not in front of" Octavia points her index at Lexa's belly.

"Shut up, she's not even knocked up yet" Raven replies.

"But you gotta used to talking clean" Octavia adds knowing that she's pushing the limits of her friend's patience.

Lexa acquiesces with a grin and it is all it takes for Raven "Really?" And again Lexa nods.

"Ok! I'm leaving and don't come later to ask me for help when your POLITE baby needs help in his science project" Raven replies looking at Lexa. She drinks her coffee and leaves them laughing.

"You're so rude to her" Lexa looks back at Octavia "But I get it, me and Clarke first hated each other's guts! Do you remember?" Lexa says cheekily.

Octavia frowns at what Lexa was meaning "Yeah I remember but it's nothing like that! You know I just like to irritate her there's nothing…nothing gay about it" She excuses herself.

"If you say so" Lexa shrugs and starts eating her pancakes.

"Hey! What's the matter" Luna approaches their table with a tea in her hand.

"Nothing, we're talking about the days when Lexa and Clarke were enemies" Octavia replies and Lexa raises her eyebrow missing the way the younger brunette's eyes pleaded her to not talk about her and Raven.

"Pfff! You guys have the best relationship of anybody I know gay or straight, you're way over the enemies' stage" Luna replies.

"I know, we were actually talking about Raven and…" Lexa was about to talk when Octavia interrupted her "Oh, hey Luna can I join your book club next week?"

Lexa feels guilty at making her friend uncomfortable so she lets it go and doesn't bother her further about the subject.

"I never thought you'd be interested in reading, never seen you read!" Luna looks weirdly at her friend.

"I do, I…I just love to read short things not books…I've been reading fanfiction lately and now I want to go for it you know but I might need encouragement I don't know, I think the reading club might help" She shrugs her shoulders.

"That's so gay!" Luna comments.

"What?" She looks at both her friends blushingly.

"Fanfiction, O! Reading fanfiction is so gay you know, right Lex?" Luna looks at Lexa who nods with a smile.

"I really need to meet new people" Octavia replies and leaves the table annoyed.

"God! She's pickling in her self-loading homophobia, isn't she?" Luna looks at Octavia going back to her work.

"Yeah!" Lexa replies sadly, seeing her friend torturing herself into being someone else and fearing to come out of the closet is not as funny as it may appear it pains her.

"I mean all her group of friends think that she's a gay Lady and we still love her, we all are a bunch of gays anyway" Lexa laughs at Luna's last words.

"Yeah, I know! And we're not all gay! You're not…but we know that she is but she doesn't so we won't be pushing her" Lexa replies.

"Ok! Fine by me and I swing both sides now, update your gossip app" Luna says.

"Ok, I'm sorry I've been…absent lately me and Clarke are trying to have a baby again and I'm caught up in the baby euphoria bubble you know!" Lexa explains.

"Congrats" Luna replies happily.

"Oh we're still trying, not there yet so that explains why I've been away these last couple of weeks" Lexa smiles weakly at her friend.

"No problem, we should gather next weekend and catch up" Luna suggests "I'll invite you guys, for dinner maybe?".

"Good idea" Lexa agrees.

"I'll call you about that, I need to leave now" Luna stands up "But I won't promise to not tease O about her gayness at least for one last time" Luna winks.

Lexa takes her phone and calls Clarke's colleague Marcus who was happy to help them to get a baby. She told him that it will be nice if he could come by their place and get it done because they'll be trying tonight. He agreed and said that he'll come to her place right before dinner. It was a little difficult for her to be the one to ask but for Clarke she would do anything.

Clarke got in her office and started ordering and working right away not wanting to waste any minute of her day. She has big plans tonight and she's willing to wrap everything up before dinner time and goes back home early enough to cook dinner for her beloved wife.

"Clarke! You need to chill a little bit seriously cause at this pace you're going to make them hate you" Jasper comments.

"They don't hate me! They love me" Clarke replies.

"Really!" He looks at her.

"I know! It's just today, I want to leave early and in order to do that I need to wrap everything up before 6 so I can go home and get my wife pregnant" Clarke smiles toothily.

"If you need help, I'm here" He says.

"Shut up and go back to your work please!" Clarke looks boosily at him.

"The boss look Ok ok I'm leaving, just keep in mind…" He laughs when Clarke throws at him a notebook "Go".

"Straight men, huh!" Clarke hears a woman's voice, she turns and takes a look at her "You are?" Clarke asks not sure to have seen her around.

"Niylah" The blonde woman introduces herself.

"Clarke, the director" Clarke replies shaking Niylah's hand.

"I know! It's kind of hard to miss it, I mean you're the leader here" Niylah replies looking flirtatiously at Clarke's body.

"Oh! Thanks" Clarke blushes then quickly adds "You still didn't tell me what you are! I mean you're Niylah but?"

"True! I'm Niylah, the new interior designer you asked for!" She explains.

"Good! Are you ready? I mean there's a lot to do today" Clarke says.

"Of course, I'm always ready" She winks.

At the end of the day Clarke drives home on time, even earlier than Lexa was expecting her.

"Don't, I'll be cooking tonight for my lady" Clarke says taking Lexa's apron off of her and trailing kisses on her neck.

"Ow really" Lexa smirks leaning into Clarke's front.

She hums "I wanna make it up to you for all the days I've been working" Clarke adds.

"I don't mind" Lexa shrugs "I can still cook however I'll need you in bed".

"Uh uh, this is not up for discussion, I'm cooking and I'll make love to you, all night long and hopefully get you pregnant" Clarke whispers sexily in her wife's ear after nipping on it.

"God! I'd love that…we should try everyday not only when I'm ovulating" Lexa replies.

Clarke finally takes a step back from Lexa's back and turns her so they are face to face "I've been thinking about you all day" Clarke says between kisses.

"And I've been waiting for you to come home all day" Lexa replies looking at Clarke's blue eyes "I love you" She adds before leaning again in for a kiss.

"I think we should skip dinner" Clarke breaks the kiss and looks with a smirk at her wife.

"No! We need food first and you need at least one healthy meal per day" Lexa refuses tapping her wife's ass.

"You're going to be a great mom" Clarke replies sarcastically.

"I'm going to be THE BEST mom" Lexa says before leaving her in the kitchen alone.

Later that evening, Luna called Octavia to hang out with her at a bar and she gladly agreed. She wants to have some fun and get drunk, she wants to meet new people and she wants to get laid. She is feeling frustrated this last few days and if she can have a one night stand, why not!

As soon as they got into the bar, Octavia started drinking and checking men out while Luna was just enjoying her night at the bar and later Raven joins them with some girl. After the first few drinks, Octavia was barely able to stand on her two feet and let along handle the presence of Raven and her date.

"Why are you acting so fucking old" Octavia looks at Luna questioningly.

"I'm not, I'm just enjoying my drink but clearly not as much as you are" Luna replies with a smile.

"Clearly" Octavia says then looks back at a group of friends on the other corner of the club "I need to get laid and it seems like the good ones are not here tonight".

Luna looks where Octavia's gaze was and she eyed the group of friends "I think they're just not your type" She says taking another sip from her beer.

"Or they're just a bunch of gays" Octavia lets out rather harshly and snapping Raven and the girl from their bubble. They both look at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Such a homophobic" Raven's date leaves.

"Hey wait" Raven shouts and looks at Octavia angrily "You need to stop that thing or get a shrink you really need to stop this homophobia".

"Fuck you" Octavia replies getting angry herself.

"You wish" Raven says running after her date out of the bar.

"Then look there at 3, that woman in black has been eye fucking you since we stepped in, if you need to get laid, it's your chance" Luna tries looking at Octavia's reaction.

"What? No, she's not" Octavia looks at the woman who smiled at her and lift her drink.

"Oh yeah she is" Luna laughs.

"Fuck! What am I supposed to do, Lu?" Octavia looks nervously at her friend.

"Just go with it, have some fun you said you wanna get laid as easy as that!" Luna replies.

"What? No, I'm not…" She waves with her drink in the air between the two of them "into women. I can't do that" She says.

"You don't need to be into women to appreciate a good fuck" Luna replies "I've slept with women and lemme tell you! They know how…" Octavia leaves Luna talking alone and heads to the bathroom.

Raven goes back to the bar and orders another drink, her date left before she could talk to her.

"Whiskey please!" She shouts to the barman, he nods at her and when she turns to look at her friends she sees Octavia leaving Luna with an angry look so she decides to follow her.

"Hey! What's up with you tonight O?" Raven looks worryingly at her.

"Nothing" Octavia replies before stepping in the bathroom.

Raven freezes for a moment then steps in after Octavia who turns and looks at her. None of them dare to speak, Raven knows that her friend is highly drunk and Octavia is afraid to say anything, she can't trust her words especially after seeing that woman all over Raven and feeling so frustrated and on the edge. But here is Raven dangerously walking towards her silently like she is some sort prey.

"Rav.." The name of her friend dies on the owner's lips, Raven backs her against the wall and kisses her passionately.

She feels out of space Raven's lips are so soft and so addictive, she doesn't want to stop kissing her but is it the booze that's messing with her head! No, it is Raven's warm body against hers, and it is Raven's hands all over her body which is making it difficult for her to see clear. When Raven's hand cups her breast and brush her perked nipple, Octavia pushes her like if she was burning her. She looks at her friend shaking her head slowly in disbelief while touching her own lips then rushes out of the bathroom leaving Raven all by herself.

"Fuck, Raven what did you do!" She mumbles to herself. It's going to be even weirder now between the two of them like the constant picking on each other's nerves is not enough now there's sexual tension on top.

"How long do I have to stay this way?" Lexa asks Clarke with her legs up against the headboard of her bed.

Clarke leans down and places a kiss on her mouth "Do you want me to try the diaphragm again? Maybe it will help!" She asks cheekily.

Lexa frowns hearing the doorbell "Did we forget something?".

"No!" Clarke replies with a hesitant tone putting on her robe "Don't move, our baby is settling" She leans again and kisses her wife.

Clarke opens the door finding Octavia and Luna at her doorstep.

"Hi, were you sleeping?" Luna asks.

"Not exactly" Clarke says eyeing her friends confused.

"Sorry we called but none answered" Luna explains.

"So the logical conclusion is just to come over?" Clarke deadpans looking at them expecting a reply.

"No, it's an emergency and I'm drunk and she needs your expertise" Luna excuses herself getting in uninvited.

"I'm so embarrassed, I'm sorry" Octavia pouts blushingly.

Clarke grabs her wrist and pushes her into her house "It's Ok, O we were finished".

Clarke walks to her bedroom, Luna and Octavia follows her she throws the sheet on her wife's body to cover her intimacy.

"Oh hey!" Luna says seeing Lexa in not a conventional position then she sees the syringe on the nightstand "What's this" she takes it eyes it a moment and then she clicks it hearing Lexa replying "It's Marcus Allenwood" The left sperm in the syringe ends up on Octavia's shirt who freaks out.

"That's disgusting" Luna chuckles.

"Stop moving lemme help" Clarke says to her trying to wipe it out of her shirt.

"Get it off me, get it off of me" She says repulsed.

"Alright, alright, you're not getting pregnant through your shirt, O" Luna laughs.

"Thanks, I got it" She takes the towel from Clarke's hand.

"Oh my god, so we could be here at the moment of conception!" Luna smiles at the couple.

"You could yeah" Clarke smiles happily.

"Don't be so smug" Lexa taps her thigh.

"I've the right to be, you're my wife" Clarke excuses herself.

"She's totally right though" Luna says to Lexa.

"Ok, ok I see you're teaming with Clarke" Lexa pouts.

"We should leave, I'm really sorry" Octavia says "Clearly it's not the time for this" She tries to leave but Luna grabs her arm.

"It's Ok O, really we're finished anyway" Clarke explains.

"So tell us guys what's the emergency?" Lexa asks seriously looking at her friends.

"Octavia is gay" Luna blurs out seeing that her friend is having hard time thinking let along talking.

"That's not an emergency! That's a fact and not even a new one!" Clarke says looking puzzled.

"What?" Octavia is taken aback by Clarke's words.

"See! I told you" Luna looks at Lexa.

"You told her what?" Octavia looks at them.

"You're gay" Lexa replies with an apologetic smile.

Octavia looks at her friends one at the time then sits down on the hassock behind her a second ago she was leaving.

"Fuck" She breathes out.

"What happened though?" Lexa asked curious about what made finally Octavia realize her gayness.

"Some random girl kissed her in the bathroom and she enjoyed it" Luna again replies instead of her friend.

"That's…" Lexa tries to find the right word "interesting" Clarke looks at her "What? It's not interesting Lex; it's more than that clearly".

"How?" Octavia finally talks intrigued to know more.

"Well you really are oblivion to your gayness and if you enjoyed a kiss from a random woman that means you're like totally gay, there's no doubt about that" Clarke adds.

"It's not" Octavia disagrees with her friend.

"And why is that?" Luna looks at her questioningly.

"It's…fuck! What if it's the alcohol which is messing with my head?" Octavia looks desperately at them.

"You're drunk and that makes you more you and it took out the stick in your butt so you finally are acting spontaneously and you're embracing your gayself" Clarke comments "Congratulations, I'm happy for you".

"Congratulations" Lexa and Luna says in unison.

"That's so stupid" Octavia replies frustrated.

"At least you're going to stop getting on Raven's nerves" Luna says and Octavia huffs "Shut up, thank you guys and sorry for ruining your night" Octavia says before stepping out of the bedroom.

Luna stays for few seconds, not willing to move "Well, do you guys need any help?" She winks at them.

"God! Get out" Clarke throws a pillow at her she bids them goodnight and finally leaves.

"So, do you wanna go for another round, there's some magic liquid left" Clarke says placing her hand between her wife's legs.

"I think I'd like that, we need to get the odds in our side" Lexa smiles.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

 _I'll be the sun again,_

 _I'll be the sun again,_

Unusually, Octavia doesn't show up to her café and instructs her employees to handle things on their own for the day. She woke up with a terrible hang over. She hardly walks from her bedroom to her kitchen where she takes a bottle of water and gulps some pain killers then makes herself a coffee.

It has been a while she hasn't get so drunk, even when she went with the girls out the night at clubs or bars she is not a big drinker she is even the responsible one and the designed driver for some nights.

She tries to not think about Raven, about their kiss and about Raven's date and how she felt when she saw her hands all over her friend Raven. Her friend. This is what they are supposed to be for each other. Sure when they first met in high school they were best friends but then after graduation things changed.

 _ **Precisely one night, they both were drunk in Raven's bedroom when she felt the urge to kiss her best friend not the peck she gives her each morning they meet to drive to high school together no, not that innocent peck.**_

 _ **She wants more, she wants to bite Raven's lips, she wants to lick Raven's lips, she wants to kiss her neck, and she wants to touch her but she can't.**_

 _ **She was laughing and smiling nervously at whatever Raven was telling her, her brain is too focused on Raven's lips instead what she's saying. Raven looks at her worried "O, are you alright?" But of course Octavia was somewhere else she frowns and scoots closer to her best friend and puts her hand on her thigh to get her attention but to no avail, so she tries again squeezing lightly "O?" And right at this moment Raven finally understands.**_

 _ **Octavia, her best friend is staring at her lips while biting her own lower lip. That can't be happening. She takes her hand off of her and gets back on her place and doesn't look back at her best friend.**_

 _ **It is only then that Octavia snaps of her thoughts and comes back to reality, she realizes that Raven noticed her staring at her lips. She doesn't know what to say, or what to think of how Raven is reacting! Is she mad at her? That can't be, they swore to each other to never stay angry and talk things out. They are best friends, they need each other.**_

 _ **She shifts closer to Raven gathering all her strength "I'm sorry Rey" She doesn't know why she is apologizing. There are so many things that she should apologize for, she should apologize about not listening to her best friend, she should apologize about the staring, she should apologize about making her best friend angry, she should apologize for making her best friend feeling awkward and she should apologize for not being honest to her best friend. However for the last one she can't, she is not even honest with herself**_

 _ **It takes a while for Raven to reply but it seems like even if she didn't hurry to reply, her reply came out the wrong way. She chose the wrong words "It's fine, O you're drunk".**_

 _ **As true these words might have been, they were wrong even for Octavia who is not honest with herself. Octavia was staring at her best friend's lips and not listening not because she is drunk but because she couldn't help herself.**_

 _ **Despite feeling hurt, Octavia shifts closer to Raven and hugs her "We'll be ok…I know it's going to be hard to be away on your own but you know you will always be my best friend!".**_

 _ **Raven finally looks at her best friend "Thank you" She smiles tenderly at her. She has been tense these days and she didn't know why until Octavia spoke.**_

 _ **She is right, she is afraid to be alone in another state to study no matter how exciting the news is to get into the university of her dreams but it didn't feel right for her to leave her best friend alone while she is going to live the college life and experience new stuff without her.**_

 _ **It doesn't feel right to live the life they both dreamed about. In their dreams and plans they were always together. How can Octavia be so selfless and be happy for her? How can Octavia be so forgiving while clearly she is going to abandon her?**_

" _ **I can't! I can't do it without you" Raven blurs out tears gathering in her eyes.**_

" _ **Yes, you can! I know you can…I want you to do it, if it is not for you at least do it for me Rey! It's not fucking everyone who gets in there!" Octavia pleads her best friend "I'll visit" She says with an encouraging smile.**_

 _ **Raven chokes on a sob "I'll come back and kill you if you don't…I'll miss you" Octavia smiles at her "Of course, you'll".**_

Octavia and Raven kept in touch, at least for the first few months it wasn't difficult to keep in touch they both had what needed for that, the most difficult thing was to hear about each other's date especially for Octavia. Later on, they started drifting apart and one day they both realized that it didn't hurt anymore to not hear or share each other's lives on the phone as it used to.

When Raven came back to the city and started working she stopped unannounced at the Blakes' café but the billboard at the entrance read "Grounders" and it was much bigger and chic. She wasn't sure about what she was expecting to find but she ordered a café and waited to see a familiar face. Sure she wasn't expecting to see Octavia again because clearly the café had another name but what surprised the most was that Octavia was in the arms of a muscular big guy kissing at the back.

A hint of a smile crept on her face but quickly enough it disappeared. It was good to see her best friend but it brought back some pain in her chest. She felt angry at Octavia all of a sudden she blamed her for not keeping in touch but then she lowered her gaze not sure why. Maybe she shouldn't blame her for disappearing after all she was the first one to leave her, to abandon her. Octavia never noticed her presence that day and Raven never made her presence known either.

After few months, Raven came back to the café less pained and happier to be in town, she settled again and renewed her bond with the streets where she and Octavia shared so much. She didn't feel nostalgic and angry anymore as she used to feel the first few weeks. She decided that it was about damn time to let her presence known and maybe get her best friend back.

She did at first, it took them a while to catch up Raven was always busy at work and her lab while Octavia was either at her café or with her boyfriend. They managed to meet once in a while but it didn't last long they quickly started to fight over stupid things like two teenagers whereas they never really did when they actually were two teenagers. Their meetings became crowded of course Octavia's boyfriend was always there and then Octavia's friends too and it was much easier for them to be together in a crowd as they didn't focus much on their hidden grudges towards one another.

Raven was the first one to show up at the café much earlier than usual hoping to meet a certain old best friend, a certain brunette but she got unlucky. Then Luna, Lexa and Clarke joined her.

"Good morning" Clarke says with a smile reaching her eyes.

"Morning" Lexa and Luna says in unison to Raven.

"Good morning" Raven smiled back weakly.

"Where's our breakfast?" Lexa asks looking at the counter at the other side of the café.

"I'll bring it" Clarke says heading to the counter.

"Waw, she's so domesticated" Luna comments.

"She's whipped" Raven laughs "But it's nice to see it, you guys still have the hots for one another after so long".

"Yeah, I'm a keeper and hot as fuck" Lexa smirks.

"Shut up, you both are" Raven replies.

Clarke comes back to the table with hands full, she starts serving her wife than refills Raven's mug the usual boring black coffee and heads back for her order and Luna's.

"O is not here!" Clarke remarks when she's back.

"Not a surprise" Luna deadpans and Raven eyes her.

"Did you know she wasn't coming today?" Raven asks feeling like Luna knows something, maybe Octavia told her about their kiss.

Luna looks hesitantly then replies "She had a rough night".

"You let her drink, what were you expecting!" Raven says accusingly.

"Yeah! She got drunk so what?" She shrugs.

"You're stupid" Raven replies Luna harshly and both her friends look shocked at her tone "Everyone knows O doesn't handle the alcohol very well"

"Relax Rey, she's capable of taking care of herself and she's not a baby" Lexa replies instead of Luna trying to ease the tension.

"Raven is right, she freaked out yesterday and you guys interrupted our baby making session" Clarke says and Lexa elbows her "You're not helping Clarke!".

"What? It's true she freaked out because she got kissed a girl at the bar" Clarke explains.

Raven's breath hitched, she told them "Did she tell you who is it?".

"No, just a random girl and it freaked her out she is so oblivion" Clarke says in an annoyed tone.

Hearing Clarke's words hurt "random girl" so this is what she is for Octavia, just a random girl. She needed air, she suddenly feels unable to breathe she looks at Lexa who is staring at her "I'm sorry! I've to leave…work you know" She barely manages to let out the words without crying.

"You guys are stupid" Lexa says angrily.

"What?" Luna looks back at her.

"I think Raven is hurt! I think there's something going on between the two of them" She replies in a seriously.

"No, Raven is dating a very hot girl she was at the bar with us" She says indifferent.

"She what?" Clarke's eyes bulge "Lexa is right! What if Raven is the random girl?" Her eyes widen even more if it's even possible.

"Shit" Luna lets out.

Clarke gets back to work a little bit concerned about her friends but as soon as she gets into the office she forgets about them. Today she has an important board meeting about the next exhibition and she was more than ready to present a new idea she is sure will capture the interest and curiosity of the assembly.

"Provocations is intended to do just that, provoke!" Clarke walks through the meeting room with confidence like she owns the place "It is daring, it is intense, and it is the edge that we've been looking for and with a little financing it will be the CAC's spring exhibition" She stops and looks proudly at the men and women in suits wearing their surprised looks.

"Isn't that our slot for the impressionist?" An old man replies while all the others look at her.

"Yes, but we've showed impressions in winter for the last five years in a row, I thought this years we'll wow them with something different" Clarke replies nervously.

"We can't move the impressionist" The good looking woman that has been staring at Clarke finally speaks but nothing good as her looks.

Clarke looks at her with a bit of surprise "Everybody loves the impressionists" The woman stands up looking deep into Clarke's eyes in a studying way.

Clarke feels uncomfortable but succeeds to hide it "Well you hired me to create a new profile for the CAC and the provocations' exhibit will put us on the map…"Clarke continues to arguments her choice but to no avail. It seems like the board is stubborn and insists on keeping things the traditional way.

She leaves the meeting with nothing but more rivals and a headache, she lets her body fall on her chair massaging her pulse point.

Knock knock

"Enter" She replies annoyed.

"Hard day hein!" Niylah says stepping in Clarke's office.

"Just the usual" Clarke replies.

"I can help with that" Niylah points to Clarke's hand on her pulse point.

"Oh, it is ok. Did you need anything?" Clarke asks but Niylah doesn't reply instead she walks closer and starts massaging Clarke.

First Clarke felt tense when Niylah's hand touched her but then after few moves from her fingers she relaxed.

Niylah was smiling "See, I told you I can help" Niylah saus suggestively and it snaps Clarke out of her thoughts.

"Yeah, you're good at that…it's already working" Clarke replies honestly.

"I'm good at everything with my fingers" Niylah flirts and it makes Clarke shiver. She feels guilty even though she is doing nothing. She stands up and starts pacing through her office then she stops abruptly and looks at Niylah "Did you need anything Niylah? I'm busy, I thought we settled everything yesterday!" She says formally.

"Oh yeah we did! You just seemed nervous and I thought maybe you needed a friend!" Niylah replies softly.

"I'm sorry, it's nice of you but maybe another day. I really have a lot to do" Clarke feels guilty of snapping at the woman thinking she was hitting on her.

"I'd like that" Niylah smiles and leaves her office.

Raven drives car fast to Octavia's place, she needs to get things clear with her. Hearing Clarke saying that Octavia said 'just a random girl' about her felt like a heart break, a short and intense one.

She knocks furiously at the door, not trusting herself to not cry if she keeps herself away from Octavia anymore. Soon, Octavia opens the door still wearing nothing but a big pyjama shirt and only her panties and her hair loose on her shoulders.

She looks surprised, tired but surprised neither her nor Raven knows what to say. She gulps waiting for Raven to say anything after all she is the one knocking at her door not the other way around. But Raven doesn't know what to say, she pushes Octavia lightly and gets in quickly Octavia locks the door and looks at her best friend, well they are just friends now.

"What do you want?" It comes out harshly then she intended, Raven doesn't dare to look at her she knows she will cry or shout her pain out and it will only makes things worse.

"Random girl" She blurs out her voice broken.

"I…what I was supposed to say Rey?" Octavia replies angrily.

Raven finally dares to look at her "Maybe you could have said, Rey, Raven, my best friend" She manages to keep her tears unshed.

"Best friend? We both now we no longer are besties Rey" Raven walks to her kitchen, Raven is stunned by Octavia's coldness and indifference.

She follows her wiping the tears that betrayed her the moment Octavia turned and walked to her kitchen "Is it what you want?" Raven asks with a lower voice.

"What?" The little brunette asks confused.

"Do you want me to just disappear, not be your best friend and leave? If you want it I can do that" Raven threatens.

"We can't say you're not good at it" Octavia says sarcastically.

"You asked me to leave, O" Raven's pitch gets higher "I did it for us, I did it for us O, I wanted to make our dreams come true but then I lost you along the way and I failed O, I failed to make our dreams come true" Raven cries out the words.

Octavia keeps silent, she doesn't know how to act she freezes she has never seen Raven cry and especially not in front of her.

"It was OUR dream, maybe you don't get it O, maybe you're still blinded by your fucking homophobia but this dream was to be together, I failed because we weren't together and it lost its sense its purpose without my bestfriend" Raven looks at her waiting for her to say something but Octavia cannot make her mind especially after last night at the bar, she doesn't know why it felt so wrong yet so right at the same time. She is confused and cannot rush into taking a decision or giving hope to Raven, it's complicated.

"I'm sorry, Raven" She looks anywhere but at Raven.

"What am I to you, O? If we're not best friends?" Raven asks desperately expecting a reply.

"We're nothing, Rey. Leave" Octavia's voice is harsh and intended this time, it hurts her to kick Raven out but she can't deal with anything and especially not the pressure.

Raven walks into her personal space and places a kiss on her cheek "I won't bother you anymore" The kiss was for her, she needed to take it at least for a last time if she is going to give Octavia space.

For more than a week, Raven didn't show up at Octavia's café. Octavia was relieved to not have to deal with her but at the same time she missed seeing her.

"Seriously guys I know Raven is always busy but did anyone of you talk to her this last few days?" Lexa looks concerned "Luna?" She looks at her and the brunette shakes her head "No".

Lexa looks at Octavia's brother Bellamy "No sorry" He shrugs and then Lexa looks at Octavia she doesn't want to ask her because she noticed that her friend leaves whenever Raven is mentioned "O?" the brunette replies shaking her head and then looks away avoiding to meet her friend's eyes.

"Babe, stop worrying I'm sure Rey is fine" Clarke says kissing her forehead before leaving the table "Sorry guys but I have to take this call" Lexa looks at her wife leaving the table, she misses her Clarke, this last days she has been staying late at her work and whenever she comes home she is on her phone. She miss being intimate with her wife and she misses just with her, feel her presence.

She decides to ask Clarke to come home early, dress sexy and catch up with her but then Clarke leaves hurriedly the café and so Lexa follows her, Clarke was on the phone "Ok, call me back with the directions, thanks" She looks at her with a pout "You're leaving!".

Clarke smiles apologetically at her wife and kisses her before getting in her car and leaves. Lexa won't be surprised if Clarke doesn't come home tonight she is practically married to her work too.

She goes back in and bids her friends goodbye before driving to Raven's lab. She needs to check on her friend.

"Hey stranger" Lexa says getting into her friend's lab with Raven's favorite coffee and doughnuts from the Grounders' café.

"Hi, Lexa" Raven smiles happily at her friend "And I thought I don't have friends" Raven lets out sarcastically.

"You do have friends Rey" Lexa walks to her and wraps her in a hug.

"I missed you" Lexa says "We missed you" She corrects after releasing Raven.

"So?" Lexa knows Raven is very aware of the reason she's paying her a visit at her work place so she goes right into the subject but Raven isn't willing to.

"So, Bellamy is back!" She comments instead of replying her friend.

"Yeah! How did you know?" Lexa frowns.

"His hand writing on the cup" Raven points out and Lexa shakes her head understandably.

"Raven!" Lexa tries to get her friend's attention.

"Fine!" Raven huffs "I've just been busy and I needed space" She looks at her wishing that Lexa won't ask further questions.

"Ok! I'm not leaving" Lexa lets Raven know and the younger brunette laughs.

"Better" Lexa comments about Raven's laugh "Clarke left early today" Lexa starts to complain "I really feel lonely, it's like even when she's with me…I don't know she is not she is either working through the phone calls or just asleep cause she's exhausted from work".

"I can't blame her, she is passionate about what she does and I respect that" Raven explains.

"I know, but what about me?" Lexa asks pouting.

"Lexa! You and Clarke are literally made for each other, just bare with her you know Clarke loves you more than anything and anyone I'm sure of that" Raven explains and Lexa nods "I know! I'm just feeling left out" She adds then Raven gives her a look and she quickly apologizes "I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said that to you!".

Raven laughs "It's Ok Lexa! I know you all guys know each other before any of you knew me".

"It's not like that! I don't feel like that, I mean sure it is the truth but I feel like you and I have a lot more in common" Lexa says.

"At least we have that in common, the loneliness" Raven jokes.

"Yeah, about that! What do you think about movie night at my place?" Lexa asks.

"We're not old, Lexa! We can go out" Raven replies.

"Yeah but you know" Lexa points at her belly.

"Oh, right! Is something in there? Cause you might be 8 months and I won't know about it, I'm always the last one to know" Raven says and Lexa elbows her "Shut up you make me feel fat! I'm not! Believe me at the 8th month, it would be visible and it is not like we mean it Rey! You just are always leaving I mean you just disappeared for a week or so without any reason" Lexa explains.

"Right!" Raven nods and Lexa asks again "So, it is a yes? Movie night at my place?" Raven nods with a smile "I can't believe you're using me to not feel lonely".

"Shut up we're best friends and we're meant to use each other in need" Lexa smiles and Raven's heart aches ' _Best friends_ ' her real best friend didn't want her and now her friend she knows for only two years is proudly telling her that she's her best friend.

"Thank you for coming" Raven looks at her friend gratefully.

The next few days goes like a blur, Clarke keeps on fighting the board to get something good for the exhibition which means she has been traveling and more absent but Lexa was feeling better about it or more likely she was trying to with the help of Raven who spent her free time with her at home just chilling.

Clarke didn't feel like she was neglecting her wife, she was too busy with her work and solving the problems there and she was surrounded by her assistant who always stayed late with her.

"Monty, I really appreciate it but you don't really need to stay each time I do, you should go" Clarke looks appreciatively at him.

"I don't mind" He shrugs.

"I know but I really feel bad about keeping you here every night! Don't you have a girlfriend to go to?" She looks smiling at him.

"Boyfriend? No" He corrects her.

"Oh, sorry! I didn't want to assume I mean I kind of knew but I didn't want to assume!" Clarke tries desperately to explain.

"It's ok" He laughs.

"Thanks! Now it is an order you should leave. I'll be fine" She looks at him seriously.

"Ok! See you tomorrow then" He says leaving Clarke alone.

Not long after that, Niylah steps in unannounced and Clarke doesn't notice her presence eyes closed with the music loud until she feels a hand on hers, she jolts opening her eyes.

"God! You freaked me out" She took her hand.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you" Niylah apologizes before sitting next to Clarke.

"You should go home, you were going to sleep" Niylah says with a smile.

"I know but there's still things to do" Clarke rubs her eyes "How is the work going?" Clarke asks.

"You can't help yourself, do you?" Niylah laughs "No talking about work" Niylah places her hand on Clarke's arm and looks softly at her "Lemme grab something and I'll be back" Niylah walks out of Clarke's office leaving her confused.

"Here" Niylah comes back with two beers, she hands Clarke one.

"I…no! We shouldn't" Clarke says.

"Oh come on Clarke you deserve a break" Niylah smiles at her.

"Not here, not with you" Clarke replies seriously but then she sees the hurt in Niylah's eyes "I'm sorry, I mean I'm your boss! Shouldn't you despise me with all the hell and pressure I'm causing?" Clarke explains.

"Yeah maybe but you're not like all my bosses and…well I'm not working, my work is done for today" Niylah clings her beer to Clarke's one.

"Fine" She huffs taking a gulp from her beer too.

After few beers, Clarke got more acquainted to Niylah and she felt more comfortable about being with her alone on the same couch than earlier.

When Clarke's phone chimed she ignored it, Niylah dared her to not pick it up and so Clarke did.

"I'm impressed! You're finally chilling….I knew someone fun was under your fine suits and dresses" Niylah says with a smirk.

"What? I'm fun" Clarke frowns.

"Yeah! That's what I'm saying but you're not there yet" Niylah winks leaving Clarke smiling.

She looks around her office and realizes that Niylah is right, she became so driven in her work that she forgot how to have fun, she forgot how to live outside of her work. She smiles to herself thinking about the way she used to be with her friends and Lexa but they are not going out anymore as they used to.

' _Maybe it's ok to have a little fun, maybe Niylah is the one who can help with it_ ' She thinks to herself then goes back to her work. And so, Niylah keeps coming with drinks every night she sees Clarke's office lit and they would chill, drink, talk, laugh and then Niylah would bid her good bye with a kiss on her cheek which made Clarke uncomfortable but happy anyway. She made her feel less tense and made things easier, she gave her ideas and she could talk to her for hours without feeling like Niylah is bored.

As for Lexa, she spends her time mostly with Raven at her place or at the gym with Bellamy and Raven too.

First, Raven was feeling a little bit awkward at hanging out with Bellamy because she knows he is aware that something happened with her sister, Raven thinks that maybe Octavia told her brother or maybe he just knows, he has seen them together for so long.

Today, she feels brave enough to meet with her friends at Octavia's café, she stopped thinking too much about her and it felt right to just go and act normal.

"Good morning everyone" She says.

"Morning, Rey" Luna says.

"Hi" Lexa greets her with a smile feeling proud of Raven's bravery.

"Nice seeing you in here" Bellamy replies.

Lexa looks at Clarke who is typing on her phone smiling she nudges her "Clarke!"

"I'm sorry! Hey Raven" Clarke blushes shoving her phone in her pocket.

"Where have you been all this time, Rey?" Luna asks accusingly.

"Work? Home!" She replies with a smile.

"Nuh uh, wrong answer! I know you've been hanging out with Lexa" Luna corrects her.

"And me" Bellamy adds.

"Yeah, that too" She smiles at Lexa, they have been getting closer lately and she was grateful for having Lexa's friendship.

"You are?" Clarke looks at her wife confused.

"Uh, yeah!" Lexa looks even more confused, it is not like they talk they barely wake up together and take their coffee with their friends Clarke looks away from her wife's eyes, she knows she has been absent and now she feels bad about it.

"Ok! Have a good day guys" Clarke says before leaving without kissing her wife goodbye.

Luna and Bellamy look at Lexa but the brunette tries to avoid their questioning look meanwhile Raven was glancing at Octavia who was approaching their table hesitantly.

"Hi guys" She smiles looking at Luna which was sitting next to Raven.

"Hey" Luna replies and Lexa feels more than happy about Octavia's presence taking away the unwanted attention to her.

Raven looks at her "Good morning, O" She says with a barely audible voice, Octavia doesn't even look at her and starts talking with the group until Lexa stands up to leave.

"See you later?" She looks at Raven who nods.

"I might join you guys" Bellamy adds.

"Ok see you later" Lexa agrees before leaving.

Raven gets fed up and walks to the bathroom and just before she leaves it, Octavia steps in closing the door behind her. The scenes is a déjà-vu but slightly different, this time it's Raven who is surprised by the way Octavia walks boldly to her.

Raven smiles because she misses her friend, she misses her best friend and she misses Octavia's lips "Hey" She whispers.

"Don't" Octavia says before slamming her against the wall and kisses her passionately.

She feels Raven reciprocating the kiss and it is all it takes her to let her hands all over her best friend's body. Raven doesn't back up or push her friend despite feeling a little bit hurt by the way Octavia is somehow using her or toying with her emotions she lets it go, if that's all she can have then why not.

Octavia shamelessly nips at Raven's neck then she turns them over, pushing her own back against the wall and taking Raven's body against her, Raven gets it and takes Octavia's thigh and hooks it around her waist and pushes her own thigh between her friend's legs and starts giving her the friction she was craving for.

Octavia lets her head fall back, appreciating the way Raven rocks against her core the friction is delicious and she would do anything to have it all but she can't, so instead she slides her hand under Raven's shirt and starts scratching her back then Raven backs suddenly from her "No marks" She practically growls at her.

"No marks" Octavia agrees nodding energetically before smashing her lips against Raven's. They resume their activity but in a more intense way, then Octavia cums and when Raven tries to leave, the brunette whines placing even more kisses on her lips making it hard for Raven to leave.

She tries to unbutton her jean but Raven slaps her hands "No, I'm fine" She replies in a serious tone "I should leave" She adds not even looking at Octavia because hell she won't be able to look at her swollen lips knowing that she did that and if she doesn't leave, it will only fuck things further.

Later that day, Clarke is getting ready to go when she hears a light knock on her door she looks up finding Niylah with two beers in her hand.

"Oh! Come in" Clarke says.

"How was your day?" Niylah asks genuinely.

"Fine" Clarke shrugs.

"Just fine?" Niylah smiles "I'm here to make it better as usual" She adds and it makes Clarke uncomfortable.

"Thank you but I gotta leave!" She looks at her.

"Come on just one beer" Niylah insists.

"I can't, tomorrow!" She suggests and Niylah smiles at her "Ok, then what about we go out to an actual bar?".

"I'll think about it" Clarke replies before stepping out of her office while Niylah is walking behind her.

"You don't kiss me good bye?" Niylah asks and Clarke stops at her track.

"Sorry, I'm just late!" Clarke looks at her watch then Niylah kisses her close to her lips lingering a little bit too long for it to be friendly.

"Enjoy the rest of your evening" Niylah winks at her.

" _Fuck_ " Clarke curses feeling attracted to the woman and too confused.

When she walks in to her home, she finds Lexa with her work out bag ready to leave. Her wife looks at her surprised "He!".

Clarke smiles lovingly at her "Hey".

"I thought you're going to be late!" Lexa looks questioningly at her.

Clarke walks closer to her pecking her wife's lips "I am here, I thought we could spend the rest of the evening together"

"Oh! I need exercise" Lexa replies "Feeling a little bit tense".

Lexa walks towards the door and Clarke says coldly "Fine, I guess I should have called first".

"Yeah" Lexa replies before slamming the door behind her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

 _ **I saw you this morning,**_

 _ **You were moving so fast,**_

 _ **Can't seem to loosen my grip on the past,**_

 _ **And I miss you so much,**_

 _ **There's no one in sight,**_

 _ **And we're still making love,**_

 _ **In my secret life.**_

"I'd have so much more respect for that box if it had much more honest pictures on it" Lexa says looking at the pregnancy test box in Raven's hands "Like some sobbing woman with a negative stick test in her hand".

Raven laughs "Or a teenage girl with a positive one about to hang herself" Lexa smiles nodding "Yeah" then she adds "It would be good and more realistic".

"Give it to me" Lexa laughs "I need to pee on it" She says.

"I'm coming with you" Raven follows her friend to her bathroom.

"When I was a teenager I thought I could get pregnant by giving a guy a blowjob" Lexa lets out with a chuckle.

"If I knew it was that hard!" Lexa adds with a less joyful tone.

"You'll get your baby, Lexa. I'm just like one hundred percent sure of that" Raven tries to reassure her friend.

"Really!" Lexa looks at her.

"Yeah! I'd give you my own baby if I had one" Raven jokes and Lexa feels a little bit less tense.

"I want one more than anything but also I want it for Clarke you know" She confesses to her friend.

"I know, Lexa" She replies with a smile.

Lexa puts the stick on the sink and they both walk out of the bathroom, she doesn't want to let her hopes up but she has been feeling a little bit nauseous this last few days and she can't help herself hoping for it to be positive. She feels like Raven is more nervous about the result than her as she keeps looking at her watch.

"Can I go check?" Raven asks and Lexa laughs "Ok, go and don't go back if it's negative" She warns her friend.

Raven goes back to the living room with a serious look "I'm sorry" she sees Lexa's smile drop "Your nausea is nowhere to be done" Raven says before screaming her joy and Lexa looks confused "What?"

"You're pregnant, Lexa" She shouts out.

Tears starts to flow "I'm pregnant" She says between sobs.

"You're pregnant" Raven confirms.

"Please don't let Clarke know, I want to surprise her" Lexa says.

"I won't" Raven reassures her friend.

"I'm going to have a family" Lexa looks thoughtful.

"Yeah" Raven agrees with a smile.

"Oh my God" Lexa chuckles between sobs "I can't believe! I'm going to call Clarke" Lexa takes her phone.

"And I'm going to leave" Raven replies "I've to go back to work".

Lexa waits for her call to be transferred to her wife, apparently she's already on her phone.

"Lexa, I really don't have the time to talk right now" Clarke explains herself.

"I know babe, I know I'm gonna be quick, just promise me you'll come home for dinner tonight, I'm cooking"

"That's gonna be a tough one to swing" Clarke replies.

"Please, it's really important" Lexa says in a pleading way "I'll take care of you" She adds in a sexy voice.

There is a silence at the other end, she knows it is tempting then she adds "I'll make you feel better".

"The only way you can make it better is if you find a show for my big gaping spring slot" Clarke replies coldly "Fuck Sheldon Thomen" She screams.

Lexa frowns, bad timing for her call, she ends it feeling a little more anxious than earlier and then she gets a text from her wife.

 _ **Wifey 3:**_ **I'll try to make it for dinner.**

 _ **Lexa:**_ **Try harder.**

 **Wifey 3: It's the most I can do, babe.**

Lexa looks at her phone feeling a little bit better but she cannot help feeling nervous about the fact that Clarke might not be really ready to have a baby at such an important period for her career. She hopes she is wrong about it.

She calls Bellamy to let him know that she won't make it for their usual work out session and then she goes out to do some grocery shopping for the dinner.

Clarke feels bad about talking so coldly to her wife, she noticed that things between her and Lexa have been a bit cold and tense she also feels guilty at spending her evenings at work doing everything but working.

She knows Lexa is somehow angry about it especially the other day when she just left to the gym leaving her and blaming her for not letting her know in advance that she would be home early. It makes sense but Lexa could have stayed to spend time with her but she didn't.

She feels like Lexa wouldn't understand and will just try to tell her that it will get better unlike Niylah who really just make her forget the stress and work.

"Hello! Can I talk to Mrs Peabody" Clarke dives back into work.

Unfortunately that night she couldn't make it to dinner with Lexa and she didn't even call her to let her know. She was driving to meet with Mrs Peabody and remembered only later when parking at the woman's hotel.

Clarke finds the woman somehow irritating, she is a snobbish old woman with a filthy rich family who has an excellent taste of arts and well known for blowing ridiculous amount of money on the most scandalous paintings and arts.

However, she couldn't feel sorry for being attracted to the woman's stature and feeling like a child. That woman has almost everything Clarke would want to have which is enough money to control the art scene.

"Let's have a drink, Miss Griffin" The old lady winks at her and Clarke feels uncomfortable with the woman's constant flirting.

"Griffin-Wood! I should leave, really! My wife is waiting for me" Clarke explains.

"Wife, huh! I didn't see you as the committing type" The old lady puts her hand on Clarke's thigh and Clarke feels like things may got worse if she stays longer.

"Yeah, she is a keeper" Clarke says scooting away from the woman's reach.

"Ok, I'll let you go back to your wife and I'll think about your proposition" The old lady finally gets it.

When Clarke gets back home, it was very late and Lexa was already sleeping, she gets into her pyjamas and under the sheets spooning her wife.

So, it's only the two of us today" Bellamy winks at Raven who was stretching her arms, she just hums as a reply.

"Are we gonna be silent during the whole session?" Bellamy asks.

"I can do that" Raven replies.

"Come on' Rey" Bellamy replies and Raven's heart clenches, Octavia used to whine and call her Rey whenever she wanted to beg her when they were at high school.

"Don't call me Rey" She says sternly.

"You think I don't know what's going on with you and my little sister?" Bellamy looks seriously at her this time and not very friendly.

Raven turns and starts her training trying hard to ignore him but fails to when Bellamy speaks again "You fools have been in love for like years and now you hate each other's guts! Pathetic" He shoots and leaves.

"Fuck" She lets out between her teeth, Bellamy is the last one she should talk about her relationship with Octavia with.

"Wait, Bell" Raven shouts, he looks back at her for a moment and she gives him a begging look, he nods and goes back.

"You better start talking" He warns her.

"I don't hate her guts, Bellamy. You know I could never" She replies.

"So, if you don't hate her you do love her" Bellamy tries to help her into admitting.

"No, it's not like that Bell and you know it and besides she is straight" Raven knows it is not true but Bellamy doesn't know about the kiss or she hopes he doesn't.

"Yeah, right!" Bellamy replies, Raven doesn't know if it's sarcastic or just truthful. Does Bellamy know that his little sister is gay? Or at least bi? Anyway, does he know that she has a gay side in her?

They go back to their work out each one in his own bubble, Raven was missing Octavia. She doesn't understand why since the two girls haven't been close. They barely stand each other's presence each morning when they are with their friends and when they do it is because each one of them is with his partner.

Just after showering Bellamy finally speaks "It doesn't have to be awkward Rey, you are my little sister too" He smiles at her.

"Thank you Bellamy" Raven takes a step forward and hugs him "Tomorrow, same time?" She adds and he agrees.

Clarke spends the night awake hearing her wife's breathing and looking at her and when she finally is able to sleep, Lexa wakes up.

"Hey babe" Lexa cuddles into her wife.

"Morning, love" Clarke looks at her wife sleepily.

"Did you just come?" Lexa asks.

"No, I came around midnight but you were already asleep so I spent the night staring at you like a creep" She replies with a chuckle.

"That's nice my creep" Lexa says kissing her wife's neck.

"I'm sorry for not making it for dinner" Clarke apologizes.

"It's ok, we can have breakfast in bed, what about that?"

"I'd love that" Clarke replies by kissing her wife even more passionately.

After a moment, Lexa pushes her "Wait, I need food first and something, then we can go back to that" She places a kiss on Clarke's pouting lips.

"Don't be long" She says.

Lexa runs to the kitchen to prepare some pancakes and then she goes back to her bedroom where she finds Clarke already asleep.

"Noooo, Clarke! Wake up" Lexa whines.

"I'm awake, I'm awake! See" Clarke jolts out in a sitting position.

"Good, cause I need you to be awake for this" She looks down at the breakfast plate in her hands.

She lets Clarke settle properly than she puts the plate on her lap and it takes Clarke a moment to react. She stares for a minute at her pancakes, tears starts flowing on her cheeks then she looks up at Lexa "You're…." She is not even able to say the word and Lexa gets it "Pregnant, yes. I am" Clarke looks at her wife with heart eyes then puts the plate on her nightstand and crouches to Lexa cradling her body and cupping her face "We're having a baby" She whispers several times in between kisses and Lexa replies each time "Yes, we are".

Lexa feels happier than ever, being able to have a baby with the love of her life is the best feeling especially when her lover wants that baby as much as her if not even more.

Clarke starts undressing Lexa slowly, she guides her lips down to her wife's belly and places sweet kisses "I've been waiting for you for so long. We're going to be a family" then she goes up to Lexa and kisses her chest right above her heart "I love you" She looks back at her brunette "God, I'm so lucky to have you" Clarke smiles again.

"Make love to me, Clarke" Lexa asks her eyes full of love and lust.

"Of course, I'm gonna make it up to you babe" Clarke says while going down on Lexa.

"You better…God! You better do" Lexa chokes the words at the feeling of her wife's skilled tongue tasting her core. Lexa missed feeling Clarke touching her, missed touching Clarke too.

Clarke does her best to make love to her wife, to her pregnant wife she owes her nights and nights or steamy sex. She knows Lexa loves when she fucks her with her tongue so she does just that and in an infuriating pace until she feels her brunette grinding on her mouth asking for more.

"What do you want Lexa?" Clarke asks with a huskier voice while pinning Lexa's hips against the bed.

"You" Lexa simply replies.

"What do you need Lexa?" Clarke asks again not satisfied with her answer then blows some air against her wife's clit.

"Clarke! Please, I need you inside me" Lexa replies with a moan but Clarke wants a detailed answer so she licks at the underside of her wife's thigh just for teasing.

"What do you need? My fingers? My tongue? Be more specific Lex" Clarke wants to make Lexa talk dirty, just like she used to do.

"Fuck, Clarke I need your tongue" Lexa replies than Clarke smiles "For what?" She barely asks when Lexa replies "Fuck me with your tongue, Fuck just do it" Lexa orders feeling more and more frustrated.

Clarke obeys, she loves when Lexa is all commanding. She used to be in bed and in every aspect of their lives when they were first dating but with time Lexa became less commanding. The dynamic of their relationship shifted especially after Lexa quitted her job.

Clarke feels Lexa panting after few strokes of her tongue inside of her beautiful wife and knows that she is about to orgasm when she feels her wife's walls closing hard against her tongue so she plays with Lexa's swollen clit with her thumb while her left hand is trying to cup her breast. Lexa is moaning, it has been so long that Clarke ate her like this with so much vigor. She was feeling so close to the edge but she wanted it to last while she could cause she knows their sexual life is not much active as it used to be "Wait….wait" She pushes at Clarke's head then Clarke strokes a lick down from her entrance to her clit deliberately slowly before lifting her head and looking at Lexa's darkened eyes full of lust.

"Slow, I don't wanna cum yet…come here" She helps herself on her elbows and waits to taste herself on Clarke's lips and tongue. As soon as their lips meet, they both moan and Lexa feels her core throbbing at the way Clarke sucks her tongue and kisses her so lovingly.

Clarke lets her body mold into Lexa's their chests pressed against one another, the warmth of Lexa's skin against hers makes Clarke's heart explode with emotions. It has been a long time they didn't connect that way. The feeling of her wife's wetness against her thigh turns her on even more and she starts unconsciously grinding against her wife's warm skin. Lexa shivers as Clarke's thigh presses hard against her too sensitive clit and moves way too fast for her likening so she flips them over, looks into blue eyes loving the way Clarke looks hungrily at her, she missed that look. She lowers herself and takes Clarke's lower lip between her lips and bites it "I missed you" She whispers between their lips then she traces light kisses on her jaw line then she bites at her earlobe whispering what she is going to do to her.

"Please" Clarke pleads only, too aroused to handle Lexa's teasing who quickly complies and goes down on Clarke leaving wet kisses on her creamy white skin. Unlike Clarke, Lexa doesn't tease her much, she wants to make Clarke close to orgasm so she can do what she wants.

She laps her tongue on Clarke's already swollen pink clit and then sucks it in between her lips alternating with few strokes when Clarke starts panting she looks up at her "Are you close?" Clarke doesn't even reply just nods energetically. Lexa pushes her legs wide open and settles between them, her hands at the back of Clarek's knees helping them up. Clarke is exposed to her, staring at the pink glistening folds of her wife hungrily. She manages to hover on top of Clarke placing her own pussy against Clarke. Both women lets out loud moans at the feeling of their wet folds against one another, Lexa starts slowly to grind and roll her hips enjoying the intensity of the position and looking straight at Clarke's blue eyes.

"Fuck, it feels so good" Clarke lets out which makes Lexa smile and press harder.

Clarke moans again "Your pussy feels so good, Fuck! Faster Lexa, faster please" Clarke whines grabbing her owns breasts relishing into the feeling.

Lexa smirks and delivers loving the way Clarke looks under her, the way she rocks her body she pushes Clarke's hands from her breasts, she wants to see them bouncing at the rhythm of her body is grinding down on her. Clarke quickly puts her hands at Lexa's legs helping her to go faster.

"I'm close" Clarke cries out and Lexa grinds even faster "Cum for me babe" few seconds later Clarke cums hard chanting Lexa's name and Lexa's orgasm follows right after.

Lexa lays on top of Clarke and kisses her passionately and slowly while she feels her hands rubbing at her back. They breathe each other's air, kissing lovingly one another. Clarke could feel Lexa's craving for her because the brunette was so needy today. She is happy, happy that they finally are having a baby. She feels happy because the way Lexa makes love to her washes all her doubts and fears of the few last months and gives her hope that they will be ok. It gives her hope and certainty that she wants to have it all with Lexa.

"I love you, Clarke" Lexa's eyes are darker then Clarke knows them. She smiles at her wife putting a strand of brown hair from her face and flips them at their sides and starts pecking Lexa's lips "I love you too" Clarke replies between sweet pecks.

Lexa's heart flutters, she wants this moment to last forever. She is pregnant and is going to have a family with the love of her life.

She closes her eyes and snuggles against Clarke for a nap but the blonde wants something else. She feels Clarke straddling her she opens her eyes again and bites at her own lip, she loves her beautiful Clarke on top of her "You're beautiful".

Clarke smiles and starts grinding against her lower abs slowly then leans down and whispers into her ear "I want to ride you" then she looks deep in her green eyes. Lexa raises her eyebrow smirking "Emmm, Ok" she shoves her hand between the two of them and rubs circles around Clarke's clit slowly then she slides her middle finger parting her wife's folds and coating her finger with the dripping wetness earning a moan from Clarke "Yes, inside" Clarke pleads and Lexa is more than eager to give her what she wants. She loves feeling Clarke's walls around her.

Lexa feels so happy she was missing her wife, her Clarke her woman. She misses being with her, she always made her feel beautiful. The way she eyes her, the way she smiled at her and the way she told her 'I love you' she missed so many little details of being Clarke's girlfriend, Clarke's wife and Clarke's Lexa well Clarke's person.

Clarke's career tired her out and somehow she felt like her career pushed them apart until the moment Clarke was in their house, their home. She was thinking about how Clarke used to be when they first started dating and she found herself smiling. She was not the Clarke she knows now, a confident strong woman. She was shy whenever she wanted to ask her for another date and Lexa liked to stare at her while she was painfully trying to not stutter.

It is only after they first slept together that Clarke became less shy and with the time Lexa started asking her out more and asking her to spend the night at her place. It was the good times, sure she is happy they are happy together still. They love each other but it feels different to Lexa. She doesn't know why but it feels less passionate then she remembers that they hardly spend any time with one another now ' _I should ask her for a date'_ She thinks to herself with a smile while Clarke is down on her then Clarke's phone chimes and Lexa's heart aches, she doesn't want to let Clarke go.

"Don't answer' Lexa whines and Clarke places a kiss on her thigh crawling up to the nightstand and wiping Lexa's wetness from her mouth before grabbing her phone "I need to, babe" Clarke replies without looking at Lexa knowing that she just ruined a moment with her wife who misses her a lot. Clarke knows that it's an important call because it is the ringtone she set for Monty's contact and Monty never calls her except for emergencies.

"Hey Monty" Clarke replies trying to sound normal, he informs her that is waiting for her in the office and he makes it clear that the old lady is not really content. Clarke quickly puts a suit on without explaining or even excusing herself for Lexa until she hears her wife slam the bathroom's door.

"Fuck" She gasps out she doesn't want neither need Lexa to be angry at her now because she just shared the most beautiful news with her and they just had the most amazing sex they needed and didn't have for so long.

"Babe, open the door" Clarke pleads.

"It's ok Clarke! Go they need you" Lexa's voice is harsh and full of hurt, Clarke knows it very well but what can she do? might be the only solution for the gaping spring exhibition slot.

Clarke runs to her office and finds Monty waiting for her "Where is she?" Clarke asks trying to catch her breath.

"In the meeting room with the board" Monty replies.

"Fuck, it must be bad…wish me luck" Clarke says before getting in there.

She finds pacing in around the meeting room while the board were whispering.

"Mrs Griffin-Wood" greets Clarke with a serious tone.

" " She smiles nervously at the old lady then she looks at the men and women in suits looking at her "I'm sorry for being late, the traffic" Clarke tries to explain but the old lady waves it off with her hand "Sit down Clarke" The old lady orders and everyone looks at Clarke who nods and sits as asked.

"I got a phone call informing that Franklin is firing -Wood" Clarke's eyes widen looking around her feeling stupid at not knowing what was happening behind her back "Let me just say Franklin and to anyone else that might be involved in this cabal" The old lady walks towards Clarke and puts her hand on the blonde's shoulder and looking straight at Franklin's direction "If you fire Clarke, I'll have to reconsider lending my collection to the CAC, Mrs Griffin is by far and away the most qualified person in Los Angles to preside over an exhibit like provocations" Clarke puffs her chest proudly looking at Franklin who is dazed at Peabody's words "I thought provocations was going to Moka!" He exclaims.

"Well it is not Franklin, it's going to your little museum but in only one condition" walks again through the meeting room looking this time at Clarke " I'll need a guarantee from you that you'll remain with the CAC at least until provocations moves on" the old lady looks intently at Clarke who smiles and throws a smirks looking at Franklin "Well I'm not in the position to reply as I didn't even know about Franklin's decision until now" Clarke looks at the old lady with a smile.

"Well, -Wood has six months remaining in her contract, we have every intention in honoring it despite what you may have heard about her being fired" He chuckles nervously tugging at his tie to loosen it.

"Well then just forget about it then. You should add to her contract before Clarke is wooed by every museum in the country" suggests before dismissing the meeting.

Clarke follows the old lady to thank her for her generosity and intervention " " She calls out for her, the old lady looks back at her "Call me Peggy, Clarke" The old lady winks at her.

"Peggy, thank you for what you did" Clarke's blue eyes shines with happiness.

"My pleasure Clarke. Thank me tomorrow at dinner at my hotel" the old lady winks at her again and leaves.

Clarke quickly thinks about how she is lucky, she just received two amazing news first Lexa's pregnancy and now that. Oh! Lexa she remembers and decides to call her wife.

"Hey babe" Clarke's voice is more than happy.

"How did it go?" Lexa asks seriously knowing that it must have been good to the way Clarke's voice sounds.

"I got the provocations exhibition, Lexa" Clarke shouts out happily and Lexa smiles.

"That's amazing, you deserve it more than anyone" Lexa replies feeling happy and sad, happy for Clarke but sad because she thought Clarke would at least apologize for leaving her in the middle of sex and she feels like Clarke is more excited about the exhibition than the pregnancy.

"Thank you babe, I gotta go see you tonight" Clarke says before ending the call.

Lexa finishes getting ready to meet her friend's at the Grounders, it was a little bit late but she wanted to invite everyone and informs them about her pregnancy and of course Clarke's spring exhibition.

By the time she gets to the Café, Raven was leaving with a coffee and doughnuts in her hands "Hey, leaving already?" Lexa asks.

"Yeah I need to go, it's weird without you" Raven looks at Octavia, Luna, Bellamy and a blonde who was sitting with them. Raven didn't show up to the café since the day she stormed at Octavias' and decided to give her space. Today, she came and ordered her coffee without joining Octavia who was sitting with Luna and a certain blonde.

She hasn't been around since the day Octavia followed her to the bathroom and things happened. She knows her friend is nowhere to be ready for a coming out so she prefers to avoid meeting her and act as if nothing happened back there.

"Come on, I've something to let you know guys" Lexa takes her friend's hand and takes her back to their usual spot.

"Morning everyone" Lexa greets happily her friends.

"Good morning" Raven's voice is barely noticeable.

"Hey Lexa, Rey" Lincoln smiles at them while the others all greet them back except for Octavia who kept silent.

"Bellamy! Care to introduce your lady friend" Lexa smiles at the blonde.

"It's my cousin" Luna quickly replies and the blonde gives her hand "I'm Alice Pieszecki, you can call me All and you're Lexa…Clarke's Lexa, right?" The blonde woman smiles at her then looks at Raven "And you?"

"Yeah, touché" Lexa replies with a chuckle when she hears Raven replying formally "Raven Reyes".

The blonde looks intently at Raven who feels a little bit out of place, feeling Octavia's gaze at her at the same time.

"How was it without me?" Lexa looks at Bellamy who smiles and looks at Raven "I think Raven should answer that" He winks at her.

Octavia looks suspiciously at her brother and then at Raven who looks at Bellamy "Boring" She replies and Lexa laughs along with Luna and Alice.

"Come on Rey, you gotta admit it we bonded yesterday" He winks at her and Octavia feels somehow jealous of her brother. She misses Raven so much and everyone seems to enjoy her friendship except her. She hasn't even seen her around for a while not since the other day when she made her orgasm. She was the one who pushed her but she was confused and she didn't think that Raven would easily give up on her and then she is the one who went after her.

"Yes we did" Raven smiles at him and Octavia suddenly feels lighter.

"See!" Bellamy looks at with a grin.

"Guys, I'd like to invite you all to my place tonight for a little party, gathering to celebrate something or two things" Lexa smiles and Luna's eyes widen "You're pregnant?" She asks and Lexa nods shyly.

"Congratulations Lexa" Luna says then looks at her cousin "Clarke and Lexa have been trying to have a baby for months now".

"That's worth to celebrate" Alice replies "I hope I'm invited".

"So I'm going to be the super uncle, congrats Lexa" Bellamy says.

"Of course, and Clarke finally got the provocations' exhibition for the CAC's spring slot" Lexa replies looking at her friends.

"Amazing, Clarke must be the happiest woman on earth now" Octavia's voice is heard for the first time since they join them.

"Of course she is" Luna adds.

"Yeah, she is" Lexa affirms and trying to not think about how Clarke seemed happier about the exhibition than the baby.

"Ok, I really need to go now! See you tonight" Raven says before leaving the group without looking at Octavia who felt like her heart was about to explode.

She hesitates for a moment then excuses herself and walks behind Raven who was going to the parking lot.

"Raven" She calls for her but the Latina doesn't stop and so she tries again louder. Raven looks back at her blankly not knowing why is Octavia calling for her while she clearly rejected her the other day saying ' _We're nothing'_ and used her just after that. She clearly is confused and Raven can't be her first coming out affair because there's a lot more between them.

"What do you want Octavia?" Raven asks with a firm voice.

"I…" Octavia wanted to say ' _I miss you'_ but she can't do that she is the one who pushed her so instead she says "It is nice seeing you" without looking at Raven and fidgeting nervously with her fingers.

Raven looks at her for a moment then nods "Thanks" and leaves, she doesn't want to reply nor say anything and especially she doesn't want to think that Octavia is opening up again to her because she knows she will end up pushed and rejected again. Octavia is not ready for anything now, not yet.

That night when Clarke got into her home she found all of her friends at the back of the house at the swimming pool. Lexa is the first one to greet her with a kiss then when she steps out they all congratulates her at her exhibition and for the baby.

She was happy, surrounded by her friends and an addition Alice who she hasn't seen in a while. It was perfect and Lexa seemed happy too and it was all that mattered to her. They were all drinking, laughing and enjoying the evening. Some more than others, Bellamy was swimming. Alice and Raven were into the pool getting to know each other and sipping their drinks while the others were sitting together. Octavia was jealous of Luna's cousin who seemed to get along with Raven, her best friend.

She tried not to look at them knowing that almost every one of their friends already noticed her staring and her silence as well as her cold behavior. She took the chance and sit facing Lexa and Clarke and her back to the swimming pool. All what was bothering her now was hearing Alice laughing at whatever Raven was telling her.

Raven and Alice ends up leaving the group early than the others which makes Octavia shift in her seat. Lexa could sense her friend's unease but she couldn't say anything. She knows Octavia isn't ready to admit anything at all, on the contrary it seemed that something happened between her two friends which made them even apart as Raven avoided to meet her at Octavia's café for more than a week.

"Let's go sis" Bellamy taps his sister's shoulder to signal her to get ready.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" Bellamy looks at Luna in a questioning look.

"Yeah I know we need to let the love birds enjoy each other" Luna replies annoyed not wanting to leave.

"You can stay guys, Tim won't mind the noise" Clarke says knowing that her neighbor Tim was out of the state to bring his girlfriend to their new place.

"Your new neighbor right?" Bellamy asks having met with him at the gym and Lexa introduced them.

"Yeah" Lexa confirms.

"A nice guy" He adds "But I gotta go, again congratulations ladies" Bellamy says before heading to the bathroom to change into his pants and shirt.

"I'm happy for you guys" Octavia says giving a peck to both Clarke and Lexa.

"Thanks, O" Clarke replies and Lexa smiles at her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 :**

 _ **Did you only want me for those three days?**_

 _ **Did you only need me for those three days?**_

 _ **Did you love me forever**_

 _ **Just for those three days?**_

 _ **You built a nest inside my soul,**_

 _ **You rest your head on leaves of glod**_

Lexa runs by Clarke towards the bathroom her hand on her mouth and Clarke looks worriedly at her "Baby are you ok?" Lexa doesn't reply she was already throwing up her guts in the bathroom.

Clarke smiles when she sees her mother's name on her phone she picks it up, it has been a long time she didn't talk to her and now she has great news to share with her.

"Hi, mom!" Clarke gets back to her bedroom while talking to her mom.

"Yeah everything is just great" Clarke walks back into her bedroom.

After Clarke hangs up, Lexa finally gets out of the bathroom and lays on her bed looking at Clarke getting ready for work.

"Mom is coming" Clarke lets out happily.

"Oh" Lexa is not as enthusiastic as Clarke, she knows Abby maybe tolerant of their relationship but not of their marriage and especially not of Lexa "You're going to tell her?".

"Yeah! I wonder what she's gonna say. She is gonna be so excited" Clarke asks happily while Lexa is laying on her bed rubbing soothing circles on her belly.

"What should we tell her if she asks about the last name?" Clarke says while putting on her blouse.

"Why Do we have to bring it up?" Lexa replies annoyingly.

"Well it doesn't mean that we should, just in case she asks, you know! It just maybe easier to use Griffin-Wood" Clarke says.

"I don't think that we should tell her anything that might not be true. You know how your mother is!" Lexa replies after letting a loud gasp.

Clarke frowns and looks at her wife questioningly "How is she?"

"I think we should use like a combo thing" Lexa doesn't reply at Clarke's question.

"What like Griffood?" Clarke asks while putting her vest on.

"Clarke!" Lexa tries to get her wife's attention "Hey Griffood, how is your two moms being gay mo whatever it's gonna be in few years"

Clarke laughs "What about Woodin, then?" Lexa looks at her like ' _Are you serious'_.

"Ok, fine you're right. We shouldn't mention it" Clarke ends up agreeing "See you tonight" She adds before kissing Lexa's forehead and leaves.

Lexa turns on her back and lets out a breath ' _It's going to be a long day_ ' She thinks to herself.

Raven gets in the café and quickly notices that Lexa wasn't there. She walks to the table where Luna and Alice were having their breakfast while the Blakes were helping at serving the waiting line of customers.

"Good morning Ladies" Raven smiles at Luna and Alice.

"Hey, beautiful" Alice replies while Luna smiles while looking between the two of them "Morning, Raven. I see you had a good night".

Raven blushes and looks at her friend "Yeah! Where is Lexa?".

"Didn't show up yet" Luna replies, Raven nods.

"So! Am I going to see you tonight?" Alice asks Raven.

"What's for tonight?" Raven looks at her confused.

"I'm asking you out for a drink, what do you think about that?" Alice boldly replies, Luna looks at her friend waiting for her reply.

"Ow, ok!" Raven simply replies then looks at Octavia still serving.

"Good!" Alice replies then looks at her cousin "Ok, I have to go for my job interview" Then she looks back at Raven "And you, I'll see you tonight".

Raven looks at Alice leaving then her eyes meet Octavia's who didn't miss the way her friend was checking out Alice. She walks to the table.

"Hey Raven" Octavia tries to get her friend's attention.

"Hi, Octavia" Raven replies flatly and Octavia smiles "Can I get you something?".

Raven looked confused at her friend, Octavia knows her usual order but she usually asks her employees to get them or sometimes Raven takes her coffee on her own.

"Just, the usual please" Raven replies without looking at her friend.

"I'll be right back" Octavia replies.

"What was that?" Luna asks Raven who was looking everywhere but at her.

"What?" Raven asks.

"That, you and O! Since when she asks for your order and I was like invisible" Luna replies.

"I don't know what you're talking about" Raven defends herself.

"Really? Raven she has a crush on you, duh!" Luna quickly replies looking at the counter where Octavia was standing.

"No, she is just being nice, friendly" Raven comments.

"Come on' since when Octavia was nice with you? It was clearly sexual tension" Luna states as a matter of fact.

"We were best friend Luna!" Raven informs her.

"What? You and O?" Luna asks confused.

"Yeah! I know her back from middle school" Raven replies annoyed. Neither her nor Octavia ever talked about their mutual past and no one of their friends know about them being best friends.

"Are you kidding me?" Luna tries again feeling like Raven is just joking.

"No, I'm not. Things happened and we just grew apart then now she's…now it's a mess" Raven explains.

"Fuck! Why didn't I know about that? And wy is it a mess? What did you do?" Luna asks more herself than Raven. She knows Octavia is usually the one picking on Raven.

"Because we were best friends with feelings. I had feelings but she's just…"Raven says looking sadly at Octavia.

"That explains a lot" Luna says looking thoughtful "Ask her out" She looks with a smirk not noticing that Octavia was coming back their way.

"I can't, and she won't agree. It's….and I already have a date tonight" Raven says not knowing that Octavia heard her and stopped immediately.

Luna was trying to silence Raven but to no avail, Raven wasn't looking at her "And your cousin is wild, I like her".

Luna laughs nervously "Yeah! She is. Hey here's your coffee" Raven blood runs cold.

She looks at Octavia but the younger brunette put the coffee and doughnut looking natural with no emotion at all. She knows Luna saw her and by the way she acted and she knows that Luna knows something.

"Thanks, O!" Raven tries hardly not to blush, Octavia doesn't reply and leave.

"Fuck!" Raven lets out angrily.

"I don't wanna be you" Luna adds "You really need to talk to her, Raven".

"I did" Raven replies and Luna asks again wanting more "And?" Raven looks at her friend trying hard not to cry "She said we're nothing, not even best friends…even after kissing me back" Raven was thinking about the other night at the bar.

"Ow! It was you" Luna comments and Raven nods.

Later that day, Raven calls Lexa and informs her that she has a date with Alice aka All, Luna's cousin. She wanted to know if she should go or not and Lexa encouraged her saying ' _you might never know, maybe you will like her'_.

"I'm going to have dinner with " Lexa says to her friend.

"That's good, right?" Raven asks not sure about it. She never met Clarke's mother and she doesn't know what kind of relationship Lexa has with Clarke's family.

"I don't know" Lexa replies "She is…you know! Not ok with her Clarke being with a woman" Lexa explains.

"Don't tell me she's homophobic!"

"No, it's not like that. She doesn't like me, euh how to paraphrase it she is just too uptight" Lexa adds.

"I see! And are you going to tell her about the baby?" Raven asks.

"Yeah, you know Clarke! She's so happy about it" Lexa replies.

"Well, you're going to have an interesting evening then" Raven comments and she hears Lexa chuckle "Yeah. It's going to be tense and it's not good for the baby" Lexa whines.

"It's barely there, Lexa!" Raven says laughing.

"It's alive, a baby girl" Lexa informs her with happily.

"You already know?" Raven asks but doesn't let Lexa reply she carries on "She is going to be beautiful and you're going to be the best mom".

Lexa smiles happy to hear Raven's words "Thank you, Raven"

Clarke was fuming in her office, here and there between meetings and phone calls she was barely able to concentrate on the actual paperwork she has on her desk when she hears a knock she looks up and finds that it's Monty.

"Can I talk to you for a minute, Clarke?" Monty asks politely.

"Monty, I really don't have much time look!" She points out at the paperwork scattered on her desk "I'm not even able to find anything with this mess" Clarke relents leaving everything there and walks to the couch where she lays shamelessly.

"What do you need, Monty? The clock is ticking" Clarke says seriously.

Seeing that Clarke was really busy and exhausted he retracts "Never mind, I'll talk to you tomorrow or never" He jokes chuckling nervously.

"No, no no no! Wait" Clarke sits up suddenly tapping on the couch asking for him to join her "What do you need?" Clarke looks at him.

"I…euh! Can I have the day off tomorrow?" He grimaces expecting the refusal.

"That's it? You want the day off?" Clarke asks again not sure and Monty nods.

"Well you chose the wrong timing but of course you can have your day off just leave me tomorrow's schedule on my desk before you leave" Clarke replies.

"It's ready" He waves the document on his hand and Clarke raises her brow then walks back to her desk and points to the scattered papers with a smile.

"Ok, I'll give it to you later" Monty says.

"Oh and what about my mother! Did…"Clarke doesn't have the time to finish her sentence when he replies "I sent a driver to the airport and the sign reads , not Mrs and double F" He grins.

"Thanks" Clarke smiles gratefully at Monty "You're the best".

"I learned from the best" Monty replies humbly "Do you need anything else?"

Clarke hesitates for a moment then goes for it "Could you please order me a coffee? I really need the extra energy" She says.

"I would have brought one if I knew you needed it" Clarke hears Niylah's voice.

Monty looks at the woman who shamelessly interrupts them then at Clarke whose cheeks are bright red by now.

"That's all, Monty. Thank you" Clarke dismisses him and he leaves with a raised eyebrow.

"You are not going to have a coffee instead of lunch, are you?" Niylah asks rhetorically knowing that Clarke doesn't take lunch breaks especially this last days. However Clarke replies "No, I'm not".

Clarke looks at Niylah walking like she owns the place towards the couch, they may have got close the last weeks but Clarke is still surprised by Niylah's easiness in pushing her boundaries further and further.

"But I'll get you one day!" Niylah replies and Clarke doesn't miss what her words implied.

Nonetheless, she replies "I know, I promised you a drink. You'll have it" and Niylah smirks "I hope so"".

Niylah opens her agenda that was in her hand and walked seductively to Clarke leaning exaggeratedly on the desk too close to Clarke just to take a pen and puts the agenda on the desk then looks up at Clarke trying to meet her eyes but Clarke manages to ignore Niylah's silent request.

"I see there's some progress" Clarke says with her professional voice eyeing intently Niylah's agenda.

"Yeah! But there's still a lot of work that needs to be done" Niylah replies not so much professionally placing her hand on top of Clarke's and delicately shoves it away with a caress to show Clarke.

Clarke gasps when she unintentionally lifts her face and sees Niylah's face so close to hers. ' _Wrong, this is wrong'_ A voice resonates in her head. Niylah stares defiantly at her while clearly glancing at Clarke's lips but not moving waiting to see what Clarke is going to do.

"Clarke!" Monty saves the day bringing the coffee. He eyes both women, Clarke was wearing a guilty face and Niylah her usual cocky smirk.

Niylah doesn't even bother to move away she just leans back a little bit to give Clarke the space needed to leave.

"Here is your coffee and Lexa called, she asked you to call her back whenever you are free" Monty says looking at Niylah.

"Ok, thank you Monty" Clarke smiles at him then sips her coffee "God! I needed that" She practically moans at the taste and Niylah smiles "You're enjoying it way too much. You should have lunch now not coffee".

"I don't have time" Clarke excuses herself.

"You need to take care of yourself, Clarke" Niylah adds.

"You sound like Lexa" Clarke spontaneously blurs out.

"Yet she is right" Niylah smiles and leaves Clarke confused even more.

' _Fuck! I need to get back to work'_ she speaks loudly to herself.

When Clarke got back home she finds Lexa asleep on the couch she huffs and wakes her up "Lexa! We've to be in 30 minutes at my mom's hotel. Wake up" Clarke shakes Lexa's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I drifted asleep" Lexa excuses herself "I'm just gonna put some make up and I'll be ready to go".

Clarke eyes Lexa with a frown 'You're not serious! You're not wearing that dress".

Lexa looks down at her dress with a frown "I like it, it's comfy".

"You know what! I'll just pick something else. Just go put your make up" Clarke says annoyed and Lexa takes off the dress and toss it on their bed while heading towards the bathroom.

Clarke follows her asking "You called me today?"

Lexa looks at her from the mirror "Yeah".

"Why didn't you call me on my mobile?" Clarke frowns confused.

"I did" Lexa replies focusing back on putting her make up.

When they get to the hotel, they both gets out of the car to greet her, Clarke walks faster than Lexa and jumps into her mother's arms "Mom, I missed you".

Lexa feels already uncomfortably at the way Clarke's mom is eyeing her from the distance like she is not worthy of her dear daughter. However, she smiles pleasantly at the old woman for her wife's sake.

"It's good to see you, baby" Clarke's mom says after tearing her eyes away from Lexa.

Lexa greets her nervously "Hello Abby".

"Hello, Miss Woods" Abby replies formally.

Lexa hops in the back of the car so that can be on the front seat with her daughter. During the whole ride, Lexa is silent and thoughtful letting Clarke enjoy her mother's presence. She never got to share such a relation with her mom as she died when she was a baby and with her father it was a pretty cold and tense relationship.

When they get to the restaurant, Lexa sits next to Clarke and both facing Abby.

"So, what do you think of my girl?" Abby looks at her daughter proudly.

"Oh, I think she is amazing." Lexa replies surprised that Abby was talking to her then she looks at Clarke lovingly "I think the show is going to be incredible".

Clarke smiles at her wife happy to be with the two most important women in her life.

"And how is your career shaping up, Miss Woods" Abby asks Lexa again.

"I don't have much to tell at the moment, I left my job eight months ago" She replies honestly.

Abby looks astonished then Clarke intervenes "Mom, the thing is Lexa is doing something really special. Something for the both of us"

"Hi, can I start your evening off with a drink?" The waiter says.

Lexa looks up at him "Hi, of course.." Abby interrupts her "Clarke? What do you want to drink?" Clarke is taken aback "Euh, I think we'll have a large bottle of Pellegrino" She looks at her wife and smiles, Lexa nods.

The waiter looks at Abby "A Manhattan" She replies.

"I'll get those right away and gets be back to take your orders in few minutes" The waiter says before leaving.

"Thank you" Lexa replies even though she didn't even have a say on what to drink.

She starts to feel very uncomfortable at the way Abby is treating her, not even acknowledging her presence while Clarke clearly feels a bit embarrassed by her mother's behavior she doesn't do anything to stop it or defend her. All she does is smile and take her hand to reassure her.

However, it seems like Abby doesn't like the public display of the couple's affection and Clarke understands it, removing quickly her hand off Lexa's and Abby nods with a content smile.

"Lexa, would you like to tell her?" Clarke looks at her wife with a reassuring smile.

Lexa feels even more nervous, she knows this is a bad idea but since Clarke is pushing her maybe she is right.

Maybe Abby will be happy for them "Emm..Ok" She looks hesitantly at Clarke then at Abby "Well, Abby! Clarke and I are having a baby" but the old woman doesn't reply.

"Mom, we're having a baby. You're going to have a grandchild" Clarke tries again looking nervously at her mother.

"A baby? You're having a baby Clarke?" Abby finally says with a smile.

"Yeah, Lexa is pregnant" Clarke smiles happy to see the smile on her mother's face.

"Lexa is pregnant!" Abby frowns "And you're happy about that?" She looks at Clarke.

"Yeah, this is something I wanted to have long ago but I couldn't so Lexa is going to be the birth mother" Clarke explains.

"It doesn't make it yours" Abby comments.

"I might be the birth mother but Clarke is as much a mom as I am for our daughter" Lexa deadpans and both Clarke and Abby looks at her.

"It's a girl?" Clarke frowns and Lexa nods smiling "You know!".

"Aren't you happy mom?" Clarke looks at her mother trying to forget about the unpleasant situation Lexa just put her through.

"Well, it doesn't seem like you're aware of it Clarke but Miss Woods is the birth mother and you are just going to take care of its needs. You didn't even know that it's a girl!" Abby says seriously while Lexa grimaces at her referring to her daughter "it" as if it wasn't a human being.

"Mom, we're a couple. We're married! We're starting a family. Aren't you happy to be a grandmother?" Clarke asks her mom.

"That's not my grandchild unless you give birth to it and thank God you didn't cause a baby needs two parents, a dad and a mom" Abby replies harshly.

The waiter goes back with the drinks "Can I tell you about tonight specials! We have…" He doesn't get the chance to finish when Lexa interrupts him politely "Can you please give us a minute?" She looks up at him and he nods.

Clarke waits for him to finish pouring their drinks before replying to her mom "Mom, we wanted this for so long, I'll be taking care of the baby as much as Lexa and I'll have a say as much as Lexa" Clarke tries to explain.

Abby doesn't even bother to reply she looks at the waiter and waves at him he comes back and resumes suggesting the specialties, not sparing even a glance at Lexa who feels more than annoyed.

She excuses herself and stands up, Clarke stands up with her looking worried Lexa who simply says "I'm sorry, I don't feel so well".

"Do you want to go to the bathroom?" Clarke asks her but Lexa shakes her head "I'm just gonna go home".

"Then, I'll take you" Clarke replies but Lexa refuses "No, stay" the she looks at Abby "It was really nice seeing you again Abby" Lexa says with a serious tone.

"I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I'll get Clarke back to you in no time" Abby replies with a fake smile.

Clarke watches Lexa leaving then looks back at her mom who acts as if nothing happened ordering her dinner calmly.

"Hey, Raven you look…" Alice eyes Raven then resumes "Sexy tonight" She flirts and Raven chuckles.

"Thanks! You're not so bad yourself" Raven replies blushing then she feels her phone vibrating "I'm sorry! It's Lexa" She excuses herself and picks up the call.

"Hey, Lexa! Are you ok?" Raven is worried, Lexa never calls her that late especially that she knows she should be having dinner with Clarke and Abby.

"Yeah! I'm fine. Can you please come and pick me up?" Lexa asks.

"Of course" Raven replies before hanging up.

"You need to leave?" Alice says knowingly.

"Yeah! I'm sorry. I'll take you out for lunch or dinner instead, my treat of course. What do you think?" Raven looks hopefully at Alice.

"Well, I cannot refuse the offer. I'd love that…go now! Talk to you tomorrow" Alice replies with a smile.

"Thank you" Raven says before running to her car.

When she gets Lexa back to her place, she listens to her telling about what happened and she feels sorry for her friend.

"I don't know what to say, Lexa! It's mean but who cares? And it doesn't change the fact that you love Clarke and she loves you, you're a family already".

"I know, but it would be nice for our daughter to at least meet one of her grandmothers" Lexa shrugs feeling sad.

"I know but you have us! We're her family too! I'll be her grandmother" Raven laughs.

"Shut up, you're going to be the godmother" Lexa replies shoving Raven's shoulder.

"Oh wow! I wasn't expecting that" Raven says with a smile.

"How did you not? You're my best friend" Lexa states obviously.

"That's an honor, thanks" Raven replies happily.

About an hour later, Clarke gets back home after their dinner and driving her mother back to her hotel. She meets Tim with his girlfriend getting out of the car.

"Hey, Tim!" Clarke waves at him with a smile.

"Clarke!" He replies "Come here, let me introduce you".

Clarke walks to them smiling at Tim's girlfriend whose face looks familiar face "Hi".

"Clarke, this is Dana my partner. Dana this is Clarke our next door neighbor I talked to you about".

The so called Dana smiles politely at Clarke while taking her hand to shake "Nice to meet you, Clarke"

"Oh, the Dana Fairbanks!" Clarke exclaims and Dana nods nervously.

"Yeah, the one and only" Tim replies with a chuckle.

"My pleasure to meet you, Dana" Clarke says "So how was your trip back home?".

"Long, how is Lexa doing?" Tim comments.

"Of course! She is fine as much as she could be when pregnant" Clarke adds her eyes lighten, happy to share the news.

"Congratulations" Both Tim and Dana says in unison.

"Thanks guys. You should come tomorrow and introduce Dana to everyone" Clarke says looking at Dana who seemed uncomfortable.

"Sure, we'll be there" Tim smiles.

"Ok, I'll let you guys rest. Good night" Clarke replies and heads back to her home. She notices Raven's car and feels a little bit better knowing that Lexa wasn't alone.

Clarke walks into her home feeling a little bit guilty at not insisting on Lexa to stay for dinner and not leaving with her.

"Hey, Raven" Clarke smiles at her friend.

"Hey, Clarke!" Raven greets her back then looks at Lexa "Ok, see you guys tomorrow. Have a good night"

"Good night" Raven hears both Lexa and Clarke reply.

Clarke sits on the couch with Lexa "Are you feeling better?" but Lexa stands up as soon as Clarke does "Yeah" She shrugs going to her bedroom and Clarke follows her.

"You should have stayed, Lexa" Clarke says to her wife while taking off her clothes and Lexa gets on the bed.

"Well, I wasn't feeling really welcomed, Clarke!" Lexa says honestly.

"I know mom can be sometimes a little too much" Clarke replies.

"No! Clarke. It's not about your mom. I know how she is. It's about you, you could have said something" Lexa says with an accusing tone.

Clarke looks at her and takes a deep breath "I deserved it and you made me look like a fool" She whispers to herself while getting in their bed.

Silence settles between the two of them, a tense one but not for too long, Lexa is the one to break it "Are you mad that I went to the Ob without you?" Lexa asks looking at the ceiling not daring to look at Clarke.

"No, I just feel a little left out" Clarke breaths out.

Lexa looks at her wife then looks back at the ceiling "I…get this feeling from you that you're so proud to be with me and it makes me feel really safe" Lexa lets out a breath while Clarke looks at her with a smile. She lays on her side and wraps Lexa's waist looking adoringly at her then Lexa resumes "Safe, and loved. It's great" Clarke smiles at her.

"But lately, I haven't been feeling it" Lexa says drawing a frown on Clarke's face just like the one on her face.

Clarke takes her hand off Lexa's waist feeling like she's suffocating her wife the way Lexa keeps on taking deep breaths between each phrase while trying hard to express herself.

"So I've been trying to concentrate on myself and I'm trying to not get scared about it" Lexa explains with a pained voice.

Clarke is speechless, she doesn't know what to say. Lexa is right, things are different between the two of them. She tries to think about something to say that may help but she can't and when she sees Lexa turns off the light of her table lamp and turns her back to her she understands that Lexa is not receptive for any talk right now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 :**

 _ **I don't believe in an interventionist God,**_

 _ **But I know, darling that you do.**_

 _ **But if I did, I would kneel down and ask Him,**_

 _ **Not to intervene when it came to you.**_

 _ **Not to touch a hair on your head,**_

 _ **To leave you as you are.**_

 _ **And if He felt He had to direct you,**_

 _ **Then direct you into my arms.**_

Clarke wakes up first even though she didn't have so much sleep. The things Lexa said to her last night were heaving on her mind. Seeing her mom again was great but it was awkward to have to deal with her mom's behavior towards Lexa. She wanted to defend her but she didn't want to upset her mother.

Since her father died, her mother has been her only support. There was only the two of them left, she had no one. Despite her coldness sometimes, Clarke knows that her mother cares and loves her. She might be a little bit harsh with Lexa but it was her way to protect her daughter.

In addition, the words of her mom meant something that she deep inside of her was afraid of. Not being a full mother or a good mother to the baby. Well, the baby girl since Lexa already knows about it. And the fact that she did that without asking her only served to induce the doubt and fear in her even if she knows that Lexa would never keep her from their daughter and that she mostly is going through the pregnancy for her.

She gets ready and waits for Lexa to wake up, she wants to drive her to the Grounders and spend some time with her and their friends knowing that she will meet Tim there with Dana.

She misses her friends, she misses her life and she misses her wife and the way they used to be. She was happy about her career and the achievement she was doing and she was happy that finally Lexa is pregnant but it wasn't enough. It felt like things changed and she no longer feels like she's part of the group. She was taken by her work and the few occasions she had to hang out she spent them home with Lexa.

"Morning" Clarke hears Lexa's voice bringing her back from her thoughts.

"Morning, babe" Clarke replies warily staring at Lexa who was still in her pyjamas but still looking good, even cute if you would ask Clarke's opinion. The tiny baby bump on Lexa and her slight curves which are more prominent now, look endearing.

"I thought you left already" Lexa remarks.

"I was hoping to spend some time with my wife and my friends this morning" Clarke smiles guiltily at Lexa who smiles back at her but doesn't say anything.

"Tim is back!" Clarke lets her know "Did you know that Dana Fairbanks is his the mysterious girlfriend?".

"Yeah" Lexa replies "It's not like you're around" Lexa comments and it comes out harsher than she intended. Clarke sighs.

Lexa looks at her for a moment "I'll go change" She says before going back in her bedroom leaving Clarke thoughtful. She texts Raven to let her know that she'll be at the Grounders in few minutes with Clarke and Raven texts her back that she'll meet her there.

The drive is awkwardly silent, Lexa felt bad about the comment she made to her wife but at the same time it was the truth. She needed to let her know that she was being distant and she wasn't the only one who noticed that even their friends reminded her each time they met.

When they arrived, Luna and Alice were already sitting with Bellamy at their table whereas Tim and Dana were on the other corner of the café. Clarke looks at Lexa and says "I'll go get them to sit with us".

Lexa greets Octavia first and tells her that she's in the mood of something chocolaty today before heading to the usual spot.

"Morning" Lexa says.

"Good morning momma" Luna says with a smile, Alice looks up at her "Hello Lexa" while Bellamy simply says "Good morning".

"What's that face Lexa?" Luna asks worried.

"What face!" Lexa denies.

"Emm" Luna replies knowing Lexa well but she doesn't want to insist.

"Clarke is gracing us with her presence today" Lexa says half-sarcastically.

Luna and Alice turns their heads to look for her then Alice speaks "Is that Dana Fairbanks shaking her hand?".

Bellamy looks where his two friends were looking and indeed the woman there with Clarke and Tim, Clarke's neighbor looks much like Dana Fairbanks the famous tennis player.

"Yeah, they are going to join us" Lexa replies.

"Why does everyone knows this Dana and I don't?" Luna asks annoyed.

"Because you don't give a damn about sports and you never watch Tv" Her cousin replies.

"Right!" Luna admits.

Clarke walks with Dana and Tim to her friends and introduces them.

"Morning guys, behave we have guests today" She jokes and they all sit straightly "Guys, this is Tim and his girlfriend Dana" Clarke says, Bellamy is the first one to talk "We've met already" Then he looks at Tim and shakes his hand "It's good to see you again! You got yourself a hell of a woman" Bellamy smiles at Dana.

Tim smiles back "Thanks, man" He looks at Dana "Dana, this is Bellamy, Octavia's brother Lexa our neighbor and Clarke's Lady and?" He looks at Luna and Alice questioningly.

"Alice Pieszecki, Luna's cousin" She points at her cousin sitting next to her.

Dana smiles nervously at the new faces then looks awkwardly at Tim waiting for him to sit when she hears Alice's voice "Sit" She smiles and does as asked and so does Clarke and Tim.

"Clarke! It's nice to see you again" Alice smiles at her old friend and then adds "I started to worry that you might never have time for your old friend anymore".

Clarke shifts uncomfortably in her chair feeling Lexa's gaze at her "Yeah, things have been hectic at work lately" She justifies herself.

"How are you doing Tim?" Lexa asks.

"Fine, we got back yesterday and I already have to go back to work" He replies.

"Not cool" Bellamy comments and Tim nods "Dana, can I get you anything?" Bellamy asks politely seeing Octavia coming with Clarke and Lexa's orders but Dana was too busy looking at Clarke who was kissing Lexa to notice that he was talking to her.

"Dana" Tim shakes her off and then she blushes "Sorry! No, I'm fine. Thanks".

"She is on a diet, you know I can't let her have your delicious pancakes and especially today!" Tim comments.

"Here is your coffee, Clarke! And brownies for your pregnant Lady" Octavia smiles while serving her friends the she adds innocently "We missed seeing your pretty face around".

"That's true" Luna agrees with her friend and Clarke smiles nervously at her friend. If her friends did notice and point out that they missed her what would Lexa say!

"I know, we're running out of schedule for the provocations spring exhibition, but as soon as things settle you'll get tired of me" Clarke replies, not missing the way Lexa huffs a silent laugh.

"Oh, so you did get it finally!" Tim exclaims "Congratulations".

Clarke's eyes brighten "Thank you Tim, I was lucky" She points out.

"And Lexa is pregnant, you are a very lucky woman, Clarke" Tim looks at Lexa with a smile.

"Thank you, Tim" Lexa replies shyly and Clarke says "Indeed, I am" She looks at Lexa who is wearing a fake smile. She knows that smile and she can feel it, Lexa is not happy and it pains her so to wipe that fake smile away, she leans and places a soft kiss on her lips while all their friends exclaims ' _ows_ '.

Dana looks at the two women curiously "Congratulations, Lexa".

"Thank you, Dana" Lexa replies with a friendly smile.

"Tim you're a lucky too" Clarke says looking at Dana who blushes.

"No, not that much." He replies causing everyone to frown.

"Isn't Dana your fiancé?" Clarke asks boldly.

"Oh, no. We're…" He looks at Dana than she gives him a threatening look but he turns to Bellamy and resumes "I'm her coach and manager".

"Ah, I knew it. You play for the other team!" Alice adds winking at Dana who smiles nervously at her.

"I…euh! No" Dana denies with a wavering voice.

"It's cool Dana, these are all gay ladies and you can be yourself" Tim reassures her but she clearly doesn't agree with him, widening her eyes at him to shut up.

"Oh! So you're her cover boy!" Luna deduces.

"Exactly" He replies looking at Dana whose cheeks turns crimson red.

"Stop it Luna. If she doesn't want to share her personal preferences, let her be" Octavia snaps at Luna.

Octavia glances at Dana embarrassingly, she didn't want to sound harsh or look crazy and surprisingly the tennis player smiles at her and mouth a 'Thank you'. While everyone looks at Octavia and an awkward silence fell but of course not for long as Alice was in the place.

"Here is my lady" She says seeing Raven walking towards them.

Octavia looks back and when she sees Raven, her heart shatters but she manages to let a smile at her direction.

"Good morning everyone" Raven meets Octavia's eyes but quickly looks at everyone, including the new pair.

"Tim!" She exclaims, surprised to see him with her friends, she met him at the gym and only saw him there.

"Raven, it's nice to see you again" Tim stands up and shakes Raven's hand.

She smiles at him "Thanks" then Alice gestures to her to sit next her so she grabs a chair and does as asked. When she is about to sit, Alice greets her with a peck on the cheek and she blushes, looking straightly at Octavia.

"Hey" Alice whispers then when Raven meets her eyes she adds "Are you going to take me out on a date or what?"

"Of course" Raven replies not minding her friend's gazes.

"You guys are dating?" Clarke asks.

Raven looks at Clarke ready to reply but she doesn't know if it is a good idea, fortunately enough Alice replies "Not yet, I'm trying she didn't fully bite though" Octavia feels relieved a little bit at the words but not for long.

"We are" Octavia finally hears Raven say. Exactly, she feels like Raven replies purposely for her.

"That's good, Raven needs a woman who can keep her away from her lab to have some fun" Clarke replies honestly not knowing that her words are suffocating Octavia.

"Ok, we need to leave now. It is really nice meeting all of you guys" Tim says looking at the group of friends.

Tim stands up and so does Dana, mirroring almost everything he does from shaking everyone's hand to say goodbye to the same path of footsteps he takes leaving the café. It was clear that Dana was not comfortable around people and especially gay ones.

Bellamy and Luna are next to leave. Octavia feels uncomfortable looking at the way Alice was eyeing Raven.

"She's like Tim's mini-me!" Alice jokes.

"Maybe she's shy" Clarke reflects.

"She's a big tennis player, I don't think it's about being shy!" Alice replies.

"We should invite them for dinner sometime" Clarke says looking at Lexa who forces a smile and nods.

Octavia excuses herself and leaves feeling like out of place. Raven watches her leave and Alice doesn't miss it, she opens her mouth to say something than Raven cuts in "What about our date?" Alice lips twitch in a smile.

"You tell me" She replies.

"Ok, I have to go. I'm all by myself today, Monty took the day off so it's going to be a busy day." Clarke says looking at Lexa who was looks indifferently at her "Don't forget about the ultrasound if you care about the baby"

Clarke's looks at her than at her friends who stopped talking and are staring at them her eyes meet Lexa's green eyes again "Why are you doing that?".

"Doing what?" Lexa deadpans but Clarke doesn't reply she leaves.

Lexa sighs then she looks at her friend "Do you work all day?"

"Yeah, why?" Raven asks.

"Never mind" Lexa trails off then stands up and takes her handbag and phone "I gotta go, bye" She waves at them before leaving.

Clarke drives to her work in a complete mess, she doesn't know what to do anymore. Dealing with angry Lexa maybe hard but dealing with pregnant hormonal angry Lexa is impossible.

She feels like whatever she does or says Lexa is not happy. She feels like all what she's doing is wrong, she feels like what they're doing is wrong. The way Lexa doesn't talk to her anymore about what bothers her, the way she comes back home late at night but Lexa doesn't mind it, the way they are being together is wrong. It is nothing they are or ever used to be. It is like she doesn't recognize Lexa anymore and neither does Lexa recognize her.

She storms into her office not expecting to find Niylah in there. She grants her a look which lasts a second only, her face still draped with anger. Niylah smiles at her but Clarke doesn't return the smile.

"Not a good morning, I see".

"Do you need anything, Niylah?" Clarke asks impatient.

"You're late!" Niylah remarks and Clarke raises defiantly her eyebrow surprised and a little bit annoyed by the woman's audacity.

"Check your schedule, I'm on it today and if you come late it means my meeting with you will be later than scheduled by Monty" She says with a smirk.

Clarke takes the paper in her hand and checks Niylah's name on the schedule and notices that it is on lunch break "Don't worry, we can have it before or after that way you will have your lunch break" Clarke says not looking at Niylah.

"Oh, no. Just leave it that way, I don't mind, I asked Monty on purpose to fit me during Lunch break" Niylah replies with a cocky smile.

"Ok, then I guess I'll see you later" Clarke dismisses her not in the mood to talk or be friendly. Niylah gets it and leave.

Clarke checks her schedule again, she has meeting after meeting with local artists the whole day. She looks again at Niylah's name on the schedule then she shakes her head and throws the paper on her desk and gets to work.

After the first meeting, Clarke is walking in a hurry eyes stuck to her phone when she bumps into someone. Of course it is Niylah, who else is always around, she could swear that woman is doing it on purpose.

They both lean down to grab the phone, Niylah grabs it first and when they straighten back up their faces are close, too close. Niylah smiles and Clarke's eyes flicker to her lips. She steps back "Sorry" and takes the phone from her hand acting like she didn't notice the way Niylah's fingertips caressed her hand and leaves.

Clarke walks back to her office more confused and frustrated then she got in, everything in her life seems to be a mess lately. Everything came easy to her since she was a child but lately she feels like everything is falling apart.

Predictably, Niylah is right on time which takes Clarke off guard smiling when she hears her voice.

"Your time is up, mine just started" She walks to take whatever is in Clarke's hand.

"Ok, just wait. I've a last call to make" Clarke replies with a smile but Niylah clicks on the phone ending it. Clarke laughs "Ok, I see that you really are persistent".

"Yeah, grab your vest and follow me" Niylah orders with a cocky smile.

"What?" Clarke feels like she knows where this is going.

"I'll have my meeting with you while we're eating a delicious healthy food that you desperately need at the look of your pale skin" Niylah replies.

Clarke looks flabbergasted at her "Ok, so when you ask a girl for a drink and she doesn't comply, you shove the drink right into her mouth, don't you?" Clarke replies.

"I love how perceptive you are" Niylah fires back.

"Where are we going?" Clarke asks then adds in a warning "You have an hour top, Niylah".

"Don't worry, I already ordered" Niylah winks at her.

Clarke walks with Niylah feeling a little sting in her heart. It feels bad but good at the same time. She loves the way Niylah challenges her and flirts with her, Lexa does not do that anymore. They barely talk. And it feels bad because when she thinks about Lexa she feels guilty at enjoying Niylah's flirting.

Niylah walks in a confident way towards the restaurant's terrace, to a table which seemed reserved, she pushes a chair and gestures for Clarke to sit. Clarke lets out a barely audible laugh "What a gentlewoman". Niylah smiles then looks at a waitress who quickly gets them drinks.

Clarke is nervous, she doesn't want this meeting, lunch or whatever to be anything but about work so she starts asking questions and demanding about the development.

Niylah answers all her questions then when she sees Clarke zoned out she puts her hand on Clarke's.

"Oh, wow!" Alice exclaims.

"What?" Raven asks confused.

"Don't move, don't" Alice says sinking down in her chair trying to hide from someone.

"What is it Alice?" Raven asks.

"I don't think you'd like to know" Alice replies staring past Raven's shoulders.

"Alice!" Raven warns her.

"Clarke is with a beautiful blonde" Alice replies.

"Clarke!" Raven exclaims turning to look.

"Clarke!" Niylah's voice is soft.

Clarke doesn't reply verbally she just hums and stares at her with a smile.

"I didn't know, Clarke has a side chick" Alice exclaims.

Raven looks back at her rolling her eyes up "She doesn't" She defends her friend even if she didn't like the way Clarke looked and the way the blonde woman was holding her hand much like a couple.

"They look much more into each other than you and me" Alice deadpans and Ravens can't help looking again at her friend.

"Is something wrong? Don't you like the food?" Niylah asks worried.

"No, no the food is good actually" Clarke replies biting at her lower lip.

"Good" Niylah replies taking her hand off Clarke's and making sure to caress it while keeping eye contact with her.

Clarke blushes, it feels refreshing, new, exciting being around Niylah. She bites her lip again and leans back in her chair comfortably, it doesn't have to be solely about work. It feels like a date, like a first date and Clarke likes the feeling despite the sting she feels deep inside at how wrong it is to like the feeling.

"Come on, don't tell me they don't bang" Alice says.

"Clarke would never do that to Lexa" Raven defends her despite feeling irritated at the sight of Clarke biting her lips.

"You may never know, Raven" Alice insists "I mean look at them, they're clearly eye fucking each other".

Niylah looks flirtatiously at Clarke who doesn't shy away and smiles back at her unlike any other time then her phone rings, and just when Niylah is about to let her foot caress Clarke's legs under the table, Clarke shifts and grabs her handbag to take her phone "I need to take it" She excuses herself.

Niylah smiles and looks at her taking a sip from her drink.

Raven looks again and much to her distaste, she sees more than she wants. Alice is right. She turns back to her and says "Let's leave, I don't wanna be here anymore" Raven huffs exasperated.

"Shit! It seems like whenever we are on a date someone ruins it" Alice says in an annoyed tone.

"I know, I'll make it up to you. Are you ok with coming at my place?" Raven asks warily.

Alice looks at her with a smile "Well of course, I am. Let's go!" She says then when Raven is about to stand up Alice halts her "Wait" Raven freezes "What?" She asks.

"Just don't move, they are leaving" Alice adds.

Raven can't help herself looking at Clarke for a last time, to make sure that she's not imagining things.

When Clarke finishes the call, her face is back to the stressed and nervous one the face she wears mostly at work "I need to leave, I'm going to meet Miss Peabody" Niylah nods and stands up.

Clarke takes her card from her bag but Niylah doesn't let her, she grabs her hand "It's on me".

"Thank you" Clarke politely replies while placing a soft kiss on Niylah's cheek.

Dana comes back to the café but alone this time. She looks like a complete mess after her training but she is smiling.

"Hey" Octavia greets the tennis player.

"Hi" Danna smiles slightly nervous.

"What can I get you?" Octavia asks.

"Oh! Emmm a tea" Dana replies, she didn't come for the coffee she just wanted to talk to Octavia and thank her for defending her this morning.

"I'll be right back to you" Octavia smiles.

Dana looks around the café but it seems that none of the group of friends were there. The café is not crowded at this time of the day just two tables occupied. She looks at the corner table and head toward it.

Octavia walks to her and puts the tea for her and turns to leave when she hears Dana "Octavia!"

The brunette looks back at her with a smile "Do you need anything else?" Octavia asks out of habit.

"No" Dana replies then adds nervously "Can you sit?"

Octavia lets out a chuckle "Of course" She replies before joining Dana.

"I wanted to thank you for what you did this morning" Dana goes right into it.

"Ow! It's ok, they are my friends and sometimes they're a little pushy" Octavia explains to her "But they don't mean to make you uncomfortable. It's just like they love teasing, you know!"

Dana nods "I saw you this morning interacting you really are into teasing each other".

Octavia smiles and then they stare at each other, not knowing what to say. Dana feels awkward but soon Octavia notices it and speaks again "How was your training?"

"Good" Dana replies with a wide smile "I got a new sponsor" She straightens her shoulders proudly.

"That's great! You should be celebrating" Octavia says.

"Well, I don't know really have friends or know the whereabouts here so.." Dana replies.

"What are you saying? You have us! You have friends" Octavia says.

"Well, I don't really know you guys. And you are…" Dana explains.

"Then get to know us!" Octavia interrupts her "What about going to the bar tonight?"

"With you?" Dana asks surprised.

"Yeah, why not" Octavia shrugs "I'll pick you up, what do you think?".

Dana looks at her for a moment then smiles "I'd love to"

"Ok, settled then. We'll be celebrating your sponsor tonight at the bar" Octavia says before excusing herself and going back to her work.

Lexa calls Clarke to her office to remind her about the ultrasound but no one picks up. She remembers that Clarke told her that Monty took the day off so she tries again but directly to Clarke's phone but to no avail.

Looking at her wrist, she notices that it was about time she leaves. She goes to her gynecologist and hopes that somehow Clarke is going to show up. She hates going there alone, looks sympathetically at her almost with pity and it hurts her. She knows Clarke wants the baby but when she comes here, she feels like she is doing this alone.

She makes a note to herself to tell her doctor about the sting feeling she had the other day. Maybe she worries too much, she knows she does because now she feels like it is too much for her to handle a pregnancy alone. _Alone._ This is how she feels.

When it is her turn, she forces a smile and gets in.

"Clarke is not coming?" asks.

"Yeah, she has some important meetings" Lexa replies feeling nervous while hoping on and unbuttoning her shirt to expose her baby bump.

The gynecologist walks to the counter in the corner of her cabinet and takes a pair of gloves while asking Lexa "Anything unusual, or symptoms, lately?"

"Emmm, no" Lexa replies then adds "Oh, the other day I felt a tug. It was nothing too much, I mean it hurt a little bit but I think it's because I ate spicy that day" Lexa laughs nervously.

"We'll run some tests and see, it's cold" says showing the bottle in her hand to Lexa.

At the same time, Lexa's phone rings but Lexa just waved it off "It's ok. I'll call them back later" She reassures her when the doctor stops giving space for Lexa to stand back and answer it.

"Hey baby, I'm sorry could you please tell me at what time exactly is the ultrasound scheduled? Call me as soon as you get my message" Clarke leaves a voice mail for Lexa before diving back to her work.

Raven smiles at Alice who is dancing in her panties right in the middle of her bedroom while singing terribly.

"Are you always that happy after sex?" Raven asks.

"Yeah, why?" Alice chuckles.

"Nothing! It's interesting" Raven comments.

"Well, it is not every time. I mean only when the sex is good" Alice replies with a wink still swaying her hips to the music coming from her own mouth.

"Ow, that's flattering" Raven replies.

"I've been happier" Alice looks with a smug at Raven.

"Emm, what do you imply? That I'm not your best sex?" Raven asks acting like hurt.

"No, it's not like that. I mean if we go for another round" Alice walks back to the bed and straddles Raven when her phone chimes.

Alice leans down kissing hungrily Raven's lips when the brunette pushes her "wait this is Lexa."

Alice sighs annoyed "What a cunt-block this one".

Raven rolls on her bed and reaches for her phone on the nightstand, Lexa. She doesn't know how but she knew right away that it is Lexa "Lexa!" Raven says carefully.

"Raven!" Lexa lets out a chocked sob and Raven's mind races thinking about what she saw two hours ago.

"I lost my baby" Raven hears Lexa crying, she doesn't understand first. She hears the words but doesn't fully take in the meaning, her mind was expecting to hear Clarke is cheating on me.

"What?" She asks confused but Lexa doesn't answer all she can hear is her sobbing then she realizes "Lexa, where are you?".

"Home" She replies with a broken voice.

"Ok, I'm coming over" Raven replies.

"What's going on?" Alice looks at Raven who pushes herself quickly from the bed and puts her clothes on.

"Lexa lost the baby" Raven replies.

"Fuck" Alice blurs out before rushing to put her clothes on.

Clarke walks into the waiting room of and looks around. It's empty, she knocks on the door and the gynecologist lets her in.

Clarke realizes that Lexa is not here; either she is in early or late. She smiles politely at Lexa's gynecologist and steps in.

"Is Lexa not here or am I later than I thought?" Clarke asks.

"Clarke, umm! Please, have a seat?" says to Clarke pushing a seat for her.

Clarke frowns, she doesn't know why but she asks "Where's Lexa?" She look around as if she is going to find her. She is confused.

"Clarke!" The gynecologist starts "I'm afraid I have some bad news" She looks at Clarke who looks back at her with so much focus "During our examinations, I was unable to locate a heartbeat" Clarke blinks twice at her, she doesn't understand! So she continues "Fetuses stop thriving, this is usually do to some congenital problem. It's kind of the body is ending the pregnancy. It's very common in first time pregnancies. Most of them are not even talked about…" She continues talking but Clarke zoned out.

Now, she understands why asked her to sit. She feels like the world is spinning, she feels like crying rivers. She feels like screaming her lungs out. She feels like her body gave up on her, she can't move, she can't let out her rage or pain.

Just this morning her friends were congratulating her and complimenting her about being the luckiest woman. She wasn't aware of it, for her it was just words to compliment Lexa as being a beautiful woman, nothing more.

But now, she realizes that only this morning, yesterday and the days before yesterday, she was the luckiest woman.

Nothing makes sense anymore, few days ago she made love to her wife. Just few days ago she reconnected with Lexa after hearing about the pregnancy.

 _Just few days ago._

Only few days ago, she was feeling like she is the happiest woman alive! Only few days ago. How is it even possible for things to go down so drastically?

First Lexa became distant or this is what she feels. Maybe, the two of them became distant. They grew apart, Clarke too busy with her work and _Niylah._ Lexa was acting a little bit cold, leaving her out of the pregnancy. Then, the talk they had yesterday night was a reveling point that something was wrong and _NOW_ she is going home to Lexa.

A Lexa who just lost a baby, a Lexa who is her wife but a stranger lately. They don't talk like they used to do. She doesn't even bother to try and go back home early as she used to do and spend time with Lexa or their friends. She prefers Niylah's company because she is fresh, new, looks at her flirtatiously and takes care of her like Lexa used to do.

Clarke feels numb sitting in 's seat. She just lost everything she longed for during months. She looks at but cannot see the woman clearly, her vision is blurred by the unshed tears. The woman understand and gives her time, she is used to announcing such devastating news. She walks closer to Clarke and says something to her that Clarke doesn't hear really. All she is thinking about is Lexa.

Lexa.

' _How is Lexa? If I feel like that, like my heart is shattered in million pieces, how is Lexa feeling? I got attached to the baby without even feeling it. Lexa did! Our girl was growing inside of her and now she is dead. How am I going to deal with Lexa? How am I going to do to make her feel better? What am I supposed to do? What did I do? Fuck! I spent my day flirting with Niylah while Lexa was dealing alone with this.'_

Clarke races back home, she was driving like a mad man. She wanted to get back home as soon as possible, to see Lexa, to be there for her, to be her wife, to love her, to comfort her, to wipe her tears, to share their sorrow and to repent from her almost cheating.

 _However, things never happen like we expect them to._

Clarke parks carelessly her car and storms into her house. House, it was a home full of love and Lexa's laughter and her warmth and now it is only a house, nothing more. She opens the door and calls for her wife's name. The name she chanted so many times when coming, when whispering sweet words, when talking to her wife, when teasing her, when talking about her and now.

She turns on the lights of the living-room but Lexa is nowhere to be seen. She runs to their bedroom and finds it in a mess her heart jumps. Their bedroom's floor was covered with all the baby onesies and stuff apparently Lexa bought without her.

She cries out loudly her wife's name and hurries to the kitchen and before she can turn on the light she hears sobs and when she looks closely she sees Lexa sitting on the floor, her arms wrapped around herself and crying. She gulps, the sight is devastating for her.

She wipes her own tears with the back of her hand before walking slowly to her "Lexa babe" She tries to get her wife's attention but Lexa doesn't notice her presence until she puts her hand on her shoulder.

Lexa looks up, red swollen green eyes shining with tears stares angrily at her and Clarke feels like someone ripped her heart out of her chest. Clarke sits closer to her wife and when she tries to hug her Lexa pushes her harshly and starts screaming.

"Don't touch me, don't" Lexa keeps on screaming and Clarke pushes herself with the heels of her feet away from Lexa. Her back to the kitchen isle, she sits facing her then when Lexa sees Clarke's tears, she screams again "Where were you when I needed you?" Lexa kept screaming at her but all Clarke did was let her. Lexa needed to let her pain and anger out and she was feeling a little bit guilty for what happened to them. She wanted a baby, she put her through this.

The two women cried their pain for the whole night, Lexa never let her approach her that night when Clarke tried to hoist her up when she fell asleep to take her to bed, Lexa woke up and kept pushing her until Clarke gave up, went and grabbed a blanket and put it on Lexa while she sat in front of her, looking at her sleeping.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

 _ **Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable,**_

 _ **And lightness has a call that's hard to hear,**_

 _ **I wrap my fear around me like a blanket,**_

 _ **I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.**_

Lexa wakes up many times during that night and each time she finds blue eyes staring at her then she would close her eyes back.

Few minutes after Clarke falls asleep sitting in her kitchen, Lexa opens her eyes and goes to her bedroom. The sight is unbearable, she stands there at the door of her bedroom staring at the onesies scattered on the floor, a tear rolls down her cheek she wipes it then starts gathering them in a box.

Feeling her neck aching, Clarke stirs and when she opens her eyes Lexa is not there. She wakes up and rushes to her bedroom and there she finds her.

Lexa is folding and putting in a box the baby clothes that were thrown on their bedroom's floor the night before, she tries to help but Lexa pushes her refusing to let her touch anything.

"Let me" Clarke says to Lexa trying to take the box from her but the brunette doesn't give up.

"Lexa, please!" Clarke begs her but Lexa doesn't listen she keeps gathering them in silence.

"Ok, do you want anything for breakfast?" Clarke asks but Lexa doesn't answer.

Clarke sighs then sits on their bed and looks intently at her. When she finishes gathering them she puts the box away and goes in the bathroom to take a shower.

Clarke changes her clothes then calls Monty to let him know that she won't come the day and asks him to cancel her meetings. When Lexa steps out of the shower she looks at her for a moment then dresses and walks pass through her.

Clarke takes a deep breath and follows her "Do you want me to drive you somewhere?"

"No" Lexa replies coldly.

"Lexa! Talk to me babe!" Clarke says in a pleading tone, her eyes filled with unshed tears.

When Lexa finally looks at her, what Clarke meets makes her blood run cold. She never saw Lexa's eyes so blank of warmth and full of pain. Her breath hitches and the unshed tears break free "Talk to me" She begs her again.

"What do you want me to say, Clarke?" Lexa's voice is hoarse, irritated from last night's cries and shouting.

"I don't know, Lexa! Just say something, anything. Don't push me" Clarke replies between sobs.

"I'm not pushing you. I'm dealing with my pain the way I can but…" Lexa stops not bearing to look into Clarke's blue eyes with tears "It is hard to look at you".

Clarke gulps "I'm sorry…I, I never meant to put you through this. We don't need a baby…Or we can adopt, it doesn't matter Lexa as long as you are healthy and with me" Clarke says and Lexa burst into tears. Clarke steps closer and wraps her arms around her wife tightly which makes Lexa fall apart.

Clarke keeps Lexa in her arms for what it felt like hours, she managed to lift her and put her on their couch. She kept stroking light caresses on her wife's scalp her head buried in her chest. All she could feel was Lexa's sobs muffled and vibrating against her chest while she kept whispering soothing words to her and rocking their bodies lightly.

She was sitting on the couch, Lexa leaning on her body between her legs while one of Clarke's hands is caressing her hair, her other hand is wrapped around her back squeezing her tightly against her. When she notices that Lexa's sobs calmed she pushes her lips against her forehead and whispers "Lexa!"

The brunette looks up at her, waiting to hear what she wants to say but Clarke doesn't talk, she leans down and places a soft kiss on her lips. Lexa doesn't return the kiss until Clarke is leaning back feeling like she over stepped and rejected, Lexa cups her cheek with one hand and kisses her. Clarke gasps into the kiss, she misses her warmth she misses her plump lips and she misses her wife. For a minute, she thought Lexa doesn't want her anymore.

The first kiss is slow, light and full of pain but then it gets heated and Lexa's kisses become rougher and Clarke feels disarmed and can't hold her pain anymore. Lexa sucks the skin on her neck leaving bruises. Loving the way Clarke was moaning, she slips her hands under Clarke's shirt and takes it further by dipping her finger nails into her skin and scratching. She quickly stops Clarke's whimpers by claiming her lips once again then she bites at her lower lip enough to break the skin and Clarke pushes her "Lexa" She cries out in a plea but Lexa doesn't stop.

She looks down between their bodies and starts undressing them, Clarke lets her have her way with her and doesn't fight her. Lexa is sometimes dominant and rough in bed but she never hurt her. She thinks that maybe this is what she needs what she wants so she submits giving herself completely to her wife.

Clarke tries to put her hands on her but Lexa pushes them, at the second attempt Lexa stops brusquely and looks up at her, pinning her hands above her head and looking into her eyes "Don't" she orders, Clarke nods then she feels Lexa's grip at her wrists loosen and her finger nails scratches their way down to the swell of her breasts, Lexa tugs down Clarke's bra not bothering to unclasp it properly. Clarke arches her back at the feeling of Lexa's tongue swirling around her nipple.

Lexa devours Clarke's skin inch by inch at her own pace and Clarke keeps herself from touching Lexa and push her down where she needs her the most. Lexa is aware of Clarke's arousal but she keeps teasing and biting her until Clarke can't hold her moans anymore begging for her for more "Lexa, please!" She feels her hips back up looking for some friction.

Lexa hooks her fingers at the hem of Clarke's panties and slides them down, Clarke happily lifts her hips to help her then Lexa hoists herself up to Clarke's lips and leans in for a heated kiss then she leans back from it and looks into her eyes and pushes two fingers between Clarke's wet folds.

Clarke lets out a soft cry, her touch is not slow nor soft, she thrusts her fingers hard and fast and Clarke tries to push Lexa to make her stop but to no avail.

"Please" Clarke cries and Lexa jolts, she takes her fingers out of Clarke but then Clarke stops her by grabbing her hand and pushing it down back between her legs whispering into her lips "Just softer, please" Lexa closes the remaining distance between them and kisses her. Lexa is softer now but only with her fingers, she goes back to nipping at Clarke's skin.

It doesn't take long for Clarke to cum, Lexa takes out her fingers and lifts herself off Clarke who tries to stop her but she refuses silently walking to the bathroom leaving Clarke exposed on their couch. Clarke's heart aches, Lexa never denied her cuddling after sex on the contrary she loved cuddling her and she was softer after.

Clarke gathers herself and walks to the bathroom "Lexa!" the brunette doesn't reply she just looks at her from the mirror while washing her hands "I know you're hurting and I am too but we need to stick together so we can get through it. We always had" Clarke begs her but Lexa doesn't reply to what she said instead she says "I'm going out with Raven, I need it" Lexa ignores Clarke's words.

Clarke nods as Lexa passes by her and leaves without sparing her a second look. She gets in the shower and washes her tears away.

When she gets out of the shower, she dresses and checks her phone. Two missed calls from Monty and another one from Niylah. She calls Monty back and ignores Niylah's call.

"Are you going to tell her?" Alice asks after Raven ends the phone call with Lexa.

"God! No, I don't know" Raven replies feeling stuck between telling Lexa about Clarke's date or not "What would you do?"

Alice looks at her thoughtfully than says "I would tell her but not after warning Clarke!"

Raven nods "You mean I should ask Clarke about that woman first?" Raven concludes.

"Not ask, because she will deny it but just let her know that you saw her" Alice shrugs her shoulders.

"Fuck! It doesn't sound a good idea" Raven replies when Octavia comes with their order.

"What's not a good idea?" Octavia asks.

Raven widens her eyes to Alice to stop her from answering truthfully and replies "Nothing, we're trying to find a good place for a second date"

"Oh, it is not really hard to find, I mean it is LA" Octavia replies despite feeling jealous and envying Alice.

"Really! Then where would you take me if we're dating and it is our second date?" Alice asks her.

Raven meets Octavia's eyes but the younger brunette doesn't let her emotions show. However, Raven knows her too well, she is uncomfortable.

"Well, it depends on how well I know you" Octavia replies then she adds "It can be something romantic or…" Octavia doesn't finish her sentence when Dana interrupts her "Good morning" She smiles exclusively at her and Raven doesn't miss it.

"Good morning" Both Alice and Raven replies in unison.

"Hey! Morning" Octavia replies enthusiastically trying to get Raven's attention "What do you want?" She asks her as soon as she sits with them.

"It's fine! I ordered already" Dana replies.

"So Dana! How was your super important training yesterday?" Alice asks the tennis player.

"Was very good actually" Dana replies "I got a sponsor" She smiles proudly.

"That's fantastic, Dana" Alice replies.

"Congratulations" Raven says with a curt nod.

"Thank you guys" Dana replies.

"Well, you should be celebrating then, shouldn't you?" Raven says looking at her.

"I kind of did, with Octavia yesterday" Dana informs them and Octavia shifts uncomfortably in her seat.

"Ow! Really?" Alice winks at Octavia who nods with a nervous smile.

"We went out to a club" Dana tells them not noticing Octavia's discomfort.

"That's good" Raven comments bitterly stirring her coffee "It's not your company which displease me, ladies but I gotta go" Raven adds before taking a first gulp from her coffee.

"Oh! Wait, I'm coming with you" Alice says before following Raven who was leaving fast which made her run awkwardly on her heels trying not to fall.

"So! What are you up for tonight?" Dana asks Octavia.

"I don't know!" Octavia replies surprised that Dana asked considering how shy she was just yesterday morning "What are YOU up to, Dana Fairbanks?" Octavia asks her back.

"I don't know! I thought we should hang out again" Dana says bashfully.

"Oh, yeah sure" Octavia nods.

"Is it Ok, if we go to a gay bar?" Dana asks with a whispers, not knowing if Octavia is ready or not to explore as they traded bi-curious anecdotes of their high-school years.

Octavia is taken aback by Dana's proposition but then she goes for it "Yeah, why not" She replies with a blush.

"Cool" Dana smiles at her.

"Rey! Wait" Alice shouts.

"Sorry! I'm late" Raven excuses herself.

"Yeah! Right" Alice deadpans knowing that it is a lie, she noticed how Raven gets nervous whenever Octavia is around.

When they hop in the car, Raven doesn't start the engine she grabs her phone and calls Lexa to let her know that she will be at her lab in ten minutes.

"So? Are you going to tell her?" Alice asks again.

"No! Not today. I need to know how she is feeling, she just lost a baby. I can't just launch such a bomb at her ' _Hey Lexa, Clarke is cheating on you_ ' and what if it is not true? What if she is a colleague or a friend" Raven replies with a huff.

"It sucks, Lexa doesn't deserve all of that!" Alice says "She really needs to take her life back on track! I mean it is a stupid idea to stop a whole career to get pregnant!"

"Yeah, kind of" Raven agrees.

"I can talk about her to a friend" Alice suggests.

"Really? You would do that?" Raven asks.

"Of course, my girlfriend's friends are my friends" Alice answers.

Raven laughs "Your cousin's friends too" She says while pulling to the side of the road "That's your stop, give me a kiss and get out" Raven leans in for a kiss then drives to her lab.

Not long after getting there, Lexa arrives with a coffee and a doughnut in her hand "Morning" She says with a serious tone.

"Hey! You feeling any better?" Raven asks Lexa after hugging her which took her by surprise.

"I'm fine" Lexa says stepping away.

"You sure don't sound like you are" Raven points out.

"I threw away all the onesies I bought the other day" She says coldly.

"Ow! So you don't wanna try again?" Raven asks her warily.

"No! I can't. I can't even function properly" Lexa admits.

"Of course, it is a lot to take in" Raven acknowledges then she stares into her friend's eyes and asks her "How is Clarke handling it?"

Lexa shrugs "I don't know!" She answers honestly.

"Didn't she come home yesterday?" Raven frowns expecting the worse from Clarke.

"She did but…" Lexa freezes, she doesn't know how she can tell Raven about it she breathes in "I pushed her, we didn't really talk".

"That's ok, she can understand what you're going through" Raven tries to comfort her.

"Really? Can she? I don't think so! I'm the one who lost a baby, Raven. I'm the one who felt it growing inside of me, I'm the one who was excited about it she didn't even care she was even happier about getting that fucking expo" Lexa cries out loudly "She missed almost all my ultrasound, Raven." Lexa informs her friend tears rolling down her cheeks.

Raven feels bad for Lexa, she feels bad for what she is going through and above everything she feels bad about knowing something about Clarke and keeping it a secret from Lexa. She walks closer to her and hugs her tightly, Lexa breaks down in tears, not being able to hold herself anymore.

She tried to be strong, she tried to not cry in front of Clarke for her to not worry. She feels like she would be making things worst if she let her know how broken she is now.

"I can't, Raven" Lexa cries out and Raven shushes her while rubbing soothing circles on her back "It's going to be fine, Lexa. It's going to be ok".

After few minutes, Lexa gathers herself and drinks her coffee. Lexa doesn't say anything, she is in pain and all she should do is listen and comfort her.

"I don't think we're ever going to be ok" Lexa confesses and Raven's heart aches ' _I'm hiding from her the truth'_

"Why is that?" She asks cautiously.

"We're drifting apart. I feel like I'm not enough for her anymore." Lexa says then after few seconds adds "Her look is different…it is like...it lacks something" Lexa shrugs.

"All couples go through a rough time in their relationship it doesn't mean they can't work it out, Lexa!" Raven says.

"I know, Rey but it is like she is not even trying anymore" Lexa says with a worn-out voice.

"Did you try couples therapy?" Raven suggests.

Lexa shakes her head "I don't think she would go for it, Madame is too busy with her career to even care about her marriage"

"Come on' Lexa! Don't you think that you're judging her too much?" Raven tries to resonate her friend despite knowing that Clarke might be cheating but she can't help having faith in Clarke ' _maybe it is just an artist or a colleague'_ She thinks to herself.

Lexa huffs "Maybe!" She paces around Raven's lab then stops and looks at her "I don't know why I blame her…I used her this morning practically like a punching bag. It felt good but now when I think about it, I…I feel bad! I fucked her and left" Lexa's eyes well with tears.

"Wow! You guys really need couples therapy, you should give it a try" Raven suggests again then adds "You should go back to work, it may keep you busy a little bit."

"I know! I really need it" Lexa replies wiping her tears with the back of her hand the says "I need a therapy, I need an occupation and I need some time away"

"You should come with us to Palm springs" Raven blurs out "Alice is supposed to do a paper on the biggest lesbian gathering ' _The Dinah shore weekend'_ it will be fun. You should join us" Raven suggests.

"I'd love to" Lexa replies.

 _ **Later that day;**_

Lexa goes back home and finds Clarke taking a nap. She tiptoes through the bedroom trying to avoid waking Clarke up but Clarke was already half awake.

"Hey" Clarke's voice sounds sore.

"Hey" Lexa replies her voice barely audible.

Lexa doesn't stop her way nor sits with her wife, she walks through the room avoiding to talk to Clarke. She was aware of Clarke's blue eyes watching her and silently asking her to stay but she couldn't, she was feeling guilty of what she did to her in the morning.

Clarke doesn't insists but Lexa doesn't feel better so she goes back and sits close to her.

"How was your day?" Lexa asks Clarke.

Clarke shrugs "I missed you" Her voice is full of pain and Lexa hears it.

"I'm sorry about this morning" Lexa apologizes not meeting Clarke's eyes.

"It's Ok, Lexa" Clarke reassures her.

"No, it is not. We are not, Clarke! We are not ok" Lexa cries out.

Clarke breathes deeply "You're right".

"We should go to couple's therapy" Lexa says testing the waters.

"Therapy? It's a waste of time, Lexa" Clarke replies dismissing the idea.

Lexa sighs "Don't we mean anything for you anymore? Do you even care?" Lexa asks her.

"I do care, Lexa. Fine! You wanna go to therapy! Let's go to therapy" Clarke shrugs.

"What about your schedule?" Lexa asks her.

"My schedule? Lexa, choose the date and time and I'll…" Clarke tries to reassure her.

"No! I don't want to go there on my own like I did each time at the gynecologist" Lexa interrupts her.

"Ok, I will leave everything and be there!" Clarke promises.

"I hope so" Lexa comments.

Clarke tries to not read a lot into Lexa's words because she knows she is hurting and she is using her to ease her pain. Clarke's guilt is what pushes her to accept it, to receive Lexa's anger without complaining.

Octavia walks into the gay bar looking nervous. She doesn't want to meet someone who may recognize her. After all, she is here because of Dana and well! To be honest, she wants to explore.

Fortunately for her she quickly notices Dana sitting in the corner table of the bar, drinking a beer and sitting.

' _This Dana has a thing for the tables situated in the corner!_ ' Octavia thinks to herself amusingly.

When Dana sees her she waves at her "Hey" and Octavia smiles "Hey Dana!" She walks to her and takes the seat next to her "I've never done this before!" She lets out embarrassingly.

"You've never been in a bar before?" Dana asks with a frown.

"No, no. Women's bar by myself" Octavia corrects.

"Oh! Me neither" Dana confesses in a barely audible voice.

"Ah yeah?" Octavia asks surprised.

"Yeah" Dana nods with a shy smile.

Octavia looks at the bar some women were slow dancing to the music, and says "This is like out of the 1950's Butch and Fam!"

Dana agrees "Yeah! It is the oldest lesbian bar in LA, actually it probably hasn't changed since the fifties" Dana looks surprised at Octavia who doesn't know about it while she lives in LA, then she resumes "But really, it is not different from any other club. You know what I mean, few drinks and talk to few people you have nothing in common with" She lets out a nervous chuckle "And then you realize how unlikely it is that you'll ever meet anyone who is right for you again".

Octavia looks deep into Dana's eyes who seems just unexperienced and desperate as she is. She watches her drink her beer then asks her "So you have met someone who is right for you?"

Dana's nervous smile drops "We broke up" She replies.

"Ow! Ok! Maybe one day you will find someone else, someone who is right and who won't leave" Octavia smiles at her.

"Maybe" Dana lifts her beer and drinks it "Have you?" She asks back.

"No" Octavia replies thinking about Raven.

"This bar sucks" Octavia comments changing the topic.

"You should turn your café into a gay bar!" Dana replies laughing "At least it won't be as boring as this one"

"Thanks, for believing in my abilities to do better than this Lezi bar" Octavia replies with a giggle.

"Anyone can do better than a 1950's bar, O" Dana deadpans.

"Aouch, you just broke my little heart" Octavia feigns being hurt putting her hand on her heart and Dana smiles at her, finding it adorable.

The night goes smooth except for the awkward atmosphere but at least both women talk to each other and try to get used to be around one another.

At the end of the night Dana is totally drunk, Octavia suggests Dana to go home with her and Dana accepts.

They stumble into Octavia's apartment, Octavia rushes to pick up some scattered shoes and clothes she left on the floor. She wasn't planning on receiving a tennis player star.

"It's messy!" She informs her feeling a little bit embarrassed then adds "I know that".

"Oh no no no, it's no problem" Dana replies, she is too drunk to care about the details "Really! It's fine"

Octavia criticizes her apartment again "It's small, not like what you're used to! Not like Tim's or Clarke's houses"

"Here, you can have the couch" She gestures towards the couch in her tiny living-room and Dana walks and sits there.

"So, what is it like? To be a famous tennis player?" Octavia asks.

"Well! I work out a lot!" Dana shrugs "And I go on tours" She adds.

"Oh, wow. That sounds interesting" Octavia says and Dana shrugs.

Octavia's small apartment quickly falls into complete silence, Dana rubs her hands nervously on her lap then again Octavia is the one to break the silence "I don't have anything to drink" She looks at her but Dana says nothing "Do you want juice?" She suggests and it takes Dana a moment to reply staring awkwardly at her "Sure!".

Octavia walks to her kitchen and pours two glasses of juice and goes back. She hands one to Dana who quickly sips from it staring right into Octavia eyes.

Dana puts her drink on the couch as there is no coffee table and leans in for a kiss. Octavia returns it and when Dana pushes harder into her, Octavia lands on the drink and spill it all over her couch.

"Oh, God I'm sorry" Dana jolts away from Octavia.

"It's ok" Octavia replies grabbing a blanket and putting it on the wet stain.

Dana smiles nervously and kisses her again, she struggles to push Octavia on her back. It is awkward a little bit, Octavia doesn't know what to do with her hands so she attempts to grab Dana's breasts and it feels more like she is holding something then cupping and or grabbing her breasts sexually.

Dana looks down at Octavia's hand and then resumes her kisses, Octavia tries to take her shirt off and ends up bumping her head against Dana's. They fail miserably at being sensual or sexual, they keep bumping each other and whimper at the pain and discomfort.

Octavia tries again to save the situation and flips them over so she is on top of Dana and it gets even more awkward when she tries to grind down on Dana's hips, they both stop moving. Octavia almost suffocates Dana with her weight and her hair all over Dana's face. They looked like they were wrestling and not making out.

"This is a really bad idea, isn't it?" Octavia ends up saying pushing her hair to the side and away from Dana's face.

Dana inhales and replies disappointed "It is. It's really bad".

"Maybe, we should stop!" Octavia says while standing off Dana's body "Before we get cramps"

Dana clears her throat and agrees "Yeah, lemme grab this" Dana says giving Octavia her shirt.

Both women sigh then Dana speaks again "Maybe, we should be friends or something!" and Octavia replies heartedly "Yeah, yeah"

They stare at each other for a moment then burst in laughter. It was awkward and not sexy at all and they were nervous, it was a disaster. Dana ends up sleeping in Octavia's bed as a friend.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7:**

 _ **Ohh, can't anybody see**_

 _ **We've got a war to fight**_

 _ **Never found our way**_

 _ **Regardless of what they say**_

"Hey daddy" Lexa says through the phone.

"Well, what a pleasant surprised" Gustus, Lexa's dad replies "How is my daughter?"

"I am…fine dad! How are you?" Lexa stutters trying not to break at hearing the familiar voice.

"I'm good, but at the sound of your voice you don't sound fine" Her father replies.

"I just miss you, dad" Lexa replies.

"Are you sure everything is well?" Gustus tries again.

"Yeah, everything is well father" Lexa replies.

"Ok, Lexa! I don't mind my eldest daughter calling me but you know as much as I do, you never call just to call me" Gustus stops the tiptoeing and asks her.

Lexa lets out a nervous chuckle "You're right, dad"

"So?" He asks again waiting for her to finally spill it out.

"I lost a baby, dad" Lexa says at the edge of crying.

"What do you mean, you lost a baby?" Gustus asks her.

"I was pregnant and I lost it" Lexa explains her heart clutching painfully.

"That's really sad to hear. How are you feeling?" He asks her.

"Just like I lost a baby!" Lexa replies with a sob.

There is a silence at both ends of the phone, neither of them knows what to say. Lexa knows that her father is really bad at comforting.

"And how is Clarke treating you?" He asks.

Lexa hesitates for a moment then says "I don't know dad, she is different."

"Do you wanna come home?" Gustus asks her then when she doesn't answer he adds "Maybe it will do you good, to rest you know"

"Maybe, I will" Lexa says hearing Clarke's footsteps.

"Think about it, Lexa" He insists.

"I will dad. Thank you" She says before hanging up.

Clarke comes out from their bedroom and looks at her with a smile "Good morning"

"Morning" Lexa replies flatly wiping her tears.

"Your dad?" Clarke asks her and Lexa nods. Clarke smiles at her and sits with her leaning closer and kissing her cheek. She doesn't know how to act around her wife anymore. She doesn't want to overstep.

She noticed Lexa was already dressed "I thought we could have breakfast here, just you and me" Clarke whispers close to Lexa's neck.

"Not today!" Lexa grimaces leaning back "Raven is waiting for me at the Grounders" She says as she stands up away from the couch and Clarke.

Clarke frowns and nods "Ok! I'm gonna dress and we can.." She gestures to the door.

When Clarke and Lexa get to the café, they were surprised to find Dana sitting comfortably with their friends and talking animatedly.

"Good morning" Both Clarke and Lexa say to their friends.

"Dana!" Clarke smiles at the tennis player "It's nice to see you around".

"Thank you" Dana blushes.

"So how are you guys doing today?" Clarke asks looking at her friends.

"Good, how about you Clarke?" Raven says looking awkwardly at her.

"I'm fine" Clarke raises her eyebrow, confused about the tone Raven used. She looks between her and Lexa then shakes her head. Her thoughts are driving her crazy.

"What about you Lexa?" Octavia asks feeling sorry for her friend.

"I'm dealing with it" Lexa replies sadly with a fake smile.

"That must be hard for you guys" Dana acknowledges.

"It is" Clarke agrees and Lexa huffs.

No one missed the way Lexa was acting and the silence was awkward so Alice quickly replies to change the sensitive topic "Nobody asks but I feel fantastic".

"All, I'd ask if we didn't spend…" Raven gestures between the two of them.

"Oh! Right" Alice chuckles and Luna looks worriedly between her cousin and her friend.

"So Lexa are you ready for our crazy weekend?" Alice asks Lexa who shifts uncomfortably in her seat.

"Yeah..I…emm, I am" She stutters and Clarke looks at her.

"Weekend?" Lexa could see a frown and a little bit of something not good at all in Clarke's eyes.

"Yeah! I'm going to the Dinah weekend shore with Alice and Raven" Lexa informs Clarke.

"You're going too?" Dana interrupts asking surprised.

Clarke was fuming in the inside, it was the most embarrassing moment she had to experience and in front of all her friends. The atmosphere quickly turned tense, she was feeling so angry at Lexa but she couldn't say anything.

"Yeah" Alice replies enthusiastically.

"Stop bragging, I'm not going there" Luna pouts poking her cousin.

"Don't be a baby, Clarke and Octavia are not coming too" Alice replies.

"Actually, I invited O so she is coming with me" Dana replies with a smile.

Everyone around the table is looking at Octavia now! As if she wasn't feeling uncomfortable already.

"You are?" Raven's voice is heavy, Octavia meets her eyes and replies "Yeah" She says hooking her arm around Dana's.

Luna looks at them, the tension is palpable ' _How does not Alice see that there is something happening between the two of them'_ She thinks making a note to herself to talk to her cousin and enlighten her about the situation.

Clarke feels like she is going crazy, her friends along with her wife are talking about something she didn't know about a minute ago. Octavia looks gay despite the fact that not long ago she stormed at their place and they end up to that conclusion but she still denied. Raven and Lexa are getting close, closer than she would like. She starts feeling a little bit jealous. Raven is jealous too of Dana because Octavia is clearly attached to the hips to her but she is what it seems like sleeping and dating Alive, Luna's cousin.

She takes a deep breath and takes out her phone that kept buzzing all the way to the café. Raven looks at her smiling while checking her phone while Lexa is oblivion to it.

"Clarke!" Raven uses the same tone again.

"Yeah?" Clarke can't help but feel weird at Raven's behavior with her.

"How is the work at the museum, still as busy as it used to?" Raven asks.

"Emm! Yeah the closer the exhibition gets, the busier we are" Clarke replies shrugging her shoulders then looks down at her phone again.

"So you're not having lunch yet" Alice adds and when Clarke frowns looking questioningly at her she adds nervously "Lexa told us that you barely eat because of work" She chuckles nervously.

"Yeah! Same old me, I guess" Clarke replies feeling uncomfortable then her brain catches up! ' _I did have lunch with Niylah!_ ' She smiles nervously at them to hide her thoughts, she looks at Raven and finds her staring at her as well as Alice.

Raven's attention is tore between Clarke on her phone and Octavia's weird behavior with Dana. She can't help feeling jealous and it irritates her.

Clarke takes it as her cue to leave before things gets worse, she leans in and kisses Lexa on her cheek "See you tonight".

"You're going back to work, already?" Octavia asks.

"Yeah, we're getting close to the dead line and I took the day off yesterday" Clarke explained.

"They'll miss you" Raven comments and Clarke frowns at her.

"Ok, have a nice day guys" Clarke replies ignoring Raven's comment.

Clarke walks few steps away leaving when she hears Lexa's voice calling her. She looks back not sure if she heard well and sees Lexa coming her way.

"I'll call Dan Foxworthy today, are you sure you wanna do it?" Lexa asks.

"Of course, Lexa! Anything for you" Clarke replies pecking her lips then adds "Call me"

Lexa raises her eyebrow confused. Clarke must be angry at her for not telling her about her plans for the weekend but she is not or she hides it well.

After Clarke left, Octavia went to help Bellamy and her employees to avoid feeling Raven's gaze on her and Dana takes it a cue to leave feeling less comfortable without Octavia's presence.

Luna takes the opportunity to open the conversation purposely to prompt Raven's reaction "I'm confused! Is Dana and Octavia a thing?"

As she predicted her words got Raven's attention, she looked at her but said nothing while Lexa was too busy fidgeting with her phone, Alice replies "Yeah, I guess so otherwise why would Dana invite her to Palm Springs?"

Luna looks at Raven again and meets her eyes but the brunette looks instantly away and it only pushed Luna to ask her "Raven, what do you think?"

Raven understood what Luna was trying to do, after all she is the only one who knows that Raven and Octavia were best friends and that there was clearly some history between the two old best friends.

"I don't care!" Raven replies angrily.

"Lexa?" Luna tries to get Lexa involved in the conversation.

"Sorry! What is it?" Lexa replies putting away her phone.

"What do you think is Dana and Octavia a thing?" Luna boldly asks again and Raven huffs in annoyance.

"I don't know" Lexa says first than her eyes automatically looks at the direction of Raven, even though Raven never confessed anything to her she knows Octavia is a sensitive subject for her "I don't think so, Octavia made it clear that she is not ready for any girl girl action"

Luna nods "Well, she clearly is getting there by the way she was clinging to Dana"

Raven was done hearing her friends talking about Octavia she knocks her seat back as she leaves.

"Luna!" Lexa looks at her in a warning.

"What?" Luna feigned innocence.

"You really are a cunt Lu! You know Raven doesn't want to talk about Octavia" Alice reprimands her cousin.

"What?" Luna asks confused "How do you know?"

"She is my girlfriend, Lu. Of course I know" Alice replies and Lexa's eyes widened in both confusion and shock, Luna doesn't say anything and Alice takes the opportunity to explain "She is my girlfriend. The sex is amazing but she was honest with me since the beginning that she loves someone else" Alice confessed to her friends.

Luna was about to say something when her cousin interrupts her "I swear I'll kill you Lu if she ever learns that I talked to you about it" Alice index finger was close to Luna's nose threateningly.

"God!" Lexa replies astonished "And you're ok with that?"

Alice shrugs, "We're girlfriends _Girl. Friends_ and consenting adults who have sex and company instead of lonely dinners and cold beds"

' _Wow, I could never do it'_ Lexa admits to herself.

"All, I don't want you to be hurt in the process. It is obvious that Raven loves O" Luna blurs out.

"I know" Alice confesses and even if Luna and Lexa knew it, hearing it from Alice's mouth a loud confirmation surprised them.

Raven leaves her friends, having had enough hearing about Octavia and what might be her relationship with Dana, the tennis player. She storms out of the café and hops in her car but doesn't leave.

She takes her phone from her pocket and texts Octavia ' _Can we talk?_ ' she hits the send button before chickening out.

Not a minute later, her phone chimes in her hand.

 _ **Octavia:**_ _Of course! But you left!_

Raven lifts her eyes from her phone and looks at the café with a smile, happy about Octavia's reply. She didn't refuse to talk to her she instantly replied positively.

She decides to go back into the café but then remembers her friends' discussion so she decides to text her back instead.

 _ **Rey:**_ _Can you come out, I'm in my car._

Raven doesn't wait long before seeing Octavia coming out of her café, she waves at her with a smile. Octavia opens the door of the passenger seat and gets in.

"Hey! What's wrong?" Octavia asks curiously looking at Raven.

"Nothing, I just wanted to talk to you and back in there our friends are a little bit annoying" Raven lets out a nervous chuckle.

"Annoying is a nice way to describe them" Octavia chuckles looking straight ahead while knowing that Raven's eyes are on her.

"I wanted to ask you" Raven says and Octavia somehow feels like she knows where it is going.

"Ask" Octavia blurs out without looking at Raven.

Raven nods and simply asks "Are you and Dana…together?" Octavia could hear Raven's wavering voice.

"Why? Why are you asking me that?" She asks back finally meeting Raven's eyes.

Raven's heart drop, it is too much at the same time. Octavia's eyes were not soft, they looked at her with anger at the same time it is obvious that they must be something otherwise Octavia would have simply replied by a No.

Raven stutters "I…I just don't want you to get hurt" She replies making no sense to herself nor to her friend.

"Why would I get hurt, Rey?" Octavia asks and Raven's heart tightens she missed hearing Octavia calling her Rey.

"I don't know" Raven replies honestly taking her eyes away from Octavia's "I guess, I can't help feeling protective when it comes to you and she is a tennis player and I don't trust her" Raven half-confesses omitting the fact that she was jealous of the tennis player.

"Dana is not…she is a good person Rey, and I've Bellamy to protect me I don't need your protection but your friendship back" Octavia's reply takes Raven aback.

Raven's eyes meet Octavia's again and a smile reaches them "I'd love that" Octavia could see tears welling in Raven's brown eyes.

"But how?" She is surprised by Raven's question that mirrored much her own thoughts.

"I don't know" She shrugs "Maybe we should talk" Octavia says then her tone is insisting "Peacefully" she smiles at Raven knowing that she got what she is referring to then continues "And hang out, just the two of us like we used to do"

"We should definitely hang out at Palm springs" Raven suggests.

"No!" Octavia replies "After the weekend would be better" She looks at Raven whose only reply is a nod.

"Settled then! We'll talk again after the weekend" Raven says looking away from Octavia's eyes trying to keep her tears inside.

"Thank you, Rey" Raven hears Octavia soft voice and she smiles but cannot help a tear rolling down her cheek, she quickly wipes it.

"Thank YOU" Raven replies simply before watching Octavia leaving her car and going back into her café.

"Luna, leave your cousin alone. She's old enough, she knows what she's doing" Lexa interrupts Luna's arguments with Alice.

"Thank you, Lexa" Alice nods thankfully at her friend while Luna looks away obviously angry that she was interrupted.

"Ok! I shut up but don't come crying to me when your heart is broken like everytime" Luna warns her cousin.

"Shut up, it was once and I was 18 and she was my first girlfriend" Alice replies.

"Oh my God! You guys are like babies, stop it" Lexa firmly says seeing that Luna was about to reply something else.

Both cousins keeps silent and Lexa is glad for it when her phone chimes on the table.

"Sorry!" Lexa excuses herself to take the phone call. Luna noticed her friends eyes lit at her phone and a smile crept on her lips.

However, when she is back Lexa's face droped she sits silently and throws her phone in her handbag.

"Is something wrong?" Luna asks her friend worried and Lexa gives her a fake smile "No, it is ok"

"Oh! Before I forget Lexa" Alice gets Lexa's attention "I talked to my boss about your career and he is willing to give you a shot" She grins looking at her.

Lexa's eyes widen "Really?" Alice nods.

"God, this is amazing." Lexa reacts then looks gratefully at her friend "Thank you Alice, it means a lot to me"

"It's nothing Lexa! You need to get your life back on tracks" Alice bluntly remarks.

"I know" Lexa replies sadly.

"Hey! It's a good thing" Alice reassures her friend "Getting back on track, fresh start"

Clarke finds Monty waiting for her at the entrance of her office, she smiles at him grateful to have someone who is neutral with her even though their relationship is strictly professional he grew in her esteem. She could feel his friendship at the way he cares as much as she does for her work out of respect and also because he got used to her, never does he question her choices and even when she feels like he tries to question it he does it so subtly.

Monty also is a very discreet young man, in Clarke's opinion the most professional employee of the CAC and the best assistant she has ever had. Much would have been a disaster for Clarke's career in the CAC if he didn't suggest and manage to handle complicated situation without her direct intervention.

"Good morning, Monty" Clarke says getting into her office without stopping knowing that Monty is going to follow her.

"Good morning" He replies before adding "I'm sorry for your loss"

"Thank you" Clarke simply replies while settling on her desk not looking at Monty who was briefing her. When he was done he put her schedule on her desk and left.

She checks it then sees that there was Niylah's name at lunch time again she freezes not knowing how to feel about it. Sure, Niylah did it on purpose so that Clarke would go and have lunch with her again which felt more like a date. Clarke lets out a deep breath she didn't know she was holding, this woman is playing games that Clarke cannot take part as much as good it felt, it was wrong.

She takes her phone from her bag and checks Niylah's texts that she never replied to because not only it was wrong and what could have she said? She looks at it then dials Lexa's number. However, Lexa doesn't reply and Clarke decides to leave her a text instead.

Clarke dived right into her work she was happy when she was doing it. It helped her forget about things that bothered her like for instance her she is failing her marriage to Lexa.

When Clarke is snapped out of her work she notices that it is almost lunch time and she didn't ask Monty to cancel or push the meeting for the afternoon without thinking she rushes to Monty's little office next to hers and opens the door.

What her eyes meet is nothing she would have seen coming, or expected at all. Monty was pinned against the wall by no one else than Jasper.

"Jasper!" Clarke lets out aggravated after seeing that they didn't notice her presence.

"Fuck" Jasper looks back at the intruder without moving away from him.

"Sorry" Clarke could hear Monty's shy voice then she sees him pushing Jasper away so he can free himself.

Jasper straightens his clothes and walks towards the door trying to leave as nothing happened but Clarke stops him "Jasper" Her tone is the one she uses when she wants to be obeyed.

"Clarke?" Jasper replies in a questioning look and it only aggravated Clarke further.

"You're gay?" She asks curiously.

"Bi" He corrects before pushing the door open and leaves.

"I apologize, Clarke. It won't happen again" Monty finally speaks.

"God! I…never saw it coming. You and Monty? He is straight!" Clarke exclaims.

"Bi" Monty corrects her shyly not meeting her eyes.

"Since when?" Clarke deadpans and Monty's cheeks turn crimson red.

"Oh!" Clarke realizes "Guys! Keep it in your pants next time, not in here" Clarke warns him and he nods.

"Well…I came to ask you about my schedule" Clarke tries hardly to not look at Monty straight into his eyes knowing that it is only making things weird and difficult for him to talk to her.

"Aha!" He replies waiting for her to ask and leave. He has been caught making out with a colleague by his boss and he never had to experience something like that.

"Did Niylah ask you to schedule our meeting on Lunch time?" She asks trying to not let it show in her voice that she was intrigued.

"Yes" He quickly replies and Clarke nods "Please tell her that our meeting today is delayed. I have some urgent things to deal with instead" She says then adds "Personal matters" Monty nods understandingly and simply replies "I'll let her know that you won't be available"

Clarke thanks him and before she closes the door she looks at him again "I hope it won't happen again, Monty. I'd hate to lose you" She says and leaves not giving him the chance to reply.

That day, Clarke managed to avoid Niylah and much to her surprised the woman didn't barge into her office so she did her best to finish her work early to head back home and talk to her wife about the morning's event.

Of course it doesn't surprise her when she finds that Lexa is not alone but with almost every one of their friends, well the ones that are going to the Dinah shore weekend. And it doesn't surprise her that Lexa is again astonished to see her coming back home early.

She greets everyone politely then goes into her bedroom undresses and goes into the shower. When she gets out she puts sweatpants and a loose T-shirt and joins her friends who all get silent the second she steps in her living-room.

"Hey" She smiles at her wife pecking her lips then adds "How was your day?"

"Fine" Lexa shrugs.

Clarke's smile falls, again Lexa is not only cold with her but she is not communicating with her and worse she is doing it again in front of their friends which is getting on Clarke's nerves even if she does her best not to show it knowing that Lexa is not in her right state of mind after their loss. ' _She needs time to heal_ ' She excuses her wife's behavior.

So instead of showing all the worries that are toying with her emotions and thoughts in her mind she smiles at her and asks Lexa again "What did you do the whole day?"

Lexa raises a brow at her and replies "Nothing! Nothing…this is all me. I do nothing"

Clarke's jaw drops at Lexa's reply, both Raven and Alice looks at Clarke while Luna and Octavia along with Dana and Tim leaves the living-room and go outside to the swimming pool giving the couple their privacy.

Alice cuts in trying to dissipate the awkward atmosphere and weird silence that was about to settle or worse a fight between the married couple "We've been planning our trip"

Despite knowing her friend's intention is to ease the tension, Clarke looks at Alice annoyed at her constant interruptions and then at Lexa with a hint of anger iin her eyes.

"So you're going!" Clarke ignores Alice and Raven and lets out angrily.

"Yeah" Lexa shrugs her shoulders and Clarke's eyes widen "Are you hearing yourself?"

"I don't get it!" Lexa frowns.

"When were you planning to tell me about this fucking weekend trip, Lexa?" Clarke snaps at her.

"Now" Lexa simply replies unfazed by Clarke's anger.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Clarke replies.

"What difference does it make if I'm here or not? You're never home" Lexa replies.

"What? You really wanna do this in front of our friends?" Clarke asks furious.

"Raven, let's go" Alice stands up tugging at Raven's shirt. Raven complies and walks toward the door then stops at Clarke's loud remark "Fucking unbelievable".

Raven looks back at her friends and goes back into the living-room "Clarke!" She says in a warning tone.

Clarke looks at her with a frown and replies harshly "What Raven? Don't you fucking see that I'm in the middle of something?"

"Watch out your tone, Clarke!" Raven warns her friend again and Alice tries to keep her from going back inside the living-room where Clarke is standing right now and Lexa is sitting on the couch.

"You don't have to deal with this Lexa, come home with me" Raven says looking at Lexa.

"Raven" Lexa blinks taken aback by her friend's concern.

"Are you fucking together?" Clarke's voice is loud, loud enough for her other friends by the swimming-pool to hear.

Both Lexa and Alice frown at Clarke's words "What?" Raven spits out "You really are a hypocrite, Clarke"

"I am a hypocrite? Look at your girlfriend's face" Clarke points at Alice "She clearly is suspecting…" Lexa looks at Alice and so does Raven.

"Clarke!" Lexa silences Clarke angrily.

"You fucking…" Raven rushes to the living-room towards Clarke and Lexa is quick enough to stand up between them "Raven!"

Raven stops and looks angrily at Clarke then says "We are not fucking together, Clarke. I'm just defending her because unlike you I'm not an insensitive cunt who prefers to spend her time at her work then to care about Lexa"

Clarke looks angrily at her then she hears Lexa saying "Enough, Raven. Leave, I'll be fine"

Raven stares at Lexa's eyes for a moment then says "Call me if you need anything" Lexa nods and watches Raven leaving then all their friends follow her.

Once the door is closed and she is left with Clarke, she looks intently at her trying to figure out what in the world made Clarke think that her and Raven are fucking together. The words hurt Lexa because out of everyone Clarke should be the last one to doubt her faithfulness. She knows her well, she should know her well.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8:**

 _ **Girls in tight dresses**_

 _ **who drags with moustaches;**_

 _ **Chicks driving fast**_

 _ **Ingenues with long lashes;**_

 _ **Women who long love, lust;**_

 _ **Women who give;**_

"I need to leave" Lexa says to herself more than to Clarke looking away from Clarke's eyes.

"Lexa!" Clarke tries to grab her wife's hand but she fails to "Please! We need to talk"

Lexa shakes her head "No, we don't. I need some time alone!" She says before adding "Away from you".

"Lexa please!" Clarke begs her but Lexa feels like she is suffocating in her presence.

"No, I'll go on the weekend trip with my friends…and then when I am back" Lexa stops thinking about what to say next then says "We'll go to Fox Danworthy"

Tears well into Clarke's eyes feeling helpless she follows Lexa and begs her to stay but it seems that the brunette was deaf to her pleading.

Lexa put her pyjamas in a small bag and few clothes and headed towards the door when Clarke runs past her and stands her back to the door keeping Lexa from leaving.

Clarke looks at her but Lexa doesn't meet her eyes, she is too angry to talk or even look at her.

"Lexa, please" Lexa hears Clarke's voice begging her not to leave "Lexa! Look at me" Clarke tries to reach for Lexa's face but the brunette avoids her touch and Clarke lets out a sob.

"Get out of my way, Clarke" Lexa lets out harshly.

"No, I'm not letting you leave" Clarke replies.

"Clarke! This is stupid, get out of my fucking way" Lexa lets out harshly.

"Why!" Clarke exclaims.

"I'm not doing this with you, Clarke" Lexa adds before pushing Clarke out of her way and leaving.

When she was in her car she hears Clarke screaming her lungs out, she takes a deep breath and drives away before Clarke follows her and makes a scene.

Lexa calls Raven and tells her that she is on her way to her place, saying that she needs a place to spend the night and Raven welcomes her.

They don't talk about what happened in Lexa's place, Raven offers her friend a shoulder to cry and a drink before heading to bed.

The very next morning, Lexa wakes up with a smell of pancakes and when she gets to the kitchen Alice bids her good morning and pushes a plate with delicious freshly made pancakes and a coffee mug.

"I didn't know you can cook!" Lexa says casually.

"Well, there's a lot things I can do" Alice smirks.

"Raven is lucky then" Lexa compliments.

"For now" Alice adds with a wink.

"Yeah!" Lexa nods.

"Morning Ladies" Raven steps in the kitchen and kisses Alice's neck.

"Morning sexy" Alice replies with a smile while Lexa simply says "Morning, Raven".

"You're spoiling us today or is it a one time thing because of Lexa?" Raven says.

"Definitely because of Lexa" Alice replies.

"Humm, Lexa I should invite you for sleepovers more often" Raven chuckles.

Lexa forces a smile as a reply not knowing what to reply. She wasn't here for a sleepover but she was here because she wanted to be away from Clarke, her wife to not fight with her. She was here because she has nowhere else to go.

"Today is going to be a busy day, I have an interview to do with some local artist then I'll be free to get ready for our trip" Alice says happily.

"I have to finish some things at the lab and it might take me the whole day so I don't think I'll be of much help, sorry!" Raven explains.

"That's ok, Alice you have me" Lexa smiles weakly.

"Great, you're coming to work with me then I'll introduce you to my boss before we go to interview the artist. How does it sound?" Alice asks.

"Good, I guess" Lexa replies.

"What?" Alice grimaces.

"Fantastic" Lexa corrects and Alice nods in approval while Raven laughs.

Clarke walks in her office in a mess the next morning. She spent a restless night thinking about her marriage and Lexa and how things got so bad between the two of them without her noticing.

Monty follows her silently seeing that Clarke was not so well as usual, she is perfectly dressed but her hair is not done as to her habits, no makeup and no jewelry. It was the sign that she had a terrible night or maybe she was hangover.

He briefs her in an almost whispering tone and Clarke is grateful for it. He doesn't go over all the details to cut it short and pushes her schedule for the day and turns to leave when finally Clarke speaks "No more Lunch meetings Monty"

"Alright, Clarke. I figured that and kept your lunch break free" Monty explains pointing at her schedule on her desk.

"Thank you" Clarke replies seriously and waits for him to close the door before checking her schedule.

"No Niylah! Good" She thinks loudly to herself.

Lexa spends the morning with Alice, she receives few calls and two texts from Clarke which she doesn't reply to, still feeling angry about Clarke's behavior.

Instead of going to work directly, Raven decides to stop by the café. She orders and waves at Octavia who was talking to a man. Octavia nods and few seconds later comes to see her.

"Hi" Raven says nervously.

"Hi, Raven" Octavia replies with a smile.

"Do you need something?" Octavia asks looking at Raven who is silent.

"No, I ordered" Raven replies then adds "I don't want you to go to Palm Springs"

"What?" Octavia looks surprised at her.

"I said, I don't want you to go to Palm Springs" Raven repeats as if it is normal what she was saying.

"I heard you, Rey!" Octavia deadpans angrily "What a shame because I'm going" Octavia says before turning away but Raven stops her and grabs her wrist.

Octavia looks back at her with a death glare "Let go of me, Raven"

Raven loosens her grip then lets Octavia's wrist "Fine" She spits angrily.

"How dare you! You're going there with…" Octavia gestures then holds her tongue "I thought we were going somewhere, we talked…I'm stupid" Octavia stutters then leaves.

Raven closes her eyes ' _Fuck_ ' She mumbles, she just fucked it up again but she couldn't help herself trying. The idea of Octavia with Dana in the same hotel room didn't sit well with her, she spent the night thinking about it and about what she can do to not let it happen but nothing really came to her mind so she decides she will simply ask Octavia.

She takes her order and leaves the café to her lab, it is going to be a long day and it is going to be a shitty and long weekend.

Later that day Lexa decides to go to her place and get ready for the weekend before Clarke comes back home avoiding her sparing them another fight. When she finishes packing she goes back to Raven's lab to ask for her keys and finds Raven in a shitty mood.

"Hey!" Lexa walks into Raven's lab.

"Hey you!" Raven replies not tearing her eyes from what she was doing.

"I went and packed to avoid bumping into Clarke later" Lexa says to her friend.

"Yeah, good move" Raven comments.

"Not really! I shouldn't be avoiding her" Lexa huffs.

"No, it is a good and the smart thing to do" Raven insists.

"If you say so" Lexa shrugs "So, I need the keys to your apartment so I can leave what I packed"

"Of course" Raven replies going to one of her drawers to grab the keys.

"Here" She toss them to her friend then goes back to her work.

"Are you sure you're ok?" Lexa asks worried.

"I'm fine, Lexa" Raven replies.

"Raven! Don't tell me Clarke's words affected you!" Lexa asks feeling like Raven is acting cold and avoiding to meet her eyes.

"What?" Raven huffs out finally looking at her "Hell no!" She reassures her friend "Yeah, it was…weird! I mean What? But" She shrugs "I don't care if she has trust issues with you…it is not about her" Raven adds.

"Then what is it?" Lexa tries not to discuss about Clarke's behavior and focus on what's bothering her friend.

"Octavia" Raven says looking back at her work.

"What about her?" Lexa insists.

"Nothing really!" Raven replies "I just…things were fine and I fucked it up again"

"What did you do?" Lexa asks bluntly.

"I told her not to go to Palm Springs" Raven replies.

Lexa holds herself from laughing "You did what?"

"You heard right" Raven says shamefully.

"God! Why? You're going there too" Lexa asks confused.

"I know, but she is going with Dana" Raven says.

"So what? You're going there with Alice" Lexa comments.

"I just don't want her and Dana to…to hook up" Raven confesses shyly.

"Ow!" Lexa doesn't know what to say she wasn't expecting to hear that.

"Yeah!" Raven huffs.

"You love her" Lexa says and Raven looks at her.

"I don't want another woman kissing her and touching her…I don't want someone else to be her first" Raven says.

"That's…sweet" Lexa comments "Clarke was my first" She smiles sadly "Yet look where we're"

"Exactly! You're married" Raven says annoyed then Lexa raises an eyebrow at her "It's different" Raven says "I'd never be a jerk to her if she was my wife"

"Thank you for reminding me that I have a jerk for a wife" Lexa jokes bitterly "If you don't want someone else to be her first what are you doing with Alice then?"

Raven's lips part then shuts "I don't know" She lets out angrily.

"Then figure it out and tell Octavia how you feel" Lexa says seriously.

"Really!" Raven looks at her "Your advice is to go tell my homophobic friend that I am gay for her?"

"Right, but if she is homophobic what is she doing with Dana then?" Lexa asks her.

"I don't know" Raven huffs "She is just….arfff…irritating! A minute she is kissing me and fucking me in a bathroom the next minute she is homophobic"

"She fucked you in the bathroom?" Lexa's eyes widen.

"No, I fucked her but…that's not the point Lexa!" Raven replies annoyed.

"Oh, girl you really are gay for her" Lexa says.

"What should I do?" Raven asks "I can't possibly tell her that I want her"

"Yet a few minutes ago you were picturing her in a white dress saying I do to you! Raven do what you gotta do to let her know! You know her better than I do" Lexa says leaving Raven thoughtful.

Clarke parks her car outside her house and looks at it. Nothing, the place is dark no lights on she lets out a deep breath and takes her handbag along with her suitcase which had some paper work she needed to finish and gets out of her car.

She is walking to her door keys already in her hands when she sees Tim parking his car she smiles at him and he waves at her getting out of his car.

"Clarke" He calls her.

"Hey! Tim" She replies.

"Hey! How are you?" Tim asks her with genuine concern and Clarke forces a smile "I'm fine, you?"

"I'm good" He smiles back at her.

"Why don't you come to Palm Springs?" Tim blurs out.

"Wasn't invited" Clarke bluntly replies.

"Then come with me" Tim grins.

"I can't, work" Clarke simply replies feeling exhausted she lifts her suitcase gesturing with it.

"You shouldn't let it affect your relationship, Clarke" Tim says seriously.

"It's not" Clarke replies and Tim looks at her knowingly.

"I mean! It's not just work…it is like we're drifting apart…and the baby loss…it is like too many things at the same time" Clarke tries to explain.

"Then you should take a break! Go to Palm Spring, surprise Lexa, be there, spend time with her…I don't know" Tim shrugs "Do your thing to get that flame back! You guys are my favorite couple"

Clarke smiles weakly at him, she long ago forgot how to do her thing she feels like everything she does is wrong and not enough. And they haven't been that couple for a while now. She shakes her head "I don't think she wants to see me again after yesterday's…she left! I tried to stop her from leaving but to no avail…she was determined to get away…from me, she said" Clarke says hurt in her tone "She said she needs time away from me" Clarke's voice is broken.

Tim nods "It happens! Give her time" He shrugs then looks at her intently 'But not long" He warns her.

"Don't worry, I'm not that stupid" Clarke says "We're going to see a couple's therapist when she comes back" She adds.

"I'm sure you'll get through it, Lexa loves you" Tim smiles sympathetically at her.

"Thank you Tim" Clarke replies.

When she gets finally into her house then into her bedroom she notices that Lexa came by and packed ' _She doesn't even want to see me'._ She kicks off her heels and lays on her bed defeated.

 _ **On the way to Palm Srings;**_

Alice hops in the car along with Raven and Lexa, she checks everything before finally starting off the engine.

"Ready for a weekend full of Lezies, Lexa?" Alice asks.

"Ready for the weekend" Lexa replies with a smile feeling a little bit better than the previous day.

"I'm warning you Raven if I find someone sexier than you, you don't know me! Ok?" Alice says shamelessly.

"Ow! I thought we're gonna share a room" Raven replies confused.

"Hell no!" Alice deadpans and they burst in laughter.

"So you're going to hook up with different people in a…?" Lexa asks.

"A golf tournament" Raven continues.

"Yeah! A golf tournament also known as a Dinah shore weekend" Alice explains.

"Is she gay?" Lexa asks.

"No, Dinah Shore is dead, she died back in 1994 and she actually hated the fact that the tournament turned into a spring break for lesbians" Alice informs Lexa.

"Ow! I read that there will be around ten thousand women in there!" Lexa replies.

"Yeah! Ten thousand gays, she is rolling in her grave" Alice jokes.

Once they get there, Alice stops them at the entry of the hotel "Wait here guys! Let me handle this" Raven and Lexa looks at her then at each other not understanding what Alice is planning to do.

Few minutes later, Alice comes back with one key card "I got us a presidential suite with room service everything covered by my job" She grins.

Raven looks at Lexa then at Alice "I thought we're not sharing the same room!"

"Well, we'll see about that if I can get some you guys are out" Alice simply says before getting into the elevator "Come on girls"

Lexa leans closer to Raven and whispers " _Octavia! Don't forget that she may get some too"_

"I don't need a reminder thank you" Raven replies and follows them into the elevator.

They walk into the presidential suite and admires the decoration then Lexa opens the balcony which gives view directly at the Hotel's swimming pool.

"That's every man's dream to dive in a woman lesbian pool" Lexa says catching Raven and Alice's attention who comes out and see for themselves what she is talking about.

"It's going to be a gayful weekend" Alice sheers and both Lexa and Raven laughs.

"It sure is going to be interesting" Lexa says and Raven doesn't miss her friend's innuendo.

Later in the afternoon, Dana along with Tim and Octavia gets to the hotel. The minute they step in, a funny and bubbly looking woman runs to meet them "Dana? Dana Fairbanks?" She hooks her arm around Dana's taking her by surprise "Eh, yeah"

"I'm so glad to meet you, I'm Tonya and I'm here to take care of all your needs. So are you alone?" The woman speaks in a breath.

"Oh!" Dana is almost surprised she stopped "No, I'm with my friends" She points out to Octavia and Tim.

The woman eyes Octavia closely "She is your girlfriend? Because if she is I'm sure I can make few calls to get her tickets! I need you ready in a half an hour but I'll handle it" She asks bluntly.

"Ow! No" Dana replies shyly looking at Octavia who shakes her head at the crazy looking woman and then smiles at Dana "I'll be fine".

"Ok! So glad to have you hear Dana, I'm gonna need to protect you from the staff here, seriously though I am here to link between you and your fans it is part of my job" She stares at Dana who is a bit disoriented "Ok" She laughs nervously.

"Now! I'm gonna give you the key to your room" She hands it to Dana who thanks her.

"And here is my card, I'm going to note my phone number and I want you to use it if you need anything at all" She adds and Dana nods "Ok!"

"I'm talking about a second opinion to what pair of shoes you need to wear, you just call me, ok?" She speaks again quickly and Dana is barely enough to catch on her words while Tim and Octavia are watching with wide eyes the energetic exchange between the two women "Ok" Dana replies again.

"Bye, ladies" Tonya finally spares a second glance at Octavia who flushes a nervous smiles at her "Bye".

Octavia walks towards the reception desk to book a room when Dana stops her.

"Wait! I invited you! And it is a suite I mean it is big enough for the two of us" She lifts the key to show it to Octavia.

"Ok" Octavia smiles and follows her.

"See you at the photo shoot, Dana" Tim shouts to Dana who was walking toward the elevator.

Just as Dana and Octavia are getting to their suite, a door opens and Raven and Alice along with Lexa storms out laughing of their own. Alice had her arm around Raven's waist.

"Oh hey guys" Dana waves at them while Lexa looks at Octavia, Raven stiffen seeing that indeed Octavia is going in the same room as Dana.

"Hi" Alice smiles at them "We're neighbors, how cool is that?" She lets out joyfully.

' _Fuck_ ' Raven greets her teeth and Lexa lets out a strangled chuckle.

"Cool" Dana replies "Guess we'll see you guys later" She adds before sliding her key.

"It's going to be interesting" Lexa lets out sarcastically and Raven rolls her eyes "Shut up"

 _ **West Hollywood, Clarke's house;**_

Clarke wakes up to her phone chiming, she tries to grab it from her nightstand but fails to, she groans feeling a little bit hang over after spending her night drinking her ass off.

"Fuck" She groans when her phone starts ringing again.

She pushes herself out of bed and reaches for it "Monty?" She says after picking up.

"Eh! Clarke! I'm sorry to call but are you not coming today? Should I cancel all your meetings?"

"What?" Clarke looks at her phone and her eyes widen "Oh God! No, I'll be right there" She hangs up and hurries to get into the shower. It is not usual that she is late to work, well she is never late to work. With all the alcohol she has in her system and little sleep she manages just fine to shower and get ready in a record time.

When she gets to her office, she check her schedule and huffs ' _Niylah_ ' again! Just before lunch time, apparently this woman isn't going to give up trying.

Few minutes later, Monty pushes the door softly and steps in "I'm sorry for bothering you, Clarke" He starts when Clarke cuts in "Monty, you don't have to say sorry every time you have something to tell me" Clarke smiles at him.

"I'm sorry!" He repeats "Niylah is here to see you" Monty says looking at Clarke for a reply.

' _Since when she doesn't bother barging in and waits politely!_ ' Clarke thinks to herself "I…emmm, can you tell her I'll meet her in the conference room?" She can't keep avoiding her, it is going to be suspicious.

Monty simply nods almost whispering his reply "Ok" before leaving. He has been tiptoeing around Clarke since the day she caught him pinned against the wall by Jasper.

She dives back into her work finishing the paper work she brought home with her but didn't touch and then goes to the conference room where she unmistakingly finds Niylah's waiting for her.

"Clarke" Niylah lets out in a surprised tone.

"Niylah" Clarke nods curtly taking siiting face to face to the woman "You have half an hour, I've tones of work to do" Clarke lets out.

"Oh! I asked Monty to schedule our meeting on lunch time but he said you asked him not to" Niylah excuses herself.

"Yes" Clarke confirms.

"It's fine, I just wanted to go over some last details with you and we can go out to…" Clarke interjects "Please I don't have all day"

"Ok!" Niylah raises her eyebrow she is about to start then lets out "Are you purposely avoiding me?" Clarke frowns feigning confused.

"Cause it really seems that you're" Niylah explains "I can send my assistant to go over the details with you but don't complain if thinfs are not how you want them at the end result" Niylah sounds offended and Clarke feels embarrassed at her behavior. It is stupid she needs to be an adult and be true to herself and to the woman.

"I'm sorry! It is just that I'm stressed out with the exhibition" She pinches the bridge of her nose "I didn't want to be rude let's get to work and I'll make it up to you with Lunch, I know a good restaurant down town! How does it sound?"

Niylah's eyes bulge, she smiles and it reaches her eyes too "Perfect, it sounds perfect" She nods and starts right away.

After few minutes Clarke and Niylah are done and heads to the parking lot of the CAC.

"Hey! We're taking my car this time and I'm inviting" Clarke looks at Niylah with a smile.

"Ok, ok" Niylah raises both her hands in surrender.

"Good, get in" Clarke replies.

Clarke takes Niylah in her favorite restaurant and walks in then Niylah gestures "Is it ok if we take a table right there" She points at the terrace.

"Of course" Clarke smiles and follows her "I like an open space and restaurants with terraces, they are the best" Niylah comments.

"Yeah I like them too" Clarke replies with a shy smile.

The lunch goes well until Clarke's phone chimes.

"Oh! Your phone is a mood killer" Niylah comments.

"I'm sorry I gotta take it" Clarke excuses herself and walks to take it "Hi O"

"Aw, Hi Clarke" Clarke hears her friends in the other end. She picked up hoping to ask her friend about Lexa knowing that Octavia was in Palm Springs too and as Lexa refused to reply to any of her text messages or pick up her calls.

"Is everything alright?" Clarke asks worried.

"Yeah!" Octavia replies.

"Is Lexa alright?" Clarke tries again wanting to be specific.

"Yes, she is actually she is having way too much fun!" Octavia comments and Clarke's heart tugs.

"What? What do you mean, she's having too much fun?" Clarke asks worried.

"No, no not what it sounds like! She is drunk as fuck and she is….she is being I don't know! She keeps talking about you! It's early and she shouldn't be that drunk! Just call her, Clarke" Octavia says with a worried tone "I thought you should know"

"Thank you O! I'm gonna call her" Clarke replies before hanging up.

Clarke walks back to their table and apologizes.

"Is everything ok? I heard that some of the artwork is being hold up at the customs" Niylah looks at Clarke seeing that she looked worried by the phone call she got.

"No, it is nothing like that" Clarke replies "It was my friend who called" She says before adding "She's worried about my wife"

Niylah freezes "Oh!" She looks at Clarke who looks right into her eyes "I didn't know you had one!" She takes her drink and sips from the straw looking at Clarke waiting for a reply.

"Why would you?" Clarke replies with a smile.

 _ **Palm Springs, by the pool:**_

Octavia walks back outside by the pool where Alice, Raven and Lexa are having drinks.

"Lexa! You should stop drinking" Octavia says feeling like she needs to be the responsible one as usual if she can't stop her from getting wasted she should stick around to make sure she will be ok.

"What? No way! At least now I can drink! No baby, No fucking Clarke around to tell me what to do…and not do" She raises her drink to Octavia "You should get a drink and loosen up a little bit O"

"Right, do that" Alice replies giggling drunkily.

"God! You guys are drunk as fuck!" Octavia huffs annoyed.

"What are you doing with us Funsucker? Where is your Dana anyway?" Alice says earning Raven's attention who looks at Octavia waiting for her to answer.

"She has a photo shoot" Octavia replies.

"Ok! And that one right there?" Lexa points out at a woman walking at the other side of the pool.

"Easy! That's what I call a hundred footer" Alice replies and Octavia frowns and asks "What's that?"

"It means she can tell she is a lesbian from a hundred feet away, O" Raven replies looking annoyed at her.

"Is it her hair, is it her tits! I don't know, I can tell she is a lesbian from across a football field" Alice explains.

"That's stupid" Octavia lets out "You can't guess someone's sexuality by the looks"

"Yes, we can tell. It's like Gaydar, right?!" Lexa says.

Raven raises her eyebrow when Octavia stands up and walks few feet away "Ok! Guys what am I?" Octavia asks trying to get into the game.

Lexa laughs spilling out her drink laughing.

"Nah! Octavia, you're in transition it's impossible" Alice replies and Octavia insists "Come on, All"

"You need like a guy or a girl to tip you one way or the other" Alice replies shaking her head.

"Fuck! Who is the Funsucker now!" Octavia looks at Raven.

 _ **Back to Hollywood, the restaurant's terrace;**_

"Ok, I guess we should go back to work" Niylah says.

"Yeah!" Clarke smiles at her nervously.

Clarke stands up and walks few steps then turns back to get her phone from the table where she forgot it when she bumps directly into Niylah who was walking right behind her.

Their faces are barely an inch away from one another, Clarke would swear Niylah intentionally leaned in closer, she could feel her breath hitch. Clarke's eyes drops to Niylah's lips then back to her eyes.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Women who long love, lust;**_

 _ **Women who give;**_

 _ **This is the way**_

 _ **It's the way that we live**_

 _ **Talking, laughing, loving, breathing,**_

 _ **Fighting, fucking, crying, drinking,**_

 _ **Riding, winning, losing, cheating,**_

 _ **Kissing, thinking, dreaming.**_

 _ **Palm Springs, by the pool;**_

"You need like a guy or a girl to tip you one way or the other" Alice replies shaking her head.

"Fuck! Who is the Fun sucker now?" Octavia looks at Raven.

"She needs a whole squad and yet she wouldn't make up her mind" Raven lashes out.

"Ow!" Lexa lets out a hic up "Lesbian drama" She adds and Alice burst in laughter.

"Lexa!" She says "I'd never thought I'd see you that drunk" Again her words are interrupted by her laughter "You're much funnier wasted"

Raven eyes Octavia for a moment then lets out an exasperated huff tired of how her friend, ex best friend, the woman she has feelings for is trying so hard to do things she hates. And she is tired of her hot and cold game.

She goes to the bar and orders another round of drinks for her, Lexa and her girlfriend but nothing for Octavia knowing well that she rarely to not say never drinks.

When she comes back with the shots Octavia is nowhere to be seen, her eyes travels the surrounding to spot her but to no avail. The swimming pool is too crowded and too many women are passing by giving her hard time to find her friend.

"Where is O?" Raven asks not caring about showing her interest about her friend.

"Phone call" Alice replies and Lexa chuckles "She is doing the police for Clarke"

Raven frowns then her eyes shoot to the glass doors of the hotel, her eyes scans for few seconds when she could see Octavia in her jean shorts and black top talking on the phone with a serious face, full of concern.

 _ **Back to Hollywood, the restaurant's terrace;**_

Their faces are barely an inch away from one another, Clarke would swear Niylah intentionally leaned in closer, she could feel her breath hitch. Clarke's eyes drops to Niylah's lips then back to her eyes.

"Clarke?" Both women jolts apart guiltily as they were caught on doing something bad.

Clarke frowns "Luna?" Her cheeks are bright red and Luna's eyes are full of anger and confusion.

"Hey!" Luna says looking at Niylah from head to toe then looking at the not so existent space between the two women before she looks back into Clarke's eyes "what are you doing...Here?" Luna purposely pauses to finish her sentence wishing Clarke would catch on it.

Clarke smiles nervously "Work" She blurs out quickly "Luna this is Niylah, Niylah this is my friend Luna"

Niylah flashes a smile at Luna "Nice to meet you, Luna" And takes a step closer and gives her hand to shake Luna eyes it first to make sure that her message is clear then shakes her hand.

Luna doesn't reply and spares Niylah barely a fake smile then looks back angrily at Clarke who grabbed her phone and meets her eyes.

"You're leaving?" Luna asks her friend.

"Yeah, we're done" Clarke replies looking over Luna's shoulders instead of looking longer into her accusatory eyes.

"I'll see you tonight, Clarke" Luna says in a warning innuendo and Clarke greets her teeth.

"I'd love to" Clarke smiles trying to hide her feelings then looks at Niylah "Let's go"

Luna looks at the two women leaving, walking too much closely to her liking. She has to talk to Clarke tonight, she doesn't know what she was thinking when she told her she will meet her tonight! No, of course she knows. She just caught her married friend about to kiss another woman who is not her wife.

She takes a deep breath and tries to think about what she should do and what she would say to her friend to reason her but then she finds herself clueless.

She takes her phone and calls Raven! Raven is the one she can trust enough to keep the secret and share the burden with her. She can trust Raven with anything really but Raven doesn't pick up. She tries to call her back few times but to no avail.

' _Fuck'_ Luna blurs out frustrated, she thinks for a minute about calling her cousin All but she knows it is a bad idea. Alice doesn't know Clarke and Lexa well, she doesn't know them well enough to judge or know what's the right thing to do in this situation? In addition, her cousin is known for her stupid slip ups.

She has no choice than to call Octavia, which seems like the best thing to do and the right person to call and share the burden with after Raven of course to whom Luna is much closer and trusts her the most.

 _ **Palm Springs, the hotel's lobby:**_

Raven stares for a moment at Octavia then she sits when she sees her walking back towards her direction her face serious and angry. ' _God, how cute she looks when she has her angry face. I want to kiss her so bad'_ Raven thinks to herself then shakes her head from the thought knowing that it was not the right thing to do right now despite being tipsy and feeling over the edge she was handling the booze just fine comparing to her friends and could makes sensible decisions enough to not fuck things up with her friend.

Octavia clearly expressed her will to not interact with her for the weekend and she is even sharing a room with Dana even if she clearly told her that she didn't want her to come to Palm Springs.

"We need to talk" Octavia looks gravely at her and Raven is surprised.

"Now you wanna talk?" Raven lets out.

"Yes" Octavia replies nervously.

"Well, say what you have to say" Raven shrugs she cannot help herself acting like that, she wants to exasperate her friend to let her know how she feels.

"Not here, Raven" Octavia simply replies.

"Then, no" Raven deadpans and Octavia looks at her in a way that only Raven can understand the meaning behind it "Rey! Please!" Octavia tries softer now and Raven gets it ' _Rey_ ' Octavia only uses it when she wants to beg her.

"Ok" Raven pushes her drink and stands up waiting for Octavia to take the lead.

"Thank you" Octavia mouths then walks back into the hotel's lobby.

Raven grabs her wrist to stop her "Ok! I'm listening" She says crossing her arms at her chest looking defiantly at the younger brunette.

"Not here" Octavia says rolling her eyes and taking her hand to walk toward the elevator.

Raven frowns and follows her, they get to their wing and Octavia gestures for her to get in after opening the suite she was sharing with Dana.

Raven steps in and looks at Octavia's lips who doesn't miss it ' _Do it_ ' She could hear a voice in her head. She can see herself backing Octavia against the wall and kiss her and do so much more but then she sees her lips moving.

"It's about Clarke and Lexa" Octavia says afraid to get lost into Raven's hungry look. She needs to talk about serious matters first.

"What?" Raven's eyes meet hers confused.

"It is about Clarke and Lexa" Octavia repeats walking further into the suite putting space between her and Raven.

"What about them?" Raven frowns.

"Where is your phone?" Octavia asks out of nowhere and Raven seems even more confused.

"What?" Raven asks again confused.

"Luna tried to call you but you wouldn't pick up so she called me instead and she told me that she caught Clarke cheating or about to cheat…I don't know" Octavia lets out in a breath while rubbing her forehead.

Raven doesn't look surprised nor confused anymore but a wave of anger drapes her face and Octavia recognizes it "Raven?" Octavia is the confused one now.

"Fuck!" Raven lets out and paces through the suite "What did she say?" Raven stops and asks Octavia who looks at her shaking her head "Not much" She says "She met her, Clarke at Ark's restaurant kissing or..I don't know I didn't catch on the details"

"Did she say who was with her? With Clarke? What does she look like?" Raven asks and Octavia shakes her head.

"No, no she just said that she saw her and that she needs some advices about how to handles things because she is going to see her tonight" Octavia replies.

"God! This is so fucked up" Raven says to herself more than to Octavia while pinching the bridge of her nose.

Octavia watches Raven walking towards the door, she runs and catches her "Wait! Where are you going? You're not going to tell Lexa, are you?" Octavia says.

"What? No! I'm going to get my phone I left it in the room and I'm going to call Luna" Raven replies looking down at Octavia hand which was holding hers.

Octavia lets her hand and stutters "I'm…coming with you"

Raven looks at into her eyes for few seconds, down to her lips and then back up to her eyes and nods.

Octavia's cheeks are crimson red by now and she suddenly feels lucky to have a tanned skin.

She gulps and walks past Raven to open the door, Rave closes her eyes and inhales her best friend scent as she brushes against her on her way to the door.

Raven goes back to the pool to get the key from Alice.

"That's a quickie" Lexa comments and Alice nods at her while laughing "You're getting better and better Lexa"

"Shut up, All" Raven says feeling Octavia stiffen beside her and noticing now under the sunlight Octavia's flushed cheeks, her heart flutters at the sight she always loved shy Octavia.

"Here! If you stop eye fucking O you would actually see it" Alice replies pointing at the table where the key is.

Raven takes the key ignoring Alice's words and looks at Octavia "Let's go"

Octavia follows her silently when Alice shouts "Lesbians" earning the crowd's sheers.

"That's why I don't drink" Raven hears Octavia saying.

"Well, All is like that even when she's sober. Don't mind her" Raven replies.

Octavia was feeling uncomfortable at the tension between her and Raven, she was uncomfortable at the way her friend kept looking at her lips. She knows she is drunk, or at least tipsy and now she is in the elevator with her and she feels suffocated by the atmosphere and added to it the only man who was with them got out of the elevator and left the two of them alone again in the confined space.

Raven was leaning against the wall of the elevator looking at her, she takes her phone and starts checking her social media to avoid looking at Raven.

Indeed, Raven was looking at her but she was thoughtful her mind was too busy to notice how much her staring was making Octavia uncomfortable.

Octavia is the first one to get out of the elevator the second the doors open taking a deep breath and walking without waiting for her friend.

Raven gets in and leaves the door open for Octavia who enters but stays by the door, she doesn't want to follow Raven further in the suite where there's beds.

She waits for few minutes when she hears Raven talking she decides to get in seeing that she was not going to come. She finds her in a heated conversation with Luna obviously, she was asking her the same question over and over again.

"How the fuck does she look like, Luna? Luna? Shut the fuck up and answer me…" Raven's face was red with anger she was pacing around the king size bed rubbing her forehead.

Octavia walks closer and sits looking at her friend waiting impatiently for the phone call to end. Raven stops abruptly just when she is barely a feet away from Octavia and sits on the bed then she hangs up.

She looks for few seconds at her phone then throws it on the bed and takes her head in her hands whispering "She is cheating".

Octavia looks at her friend, Raven looks devastated about the news she knows Raven cares about Lexa, she noticed the way they got closer lately she can't help feel a ting of jealousy but then she focuses on her friend and their problem.

"What now?" Octavia asks not knowing what Raven has in her mind "We tell Lexa? We don't? We go back to home and talk to Clarke?" Octavia tries to voice out any possible solution.

"I don't know!" Raven replies without looking at her Octavia sighs then Raven adds "Luna is there, if we go back it will be suspicious she will talk to Clarke and we should keep Lexa safe"

"You call letting her drink herself to death safe?" Octavia lets out harshly than she intended.

Raven looks up at her for a moment then nods "I thought she needs it" Raven lets out defeated not knowing what to say or do anymore.

 _ **Hollywood, CAC, Clarke's office;**_

Clarke goes back to her office troubled by Luna's meeting, she doesn't know how much she saw but she knows she suspects something at the way she was acting and she even talked to her coldly saying that she will see her tonight.

She paces through her office almost making holes into the floor, she greets her teeth and wants to slap herself at her stupidity. Why in the world would she allow herself flirting with another woman in public while she is married?

She dials Lexa's number to check on her, her heart races waiting for her wife to pick up. She doesn't know how she is feeling about it, is it good because at least it means Lexa is having fun and knows nothing, and maybe if she can't reach her Luna can't too. Or is it because she knows and she doesn't want to talk to her.

She decides to leave her office earlier than usual and goes back to her place, takes a shower feeling dirty and guilty but it does nothing to her, when she comes out she feels even worse seeing her bed, their bed, hers and Lexa's and she breaks down crying.

She feels like she is not herself anymore! Like she is living in someone else's body, someone else's life. She doesn't have control over her life as she used to do maybe she is doing great at work but every other aspect in her life is a mess.

She gathers herself and decides to call Luna and invite her over so they can talk, she is forced to do it now. She is going to tell her friend, if she always is her friend everything about how she feels like she is falling out of love, like she losing herself, she is losing her life she spent years building, and she is losing Lexa as well.

Fortunately for her, Luna comes over shortly after they hang up. It doesn't give her time to clear and back away from letting everything out and she thinks that maybe it can help her relief from everything her life became.

"Where is she?" Luna doesn't waist her time tiptoeing still standing outside at Clarke's door.

Clarke frowns then gets the meaning of her friend "It is not what you think, Luna" Clarke replies trying to make sense.

"Oh, really?" Luna walks closer to her trying to intimidate her.

"Luna! Please, let's go inside and talk" Clarke says in a pleading tone.

Luna walks into Clarke's house angrily then the minute Clarke closes the door she starts "Does Lexa know?"

"There is nothing to know, Luna. Niylah works for the CAC" Clarke's voice is higher than she intended it to be "And she is a friend" She decides to add some truth at least.

"Friend? Clarke you guys were kissing" Luna shouts.

"What? No, we didn't" Clarke defends herself "I…I bumped into her and we were standing close, yes! But we didn't kiss" Clarke admits.

"Yeah, right you tripped and fell right on her lips" Luna replies sarcastically.

"Fuck" Clarke's nerves are on the edge, she wasn't expecting things to go down that road "Luna! I didn't kiss Niylah! I swear I didn't" Clarke tries to sound honest.

Luna studies her eyes for a moment "But you wanted to" Luna voiced Clarke's inner demons.

"I…I don't, no! No, no I am married for God's sake" Clarke stutters making it hard for Luna to believe her.

"Do you love her? Do you love this woman?" Luna asks.

Clarke shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes "No, I don't" She replies.

"Do you love Lexa?" Luna goes there hitting Clarke's inner struggle and this is all it takes Clarke to break down.

The tears that were in her eyes broke free and Luna understood it right away. Clarke doesn't love Lexa anymore that much is obvious. She steps forward and hugs her friend "Clarke! Talk to me!" She tries to let her friend explain herself.

"I don't know, Luna" Clarke says "I feel like I am falling out of love! It is like I know I love her I do but it is not…..it is not enough anymore! It's like we don't have that spark anymore. She barely looks at me Luna!" Clarke cries trying after uttering the words she has been feeling but trying hard to ignore.

"Lexa loves you Clarke!" Luna says "She is just grieving, give her some time…don't go cheat on her because you just don't feel desired for few days" Luna adds.

Clarke sobs "I am not cheating" Clarke lets out.

"Clarke! You were going to" Luna interjects.

"I wasn't" Clarke replies trying to convince herself "Just please don't tell Lexa anything" Clarke begs her friend.

"I won't, but you need to make it up for her" Luna warns her.

"We're going to couple's therapy when she is back" Clarke says.

"You better do!" Luna lets out in a threatening tone.

Clarke nods "Thank you, Luna" Clarke wipes her tears trying to compose herself.

 _ **Palm Springs, at a party:**_

"Hey there!" Octavia says arriving at Raven and Alice's table.

"Hi" Raven replies while Alice is too focused talking to a woman.

Octavia eyes with a confused look Alice and the way she is talking to that woman, then looks at Raven "Aren't you guys together?"

Raven looks at her for a moment then nods "We're just not exclusive" Raven explains.

"Oh! That explains" Octavia says her eyes on the dancing girls.

"You came here with Dana, didn't you?" Raven asks annoyed.

"I did but we're not exclusive" Octavia deadpans with a smirk.

Raven raises her eyebrow "Since when you're into girls?"

"I'm not" Octavia replies confusing Raven even more and without giving her the chance to reply or comment anything she adds "Wanna dance?"

Raven shakes her head and Octavia leaves to the dance floor and starts dancing. First she is alone than a woman approaches her and they continue dancing together. Closely, too much close to one another for Raven's liking. She looks away trying not to go and push that woman away from Octavia because she knows it will only make it worse.

After few songs, Octavia comes back but finds Raven alone.

"You girlfriend left you alone!" She comments.

"Why do you care?" Raven snaps at her feeling on the edge.

"Easy, Rey!" Octavia lets out "Where is Lexa? I haven't seen her!" She asks worried.

"She is safe and asleep" Raven replies then adds "Did Luna call you back?".

"No! Did she call you?" Octavia asks back.

"No! But she left me a text saying that she's at Clarkes'" Raven says.

"That's good, right?" Octavia asks.

"Honestly? I don't know!" Raven replies "Have a good night" She adds before leaving.

Octavia watches her leaving then after few minutes she realizes her mistake and runs after her.

She comes out and starts looking for Raven trying to find her but in vain. She walks back to the party and spends the rest of the night there.

When she is done for the night she goes back to the hotel and finds Raven there at the reception waiting so she goes to see her.

"Is everything alright, Raven?" Octavia asks and Raven rolls her eyes before turning back. Whenever she goes she finds her, it is like she is stalking her while she clearly told her that they shouldn't hang out together in Palm Springs.

"Nothing, I'm waiting for a room" Raven explains and Octavia grimaces confused.

"You guys have a whole presidential suite, isn't it enough?" She asks.

"No! Lexa is asleep and I couldn't sleep because you know…All" Raven says not wanting to give details.

"Oh! Ok" Octavia simply replies and stays with her friend.

After few minutes, Raven understands that Octavia isn't going to leave so she looks at her with a raised eyebrow "Are you stalking me?"

Octavia smiles "No, I'm waiting with you. I am not gonna leave my friend drunk alone until I'm sure she is safe" She explains seriously making Raven smile.

"She is here, you know?" Raven chuckles "Your friend".

"I know, does she know that I'm here?" Octavia asks with a shy smile.

"Believe me she does" Raven replies looking at Octavia's lips. She wants to lean in and kiss her, she is so close but then she hears the receptionist speaking to her.

"I'm sorry madame but we don't have any room available for tonight…"

"Spend the night with me!" Octavia blurs out, Raven looks at her silently then she adds "I mean the suite is big enough" She shrugs.

"What about Dana?" Raven asks.

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind" Octavia smiles at her nervously. Octavia knows that Dana won't spend the night in the suite with her she told her that she is going to spend the night with Tonya.


	10. Chapter 10

**_I picture you in the sun,_**

 ** _Wondering what went wrong._**

 ** _And falling down on your knees,_**

 ** _Asking for sympathy._**

…

 ** _But I was caught in between,_**

 ** _All you wish for and all you need_**

 ** _I picture you fast asleep, a nightmare comes_**

 ** _You can't keep awake_**

 ** _Palm Springs; At the Hotel;_**

Lexa wakes up with a terrible headache the next morning and instantly regrets getting heavily drunk last night. She didn't get drunk like that for so long and she forgot how painful it is the next morning.

She is hardly able to open her eyes and see that she is alone in the whole suite, she frowns at the ache in her head and eyes because of the light coming from the large windows.

She knows she has to wake up and get something to make her throbbing headache stop because no one is around and can help her. Also, all her friends might be waking up as hangover as her and won't be helpful anyway.

Lexa stumbles on her way to the bathroom and then she looks for her purse but doesn't find anything for her headache so she dresses and decides to see if she can find any drugstore.

On her way to the elevator Lexa bumps into Raven who just got out from Octavia's suite hair disheveled, her body wrapped in a sheet and clothes in her hands. Her eyes widen at being caught.

"I…uh! Can I have the key?" Raven asks embarrassed.

Lexa throws it to her "I'm gonna leave you but I'll get back to you later if I survive my headache"

"Good! Just don't tell All, please!" Raven replies before Lexa gets into the elevator.

Raven gets in their suite and quickly grabs a change of clothes and heads into the shower, she doesn't want Alice to see her like that. She doesn't even know what the hell happened yesterday night.

She knows she kept drinking and the last thing she remembers is like a blur she was straddling Octavia on the bed and kissing her? Or maybe not, she doesn't know if it is her memory or just what she wanted to happen.

All she knows is that she woke up naked body flushed against Octavia's under the sheets it was enough data to freak out.

Once she finished showering she puts on a tank top and shorts then checks her phone. She finds ten missed calls from Luna and a text message letting her know that she talked to Clarke and that she should call her back.

Lexa walks to the receptionist and asks him if she can find a drug store anywhere nearby. The young man shows her the way and tells her that she doesn't need to ride there, it is not that far.

Lexa thanks the receptionist and leaves, on her way to the drug store she meets two women walking hand in hand and one of them was pregnant. Her heart aches and she forgets completely about her headache.

Tears well in her eyes and she lets out a weak smile at the couple, it could be her and Clarke but not anymore. She lost the baby, their baby, hers and now she is losing Clarke too.

She doesn't know what to do, why she is resenting Clarke so much, she knows it is not her wife's fault but she cannot help blame her and rage at her. It seems that it is the only way for to feel less pain.

Seeing that Clarke is hurting too somehow twistedly makes her feel less alone despite knowing that Clarke loves her and she is with her in every step.

She gets into the drugstore and waits for her turn, she is not sober and healthy enough to look through the store shelves by herself.

"Good morning, how may I help you?" The woman smiles at her politely but Lexa doesn't notice her really, she is distracted by the throbbing in her head.

Lexa frowns at the aching in her head "Morning, I need something to stop my headache…it is killing me" Lexa barely manages to say.

"Hangover?" The woman asks knowingly.

Lexa nods "Yeah! A really big one" She adds.

"Well, it is common since you're here for the weekend, am I right?"

Lexa nods again "Please, my headache!" She reminds the woman talking to her.

Quickly the woman grabs a box of painkillers and gives it to Lexa who puts her credit card on the counter but the woman push it back to her "It's on me! Hope you'll get better"

This time, Lexa looks at the woman who is being nice with her and smiles at her "Thank you"

"Anytime" The woman winks at her and Lexa feels her cheeks reddening, the woman's blue eyes looks so similar to Clarke's.

Lexa smiles back at her again, not sure if it is for her or because her eyes reminds her of Clarke. She takes her credit card back in her pocket and walks out of the drugstore confused.

 ** _Hollywood; The CAC;_**

 ** _Clarke's office;_**

Clarke walks into her office without greeting any of her colleagues not even Jasper and Monty. As per usual she hears Monty give her some information about today's meetings, with her sunglasses on to hide her puffy red eyes.

She waits for him to leave to take them off, Monty politely asks her if she needs anything else but she doesn't even answer just gives him a wave with her hand.

Clarke spent a restless night between crying, thinking and crying again she doesn't have the energy to work nor to be here but she doesn't have the choice especially that it is four days away from the opening.

She doesn't even bother to look at her schedule she starts typing a quick email for Monty asking him to cancel her meeting with Niylah if there is any. In addition, she asks him to bring her a coffee.

Clarke needs to get her work done and stop letting Niylah mess around with her focus and toying with her life. She doesn't blame her but she thinks that Niylah is just making things complicated, worse and messy for her.

So she must avoid her unless necessary, she knows that her work is done and she might leave today or tomorrow as everything is settled. She makes a note to send the Finance manager to deal with her payments and asks him to keep her out of it.

She completely forgets about Lexa and what happened yesterday night with Luna and Niylah, wholly drowned in her work and meetings.

The day goes almost perfectly calm until Clarke goes back home and finds it empty. Her heart aches remembering the mess her life turned out to be lately. She takes her phone and tries to call Lexa but in vain.

She refrains from leaving her a voice mail and calls Octavia instead "Hey!" She lets out tiredly.

"Hey, Clarke!" Octavia says back hesitantly.

"How is it going?" Clarke asks.

"Emmm…good! We're having fun!" Octavia replies and Clarke could hear that Octavia is in a quiet place.

"Is Lexa with you?" Clarke asks "I can't reach her" She explains.

"I…Ehhh, Lexa is….well she is not with me but she is fine" Octavia reassures Clarke.

"Ok!" Clarke replies doubtfully "Is everything alright, O?" She asks concerned.

"Yeah! I gotta go, Clarke! I'll let Lexa know that you called" Octavia replies before hanging up.

Clarke looks at her phone to see if Octavia just hanged up on her, it is confusing Octavia has never done it before, not to her anyway.

 **Palm Springs; At the hotel;**

 **Dana and Octavia's suite;**

"Come in" Octavia waves to Raven who smiles nervously and follows her.

Octavia starts by turning off her phone, she doesn't want to be interrupted again not by Clarke, nor anyone else. She needs to talk to Raven and if she keeps caught in Clarke and Lexa's drama, she won't be able to take care of her own drama.

"Do you want something to drink?" Octavia suggests but Raven shakes her head.

"Drinks are what caused this awkward situation, the smartest thing to do it to be sober….at least for this, for us" Raven says.

Octavia doesn't miss the ' _us_ ' part, it makes her heartbeat faster she smiles at Raven and says "Yeah! That's why I don't drink" She smiles at Raven genuinely then adds "You should turn off your phone"

"I left it in my room, Clarke won't call me…she thinks I slept with Lexa so…" Raven replies.

"Ok!" Octavia sighs "Nothing happened…I know you probably freaked out waking up naked but...nothing happened"

Raven seems to relax but not totally she knows she must have done something stupid to the look Octavia gave her when they met in the lobby.

"Thanks" Raven says shyly not daring to look into Octavia's eyes "Why was I naked then?" She blurs out because she is afraid that she scared her old best friend away by being so gay for her.

"Because you took off your clothes" Octavia says without meeting Raven's eyes.

Raven raises her eyebrows "Why did I take my clothes off?" She asks again seeing that Octavia is not telling everything.

"Uh…we.." Octavia stutters and finds it difficult to tell Raven what happened.

"O!" Raven warns her friend "What did we do?"

"I told you…nothing happened" Octavia says defensively "I am not what you think I am…I don't take advantage of a drunken friend"

"I…I didn't say that, O" Raven huffs, she is tired of always fighting with her "I just want to know what happened and how I ended up waking up naked in your bed cuddling you"

Octavia looks into her friend's eyes "Don't worry, I didn't let things go the wrong way. You kissed me and we made out a little bit but you wanted more, you stripped off but when I saw that you really was drunk I stopped you" Octavia says in one breath.

Raven's draw drops, and she feels her blood run to her cheeks "I'm sorry" Is all she can muster to say. She doesn't want to keep pushing Octavia into being out just because she wants her.

"I overstepped, I'm sorry O. I really am" Raven tries to apologize but Octavia interrupts shaking her head "It's ok Raven I should be the one apologizing you clearly were drunk"

Raven takes a deep breath and feels like suffocating, it doesn't help she looks into Octavia's eyes and turns around and walks towards the door to leave.

"Wait!" Octavia stops her.

Raven looks back at her silently waiting for her to say anything else, Octavia walks closer to her before adding "Don't go" Raven looks surprised because why in the world would Octavia want her to stay?

They both are clearly embarrassed and uncomfortable after what might or might not have happened yesterday between them.

Octavia understands Raven's look and says "I thought we agreed on not running away and talking things out"

Raven nods "I just…don't know how O…not anymore" She confesses.

"I don't know either" Octavia shakes her head "We should learn how together" She adds bringing a smile on Raven's face.

"So I'm staying" Raven says.

"Yeah" Octavia confirms.

"Where do we start?" Raven asks.

Octavia thinks for a moment then looks at her friend "Are you really sorry for…what happened yesterday?" And Raven nods feeling ashamed of her behavior.

Octavia shakes her head "I'm not" She dares to say "I just…wish you weren't drunk"

Raven's eyes bulge, to say she is surprised is an understatement, she was shocked she wasn't expecting to hear this from Octavia but then when she sees that Octavia was not uncomfortable and one hundred percent sure of her words she feels like maybe she was interpreting something else.

"Are you sure…I mean why?" Raven stutters a little bit confused.

"Because I would have liked that you remember the things we talked about so I don't have to do it over again" Octavia replies shyly.

Raven's heart is about to explode "What did we talk about O?"

"Us" Octavia lets out shyly making Raven frown. She regrets being so stupid and drunk to not remember whatever happened yesterday.

She gulps and asks her friend "Tell me, please" She wants to know what the hell they talked about. She is aware of how she feels about Octavia even if she usually tries to ignore it because she knows Octavia doesn't feel the same way for her.

"Well you started it, I mean you said something and…" Octavia doesn't know how to tell her again.

She is not sure she is able to tell her everything she said because when she told her how she feels about her, she knew that Raven was drunk and she may forget everything.

"What did I say?" Raven urges her to continue.

"You said every time you see me you want to kiss me" Octavia says with a shy smile feeling her heart is going to explode.

"That's all?" Raven asks. It is something she could have said, she knows it but she wants to be sure that she didn't say much more, Octavia nods affirmatively.

"What did you say?" Raven asks again.

"I kissed you" Octavia replies boldly.

"Ok, and then what?" Raven tries to be calm and not jump into conclusions. She doesn't care about making out with Octavia now not even sleeping with her, what she cares about is scaring her away and letting her know how she really feels about her.

"Then…we…things got out of hand but you stopped it" Octavia says when she is interrupted by Raven "Why?"

"You said…that you have feelings for me and I kissed you again" Octavia says looking into Raven's eyes.

"What does it mean?" Raven asks.

Octavia bites on her lip then answers "It means that I wanted to kiss you" Octavia omits a detail.

"That's all?" Raven asks feeling like someone was stabbing her heart.

Octavia looks at her for a moment then averts her eyes, she doesn't want to lie to Raven but at the same time she is afraid what will result if she tells her the truth. She knows Raven won't accept to be with her, with a closet case.

"Yes" Octavia finally replies.

"Ok!" Raven nods "If that's all then I guess I should leave" She doesn't want to be around Octavia because she wants to cry, she feels like her heart is bleeding.

Octavia lets out a broken smile at Raven and shrugs "If you want to stay…you can"

Raven shakes her head "I don't think it is a good idea" She says honestly.

Octavia frowns confused "Are we ok?"

Raven doesn't know what to answer because she doesn't even know "I don't know! Are we?"

Octavia forces a convincing smile at Raven "Yeah, we're"

"Ok, then see you around" Raven says before leaving Octavia.

She walks back to her suite and knocks hoping that she will find Lexa in there and fortunately for her she does.

"Hey, you" Lexa says.

Raven gets into the suite silent she doesn't greet Lexa back instead she goes and starts packing.

"You're leaving too?" Lexa asks.

"Yeah, coming here was a bad idea" She answers.

"Hell, yes the worst idea ever" Lexa agrees.

"Why?" Raven stops what she was doing and looks at her best friend afraid that she might have learnt something about Clarke's cheating.

"I got the worst hangover ever, I got hit on by many women and realized that I am miserable and living a lie with Clarke and instead of staying and fixing things I keep running and now we are…broken? Things got worse because we didn't try to fix whatever happened to us at the beginning and now…now it feels like we're just together because we got used to it" She shrugs.

"Just that?" Raven asks.

"Yeah and I think I see Clarke everywhere...like whenever I see blue eyes I…it reminds me of her. I miss her, I miss us" Lexa adds making Raven's heart shatter.

"And why are you leaving?" Lexa asks curiously.

"Well, almost the same thing for you minus few details" Raven confesses.

"Octavia" Lexa says knowingly.

Raven nods "I just keep on making things worse whenever she is around, she kissed me but I was too drunk to remember anything of it and I think I told her how I feel about her she just doesn't want to make things worse"

Lexa's eyes bulge, she knew that Raven might have feelings for Octavia but Raven never admitted it before "Ow! And did you talk to her?"

"Yeah" Raven replies with a sad voice.

"It didn't go as you wanted to" Lexa continues having a feeling that her best friend doesn't want to say more. Raven nods and they both leave without letting Alice know as she was nowhere to be seen.

 **Back to Hollywood; At the CAC;**

 **The next morning;**

Clarke gets to her office in a better mood than the day before as she had at least few hours of sleep despite spending the majority of the night thinking about Lexa and Niylah.

The first thing Monty tells her about is that Niylah wants to see her for an urgent matter according to her. Maybe Clarke was able to avoid the woman the previous day but Niylah was not having it, concluding her payment with only the Finance manager was not going to keep her away from her. She wanted to talk to Clarke, to see why she is avoiding her and shutting her out.

Fair enough, Clarke almost kissed her back in the restaurant's terrace if they were not interrupted by Luna and keep on avoiding her only made things worse and proved the woman that Clarke really is into her and is afraid.

So instead of avoiding Niylah again like what she really wants to do, she asks Monty to inform her that she will see her now if she is available and of course as her work was done already, Niylah came right away.

"Morning" Niylah says approaching Clarke.

"Good morning, Niylah. Would you please take a seat" Clarke replies seriously gesturing for the chair in front of her. She doesn't want to let Niylah wander in her office freely because she knows Niylah will end up close to her.

Niylah does as asked and sits on the chair and looks at Clarke with a raised eyebrow as she starts talking about work right away.

"I didn't come because I didn't like my paycheck!" Niylah says firmly.

Clarke meets her eyes "Then why?" She asks boldly.

"We should talk somewhere else, not here! It's not work related" Niylah replies.

"I can't" Clarke's only reply is.

"Then have dinner with me" Niylah suggests thinking that Clarke refused because she has work to do.

"I can't" Clarke replies again.

"Why?" Niylah asks.

"I can't be with you" Clarke shakes her head.

Niylah looks at her knowingly and not so much surprised "Who said that I want us to be something…we can have something else than being together"

Clarke is taken by surprise but what Niylah's is suggesting, she stands up and starts pacing in her office then shakes her head and lets out defeated "I don't think it is going to work".

Niylah stands up and walks to her, Clarke takes a step back she doesn't want to be close to Niylah like the last time she doesn't want to tempt fate.

"I know a way" Niylah says while taking another step closer to Clarke.

"I…I'd be in so much trouble" Clarke blurs out hitting her back against her door's office.

Niylah smiles "I like trouble" She remarks with a smirk.

Just as Clarke was about to reply, she felt more than she heard a knock on the door she pushed abruptly Niylah away and opened it.

"Lexa!" Clarke blurs out in surprise.

Lexa smiles at Clarke, she missed her so much in more than a way even if she feels like she doesn't recognize her anymore. Clarke smiles back at her halfheartedly because hell she just was about to do a mistake.

Lexa ignores completely Niylah's presence and steps in, cups Clarke's face and kisses her wife passionately. When they part Lexa whispers "I missed you" and Clarke's heart melts.

"Lexa! This is Niylah…Niylah this is Lexa my wife" Clarke gestures between the two women.

Niylah smiles at Lexa and nods politely "Nice to meet you, Lexa. I've heard a lot about you"

Lexa smiles back at Niylah and shakes her hand "I'm sorry I can't say the same about you" Lexa replies honestly.

Niylah glances at Clarke then back to Lexa "That's ok, I'm just a co-worker" She winks at her and leaves.

Lexa looks at Clarke and smiles at her again "I missed you and I couldn't wait any longer…I think we should talk"

Clarke nods she knows that things are not great between them and the way Lexa left without even talking to her and ignoring her phone calls. She knows Lexa's kiss doesn't mean that she forgave her.

"Ok, just let me instruct Monty to cancel all my meetings for the day" Clarke says without thinking it through.

The ride home was silent, Lexa was nervous but not as much as Clarke. Both know that this talk is going to exhaust them emotionally and open up some old wounds.

Lexa sits on the couch of their living-room and taps on it asking Clarke to join her silently.

Clarke sits and looks into green eyes, she could see the pain still lingering in her eyes the same that Lexa had before she left for the weekend trip.

"How was the trip?" Clarke asks, she wasn't expecting her until later tonight.

"A mistake" Lexa simply replies and Clarke frowns confused.

"I got drunk, I got hit on by a lot of women" Lexa explains.

Clarke feels her heart tighten at Lexa's words, afraid that she might hear something she doesn't want to hear "I don't wanna know" She blurs out.

Lexa blinks, utterly confused then says "I didn't cheat on you if that's what you think"

Clarke sighs "I'm sorry…I thought-" She stutters and Lexa interrupts her "Just don't!"

Clarke nods looking away when she hears Lexa speak again "I am not happy, Clarke" Clarke gulps she knows nothing good is coming "Why?"

Lexa chuckles sarcastically "Are you seriously asking me why?"

Clarke looks back into green eyes and instantly regrets it because Lexa's eyes are now so harsh and looking angrily back at her. She doesn't know how to answer her so she keeps silent and it only makes Lexa angrier.

"We're not ok…nothing like we used to be Clarke! Aren't you aware? Are you seriously that blind and dumb? Do I even mean anything to you?" Lexa lets out furiously.

"Of course you mean to me, you're my wife" Clarke replies.

"Exactly" Lexa spits out with venom.

Clarke feels offended "What does that mean?"

"For you? Clearly nothing" Lexa deadpans.

Clarke lets out a deep sighs "I know, I'm not perfect Lexa but that's what couples go through…And you can't possibly put all the blame on me"

"Clarke, I know and this is the problem. I lost a baby, our baby and I can't look at you anymore without wanting you to be as miserable as I am and it is not healthy…hell it is completely wrong but it seems the only thing I do is make you feel worse because I don't know maybe deep down I blame you for putting me through this…I did this for you because I love you" Lexa says on verge of tears.

"I'm sorry" Clarke lets out feeling her heart aching at Lexa's watery eyes.

"I feel like you don't love me anymore" Lexa blurs out and tears starts flowing down her cheeks.

Clarke keeps silent, she can't react she feels guilty and doesn't know much what to reply and it only breaks Lexa's heart further.

"You don't look at me the way you used to do, I can't feel your love anymore, you don't want me, you don't fuck me…you don't make love to me anymore" Lexa cries out and Clarke knows that Lexa's words are true.

Clarke's own tears start to blur her vision and wet her cheeks she wants to reassure Lexa that they are going to be ok but she is not even sure of that either. She feels the pull towards Niylah and wants to kiss her and she almost did twice if not being interrupted. She feels helpless and guilty, she stands there speechless.

"I wanna leave…I need to think, I need a break from all of this…this drama" Lexa blurs out seeing that Clarke didn't correct her, any of her words.

Clarke wipes her tears then says "Don't, please" She doesn't know how to answer or take part in the conversation honestly without shattering everything they are but she knows one thing for sure, she loves Lexa maybe not the same way she used to do but she knows Lexa is her life, her true love and she won't be able to live without her.

Lexa shakes her head "I can't, we're nothing anymore Clarke. All we're doing is hurt each other. The longer we wait, the more we hurt one another and I don't….I don't wanna hurt you…I don't want to live like this anymore…I don't wanna ruin what we had…I don't want us to drift apart even more…I don't know you anymore"

Clarke cries harder at Lexa's words because she feels the same, she knows it is true but she doesn't want to accept it.

"Please don't leave me" She lets out between sobs.

Lexa shakes her head "I can't stay Clarke. We're broken…you don't even talk to me. Just look at us now" Lexa replies.

Clarke shakes her head "No" She says firmly and scoots closer to Lexa and hugs her tightly whispering " _I love you_ " over and over again "Don't…please don't leave me"

Lexa's heart pains, she feels tired and wants to surrender. Clarke's arms feels so safe and comforting around her but she knows there is so much more and a hug cannot simply repair their broken marriage.

"I'm sorry I can't" Lexa lets out painfully.

Clarke pulls back and looks into her eyes "I love you" She says she wants Lexa to see it in her eyes but Lexa closes her eyes. She doesn't want to look into blue eyes they always lure her and now is not the time to let herself there.

Clarke pushes her lips against Lexa's in a searing kiss trying to communicate the way she feels about her. Lexa sobs against her wife's lips she missed the way Clarke kissed her, she missed the way Clarke wanted her she missed them, their marriage she missed her life her happy life.

Clarke pulls back keeping her forehead against Lexa's and whispers "Give me another chance, give us another chance for better or worse remember?"


	11. Chapter 11

_Clarke pushes her lips against Lexa's in a searing kiss trying to communicate the way she feels about her. Lexa sobs against her wife's lips she missed the way Clarke kissed her, she missed the way Clarke wanted her she missed them, their marriage she missed her life her happy life._

 _Clarke pulls back keeping her forehead against Lexa's and whispers "Give me another chance, give us another chance for better or worse remember?"_

Lexa sighs and nods "In one condition"

"Anything" Clarke replies desperately.

"If it doesn't work, I'll leave Clarke it is clearly not-" Before Lexa can finish what she is saying Clarke smashes her lips against hers in a searing passionate kiss.

The kiss makes Lexa forget everything else, it feels nice to be kissed like that with fervor and passion. She missed it, she could feel Clarke's arousal but not her love.

Clarke's touches are needy in a different way, they feel void of emotions and foreign for Lexa which makes her a little bit uncomfortable.

She tries to push Clarke lightly putting her hand against Clarke's chest to pull away but Clarke won't let go of her. She even starts to guide her mouth down Lexa's body.

Clarke is putting everything in her power to show Lexa her wife how bad she wants her at the same time she is trying to thank her for giving their marriage, their relationship another chance but then she hears Lexa protesting "Clarke, please stop!"

Clarke panics, she pulls away from Lexa's body and looks up at her green eyes "Is everything ok babe?"

Lexa shakes her head "I…I'm a little bit tired" She smiles nervously at her and Clarke could tell there is more to it than just Lexa being tired.

"I just missed you, missed being intimate with you" Clarke confesses making Lexa feel guilty.

"I'm sorry"

"It's ok" Clarke reassures her wife.

"Want to cuddle? – You should go back to work" Both Clarke and Lexa say in unison and Clarke frowns "Are you sure? We just…I mean I'm not going to leave my wife to go back to work"

"It's ok Clarke, you can go I know how important it is for you and that it's a few days before the big day" Lexa replies with a smile. She wants to be alone but Clarke is afraid to leave, she doesn't want to do the same mistakes again.

"Are you sure? I can stay, nothing is more important than you…than our marriage not even my career" Clarke looks into green eyes.

"I'm good, you can go" Lexa replies because she doesn't know what else to say. She doesn't know why she feels awkward when being with Clarke. It is not the same anymore, she doesn't blame Clarke because she is clearly trying. She knows something is wrong with her too but she can't bring herself figure it out.

"Ok" Clarke simply replies before giving Lexa a sweet kiss on her cheek and leaving.

 **Palm Springs Hotel,**

Dana wakes up and stirs, she spent a restless night with Tonya. That woman has a really good stamina and it bordered the line of a sex addict.

She is not complaining, she liked the sex as she didn't have much lately and she needed to release some tension she had but she was weirded about how shameless and easily Tonya was.

So now Dana is trying to get out of the bed without making much noise to avoid falling back in bed with that crazy woman.

However, it seems like Tonya is a light sleeper "Morning" Dana hears Tonya's morning raspy voice.

"Morning" She smiles nervously at the woman who is eyeing her lustfully while she is gathering her clothes scattered on the floor.

"Leaving already?"

"Yeah, I need to get out of this room" Dana chuckles nervously.

"But first let me order breakfast"

"I…uh, actually I want to have it with my friends…you know, the ones that came with me" Dana explains and Tonya pouts replying "Ok, give me five minutes and I'm ready to go"

Dana smiles at her nervously she feels like she is suffocating, she wants to be everywhere but with Tonya right now and the woman doesn't get it.

In one of the hotel's room, Alice wakes up hangover and it got worse when finds herself naked and a man at her side. Her eyes widen, she doesn't even remember who the naked man is. She looks for his wallet to check his ID but she finds nothing.

She tries to shake him up a little bit but the man is clearly not willing to wake up he growls at her and goes back to sleep.

The thing is that Alice doesn't take the pill anymore because she hadn't been with a man for a long time and she doesn't remember if they used a condom or not. Obviously not, as she already looked everywhere in the room for any evidence but to no avail.

Raven gets a call from Octavia, she stares at her phone for few seconds debating whether she should pick up or not. Then she decides to do it because she knows it will only make things worse if she keeps avoiding her and acting weird.

"I called to see if you're free to hang out" Octavia says shyly.

"I…well I'm back home. I left"

"Oh, ok. Then maybe when I'm back?" Octavia insists

"I'm not sure it's a good idea, O" Raven replies after a long moment of silence.

"Please, Rey!" Raven hears Octavia begging her in the way she never could resist her. However, this time Raven says nothing and keeps silent again.

"Rey" Raven hears Octavia's hesitant voice.

"I should hang up" Raven says before hanging up not waiting to hear Octavia. She doesn't want to be used by Octavia because she knows first relationships of a lesbians in a closet always end up being experimental ones. Lexa looks at her phone sadly and whispers a ' _sorry'_.

 **Palm Springs;**

Alice goes back to her hotel suite but finds no one, she studies her surroundings and understands that they must have moved to another room or maybe they just left. The first thing she does is calling Raven but the brunette won't answer. So she decides to try her luck with Lexa.

"Finally" Alice lets out when Lexa picks up.

"Hey" Lexa chuckles.

"Where are you? I just came to the room but it seems that neither Raven nor you are here!" Alice asks curiously.

"Well, we left. We're back home" Lexa replies.

"Oh! Is everything alright?" Alice can feel Lexa's voice a little bit off.

"I'm fine" Lexa cuts short.

"Ok, I'll see you when I'm back" Alice adds before hanging up.

Just as Alice hangs up with Lexa, she hear a knock on the door of her hotel suite. She straightens her hair and clothes hoping that it is the man she slept with and that somehow she told him her name and where she's staying.

Unfortunately, when Alice opens the door she finds Dana.

"Dana?" She frowns.

"Hey" Dana waves nervously at her "Is Octavia here?"

"Euh..no? She's not! Why would she be here?" Alice asks confused.

"I just thought that maybe she spent the night here with you guys..I mean with Raven" Dana rectifies prompting Alice's interest.

Dana instantly regrets seeing the face Alice is making.

"No, Raven and Lexa left already" Alice smiles.

Dana quickly leaves not wanting to give Alice the time to question her about Raven and Octavia. She takes her phone and calls Octavia.

"Hey, where the hell are you?" Dana asks the second Octavia picks up.

"I…emm…having a drink, why?" Octavia stutters.

"A drink?" Dana lets out surprised "I thought you don't drink? And it is barely…Ok where are you?" Dana asks worried.

"By the swimming pool" Dana hears Octavia.

"I'm coming"

Minutes later, Dana finally spots Octavia by the swimming pool, the first thing she does it take her drink away and helps her standing up "Let's go to our room"

"Our room? You didn't spend the night there" Octavia comments tipsily.

"I know, I'll tell you about it later" Dana replies, she knows Octavia needs her now.

"I spent the night with Raven" Octavia blurs out as they get in the elevator.

Dana knows that things didn't go as Octavia wished otherwise Raven wouldn't have left and she wouldn't be dragging Octavia back to their suite away from alcohol.

After they get in and Dana helps Octavia out of her clothes and back in new ones, Octavia tells her about everything that happened with Raven since they have been kids to the last hour she talked to her on the phone and just hang up on her saying that they shouldn't hang out together.

"What should I do, Dana? I want her" Octavia pouts.

Dana smiles "You're asking the wrong girl, I've no game at all. I don't know just…tell her how you feel…for real and see what happens"

Octavia is silent for a moment then looks at Dana "I will do that" She gives her friend a firm nod.

 **Clarke's house;**

Clarke gets home earlier than usual, she has something in mind. She wants to spend a romantic evening with Lexa and pamper her. Clarke left Lexa take a nap before leaving back to work so by now she won't be tired that's what Clarke hopes.

"Lexa!" Clarke calls out as soon as she gets in looking for her wife wanting to see her and spend some time with her but Lexa is not answering. Clarke looks for her around the house but doesn't find her then she checks by the swimming pool and finds her there earphones on and eyes closed.

Clarke tries to not startle Lexa and caresses her arm softly to get her attention. Lexa opens her eyes and finds Clarke smiling at her.

"Hey, I'm sorry I didn't hear you coming" Lexa says taking off her earphones.

"That's ok" Clarke replies before pecking her wife's lips "I'm gonna make dinner for us" Clarke smiles at Lexa she wants to pamper her tonight and have a romantic dinner as they used to have she made sure to buy Lexa's favorite scented candles and few things that may help them later that night.

"Don't!" Lexa hastily says "Raven invited me for dinner she needs someone to talk to so…I am not going to be around for dinner" Lexa says not meeting her wife's eyes.

Clarke's heart breaks she knows Lexa is lying and avoiding her and she is again using Raven. Clarke can't help feeling jealous even if she knows she shouldn't because Raven is only Lexa's friend. Well, her best friend lately and maybe Lexa is the one who needs to talk to someone, someone else than her wife. So instead of insisting she just forces a fake smile at her and leaves.

In fact, Lexa is not invited by Raven she just made up an excuse to not be alone with Clarke again who is trying to act as if nothing happened, as if they did not lose a baby. So Lexa takes her phones and texts Raven.

 _ **Lexa: I just used you as an excuse and now I'm going out.**_

 _ **FYI: I'm supposed to have dinner with you tonight!**_

 **The next morning;**

When Clarke wakes up she is surprised to find Lexa's side of the bed empty, Lexa usually wakes up later. Clarke goes to the bathroom and showers then when she gets back to the kitchen she finds Lexa all dressed up waiting for her.

"Morning" Lexa says looking at Clarke.

"Good morning" Clarke replies feeling a sting in her heart, Lexa's voice is cold.

"I made you coffee but if you want you can joins us at the Grounders. Everyone will be there" Lexa says looking everywhere but at her wife.

Clarke clears her throat before answering "Thank you, I'll need it I have a long day ahead of me. Say hi to the girls on my behalf"

"I will" Lexa replies before leaving Clarke sipping her coffee alone in their kitchen.

Raven is more than happy to find Luna and Alice already sitting at their table, at least she won't have to deal with Octavia.

She joins her friends as promised and waits impatiently for Lexa to arrive because all Alice is talking about is the amazing sex she had during the weekend or something like that.

Raven is not focused on what the two cousins are saying. She is rather throwing glances at the café counter where Octavia is working behind and from time to time she meets her eyes but Raven is quick enough to look away not meeting her ex best friend's eyes for mlre than a second.

"God! It's going to be the hardest weeks in my life" Alice lets out anxious.

"Did you have an E.H.C?" Luna asks her cousin.

"Of course, I did. What do you think I'm that stupid?" Alice replies with a frown feeling offended.

"Well you did sleep with a stranger without using protection so yeah-"

"I was drunk" Alice interrupts defending herself.

"Thank god Tonya doesn't have a dick" Dana sighs bringing the attention to her for a second.

"Drunk or not you might be pregnant" Luna looks back at her cousin then Raven elbows her and throws her a threatening look "Lexa is coming! No baby talk or pregnancy topic"

Luna looks at Raven then at Alice "Alright! Mouth sealed" She promises.

"What did you do again All?" Lexa asks teasing her friend.

Alice smiles nervously at Lexa before saying "Nothing important" She waves it away looking at Octavia behind the café counter "I'm going to bring another coffee"

"Well good morning ladies" Lexa says confused at Alice's behavior.

"Morning Lexa" Raven and Dana replies in unison.

"Good to see you again" Luna says standing up to take Lexa in a hug "I missed you"

Raven eyes Luna behind Lexa's back hoping that she won't say anything stupid about Clarke and what happened while they were in Palm Springs.

Luna gives her friend a reassuring look, she might be angry at Clarke but she is not going to break her friend's marriage. In addition, she promised to keep her mouth shut if Clarke fixes it and she has just enough trust left to give her the benefice of the doubt.

Lexa sits with her friends with a heavy heart and the silence is awkward. Dana feels out of place so she breaks the silence "I have a girlfriend now!"

Both Raven and Luna raise their eyebrows at her and Lexa smiles weakly "Congratulations Dana"

"Why are you congratulating her?" Luna frowns.

"Well, Dana is in the closet and if she has a girlfriend now it means she is about to make her coming out to the public, right?"

Dana smiles nervously while Raven is staring daggers at her thinking that she is talking about Octavia.

"Yeah, I came out in the panel...it was..emmm...crazy! Liberating but crazy"

"Who is the lucky girl?" Luna asks.

"Tonya, of course" Dana replies shyly and Raven is confused she thought Tonya was just a one night stand.

"Ah! Tonya!" Lexa exclaims and Dana nods "I know she can be a little bit too much but she is amazing"

Raven is suddenly relieved hearing that Tonya is Dana's new girlfriend and not Octavia. She turns around when she sees Alice is walking back to their table with Octavia at her side.

She quickly pushes her chair back and stands up to leave "I'll be right back"

Raven walks barely avoiding to touch Octavia's shoulder on her way but she doesn't look at her. Octavia does, she does look into Raven's eyes trying to meet them but the older brunette walks away and Octavia knows she left because of her so she gulps the knot in the back of her throat and forces a smile to her friend Lexa "Hi Lexa"

"Hi Octavia" Lexa smiles back at her friend knowing that Octavia's smile is a fake one.

Barely a minute later, Octavia excuses herself and leaves. She wants to talk to Raven face to face. She wants to know why she is avoiding her and she wants to know why she coldly refused to hang out with her.

Octavia storms into the bathrooms and finds Raven standing at the sink looking at herself on the mirror. Raven sighs when she sees that it is Octavia who followed her into the bathroom.

First, Octavia starts by checking if there is anyone in the bathroom with them before walking back to the door and locking it. Then she looks back at Raven and breaks the silence "Look at me Rey!"

Raven shuts her eyes instead, she is tired and not ready to talk to her yet. She doesn't even know what to say or how to act around her anymore.

"I said look at me not close your eyes" Raven hears Octavia's voice getting firmer.

Raven splashes some water at her face before opening her eyes again and looking at Octavia from the mirror.

"Wow! You don't even want to look at me properly? What the fuck did I do to deserve this?" Octavia gestures at Raven but the brunette keeps silent.

"I really don't understand why you're avoiding me!" Octavia lets out hurt, Raven feels her heart aching at Octavia's tone.

A heavy silence settles between the two ex best friends. Raven is looking blankly at Octavia from the mirror not daring to meet her eyes without anything between them and Octavia is standing still behind Raven looking painfully at the woman she loves.

After a long moment Octavia adds "Do I mean that little to you? Do I even mean something to you anymore?"

Raven doesn't know what to respond. She is speechless. She feels trapped between having Octavia loving her and then getting her heart break because she might be just her first time, her experimental girlfriend helping her with transitioning into the new world and being only Octavia's friend and lose her for good.

Octavia lets out a sob not being able to contain her tears anymore. This is not what she was expecting to get before coming here after Raven.

When Raven sees Octavia's tears her heart aches and she can't stop herself from turning back and saying "Don't cry…please!"

Octavia wipes her tears and walks out of the bathroom. It takes Raven a few seconds to react and running after her.

"O please wait" Raven says to Octavia who has a hand on the doorknob of her office.

Octavia freezes before looking back at Raven. Raven can see the pain in her eyes and feels a tug in her heart a painful and guilty one "Please!" She tries again when Octavia opens the door and gets into her office leaving the door open behind her for Raven to get in.

Raven smiles happy that Octavia gave her a chance to apologize and maybe talk to her. Raven gets in and closes the door behind her looking at Octavia who is now sitting in her desk wiping her tears trying to recollect herself.

"I'm sorry!" Raven lets out softly "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you…and yes you mean to me…a lot actually and that's why I…that's why I can't just be your experiment" Raven shakes her head her own eyes start to well up in tears.

"I want more…I love you, O I really do…" Raven chuckles nervously not believing what she is saying "I love you not like we were teenagers but more…I love you and I want us to be something more than just-" Raven sighs before resuming "I wanna be more than your first experiment I wanna be more than the woman who opens your eyes to the new exciting things. I want to be your forever…why not!"

Octavia is about to speak when Raven raises her hand to stop her "I know that you'd never break my heart but I don't wanna lose my best friend I want her back. I don't want to lose my best friend again after we break up…that's it. That's why I don't want to hang out with you because I know I'll just fall harder in love with you then you'll leave me when you find the right person for you, the right woman, when you find real love"

Octavia is looking at her in disbelief, she was not expecting Raven to pour her heart and sentiment like that. In fact, she never did not even when they were teenagers. Even if Raven is clearly telling her that they can't be together, she can't help feeling relieved that she doesn't hate her. Raven loves her and she wants more but she doesn't want to lose her which means she genuinely loves her. Octavia somehow manages to keep in her mind only the positive things Raven is telling her instead of lingering on the negative ones.

Of course she wants to tell her that she is more than a first experience to her, she will never be able to break her heart because she has been in love with her since they were teenagers and that much Raven deep down knows it.

"I love you too" Octavia replies just as Raven is about to leave. Raven stops head down not facing Octavia and feeling too exhausted and ashamed to walk on her best friend the woman she loves and who loves her back.

"I'm sorry" She blurs out defeated "I can't do this…maybe one day we'll be able to be with one another without compromising our friendship"

"Raven, Please!" Octavia says and Raven shakes her head "I don't wanna lose you"

"You won't…I won't break your heart! I love you, I've always been in love with you...please stop running away from us" Octavia says while walking closer to Raven.

"You don't know that" Raven replies hastily.

"Exactly, Rey…we don't…who says that I will be the one to break your heart? Why not the other way around…after all you did, you broke my heart once when you left and here I am today again trusting you, willing to try again to give you my heart" Octavia grabs Raven's elbow to turn her so she can look at her. Raven turns but doesn't meet Octavia's eyes.

"Please" Octavia tries again "I am willing to try because I know it is going to be different"

"Different? How?" Raven asks skeptically.

"Different because I know that you love me and I love you…different because we're not teenagers anymore and different because I know what I want now" Octavia explains.

"I am not sure about that" Raven comments looking up into Octavia's eyes "what do you want O?"

Octavia looks at Raven for a moment before answering "I want you". It doesn't surprise Raven she barely reacts "I doubt that"

Octavia frowns "Why are you doing this?"

Raven sighs she doesn't want to say what she really thinks because she might hurt Octavia's feelings "I just know how this is…I've been there O! The first time it is entertaining exciting passionate but quickly you get bored and want to experience more with another girl…that's how it is and I don't want to be that girl for you"

"So you're saying that you want to be with me but not now…not as my first?" Octavia asks feeling anger boiling inside of her "So you're telling me to go fuck some random girl before going back and ask you out? Is that what you're saying because this is how it sounds"

Raven pinches the bridge of her nose and shakes her head "It's not like that…"

"Then what?"

Raven looks into her best friend's eyes for a moment. She doesn't know what to answer to that because Octavia is right, this is what she just told her and this is what she thinks. Raven nods before looking away turning her back once again to Octavia and leaving. Just as she is about to close the door behind her she hears Octavia telling her 'Fuck you'

Raven doesn't go back to the table with her friends she leaves right away and Lexa doesn't miss it. Raven knows she just hurt Octavia's feelings but she couldn't help herself. She was afraid, afraid to finally be with Octavia while she is not ready.

When she thinks about Octavia she imagines their future together filled with love and laughs of many kids around them and if she ever surrender to her lust and desire to have Octavia now, she knows she will lose her for someone else that may be part of her dream.

 **At the CAC; Clarke's office;**

Clarke is pacing in her office revisiting the last details with Monty when Niylah shows up knocking lightly at the door's frame.

"Hey there" Both Clarke and Monty looks at the direction of the door surprised that it is Niylah. Her work was done and she shouldn't be around today. Monty raises his eyebrow at the sight of Niylah looking hungrily and shamelessly at Clarke in front of him.

"Hi" Clarke replies with a smile on her face. Niylah takes Clarke's smile for an encouragement and walks in flashing a brief smile at Monty before leaning in and placing a chaste kiss on Clarke's cheek.

Clarke blushes, she knows she shouldn't but she can't control her body. She can't control Niylah neither and she can't help her lips curving in a smile nor her heart thudding in her chest.

She looks at Monty who nods silently and walks away leaving them alone but without closing the door behind him whereas he usually does. Clarke walks to the door and closes it then looks back at Niylah "To what I owe this surprise visit?"

Niylah sits on the sofa and smirks at her "Well why don't you come and join me" She taps her hand on the sofa next to her and Clarke chuckles shyly "I don't think it is a good idea, Niylah"

Clarke walks to her desk and leans on it crossing her arms over her chest and looks at her friend silently. Her friend, this is what Niylah became because who was she kidding? Niylah is more than just a co-worker. Niylah became in a short period of time the reason Clarke found back the pleasure to wake up the morning and go to work. Of course she loves her work but Niylah became like the cherry on the cake.

"Well, I just came to talk but it seems like you're avoiding me so…emmm…I hope we'll see each other again".

Clarke again smiles at Niylah not knowing what to say, she wants to see her again but she is not sure that it is a good idea because she makes her feel things. Things, she shouldn't feeling if she really wants to save her marriage and relationship with Lexa.

Clarke sighs feeling trapped "I hope so" She lets out almost in a whisper.

"Alright" Niylah stands up and walks to the door "I guess this is it…I'll see you tonight at the opening"

"Oh, you're coming?" Clarke blurs out.

"Yeah, I wouldn't miss that. It's your big day" Niylah winks at her again before leaving. Clarke bites her lips when Monty gets in.

"Clarke!" Monty tries to have her attention.

"I…I'm sorry Monty" Clarke replies startled.

"Clarke can I talk to you honestly? I mean not as your assistant but as a friend?" Monty politely asks Clarke who frowns "Of course, go ahead" She flashes him a big smile before sitting on her chair.

"Well, I seriously think that you should avoid Niylah because she clearly wants something more from you, more than you can give her being married"

"What are you talking about?" Clarke acts like she doesn't know what Monty is talking about that her friendship with Niylah is innocent.

"I just don't want you to mess up…you may be my boss but throughout the years we've been working together I feel more like your friend so that's why I allow myself to go there and warn you to keep it in your pants at least for Lexa's sake"

Clarke looks shocked at Monty, he never talked to her this way and not only he is almost scolding her but he is stating the truth. Niylah wants more and she knows it she just doesn't want to admit it yet to not have to let her go.

"Thank you Monty for you honesty and advice but don't worry I'm not going to let Niylah ruin my marriage and…one last thing I'm keeping it in my pants" Clarke replies ' _More than you think'_ She wants to add but refrains. Monty doesn't need to know that she didn't get laid for that long.

"I hope so" Monty comments before leaving Clarke alone with her thoughts.

Clarke can't help feeling happy after Niylah told her that she won't miss the opening night. That she will be there, Clarke wonders what Niylah is going to wear. She can't think of anything sexier than what Niylah already wore. She is always dressed nice and sexy.

Clarke spends a good hour thinking about Niylah and trying to figure out why she can't get the woman out of her head 'Am I falling out of love? _Am I falling in love_ _with_ _Niylah? Because this is how it felt when I met Lexa. When I kissed Lexa I knew instantly that she is the one..what if when I kiss Niylah I'd feel the same? Would kissing Niylah give me an answer to that? Will kissing Niylah feel the same as when I first kissed Lexa?'_

 **Raven's apartment;**

Later that day, Lexa went to Raven's apartment to check on her. She had received a text from Clarke few minutes earlier telling her that she is home and is going to shower and get ready and asked her about her whereabouts, Lexa simply told her that she will be home in an hour or so. She needed to see Raven, she saw her walking out Octavia's office and leaving without even saying goodbye she knows something must wrong. She knows Raven might need her so she just drop by unannounced.

"Hey" Raven smiles at her best friend the second she sees her after opening the door.

"Hey" Lexa says back giving Raven a friendly hug "I hope I'm not interrupting anything'

"No, you're not" Raven reassures her while walking back to her living room.

"So are we gonna talk about it or not?"

"About what?"

"About you leaving Octavia's office in tears and not even saying good bye?"

Raven sighs "Do we really have to talk about it?"

Lexa shrugs "I don't know…I'm here in case you want to"

"What about using me as an excuse to avoid your wife?" Raven asks back.

"Well…it is not new really! I've been doing it for the past few weeks now" Lexa explains "she just…I feel like she doesn't understand me anymore she doesn't love me anymore…that's how I feel"

Raven feels her heart ache for her best friend "Did you talk to her?" Lexa nods.

"And what did she say?" Raven again. She wants to know if Clarke came clean.

"I gave her a chance…I don't know why but I couldn't not to…she was crying" Lexa looks blankly at the distance "I just hope things are going to get better even if deep down I feel like it's over"

"Don't give up so easily, Lexa" Raven takes two beers and hands one for Lexa.

"I know I shouldn't but-" Lexa shakes her head "what if she doesn't love me anymore…what if I don't love her anymore? Am I going to keep her from finding her happiness away?"

Raven gulps at Lexa's words and thoughts. Lexa already feels like Clarke is not happy anymore, she wonders if Lexa knows if she is unfaithful to her. She wonders if Clarke told Lexa that she has a crush or whatever on her co-worker.

Lexa huffs then forces a smile on her face "Let's not talk about me and my fucked up marriage. Let's talk about you and Octavia"

"Well, your marriage is not the only one fucked up. I mean I am too. I told Octavia that I'm in love with her but I don't want to be her first that I might want her but later…that she might go around then go back so we can try"

"What did you say?" Lexa lets out in disbelief.

"Yeah, I didn't phrase it like that but…it sounded like that" Raven grimaces.

"But! You weren't even drunk! What the hell was in your mind?"

"I don't know! I freaked out…she makes me do stupid things….love make me do and say stupid things" Raven takes a gulp from her beer before adding "I don't think I'd go back to the grounders ever again"

"Don't be dramatic" Lexa comments.

"Believe me it's that bad I'm not being dramatic" Raven replies.

"Ok, will I see you tonight?"

"Of course you will" Raven reassures her best friend.

"Good, I've to go back home to get ready" Lexa says putting the beer on the coffee table before leaving.

Lexa drives back home thinking about what she confessed to Raven. She might have thought and felt it but she never told anyone about her feelings concerning her marriage with Clarke.

She was a little bit shook by her own words. How did she easily admit that she thinks Clarke doesn't love her anymore and that she may let her go because she can find someone else to love.

When Lexa gets home she doesn't find Clarke anywhere and she could hear the shower on. She rushes in there in panic because it has been almost an hour and Clarke should be done showering. She finds Clarke curled into herself sitting in the corner of the shower while the water is running cold on her body. Clarke is shivering and Lexa could see the stain of her mascara and her eyes reddish. Clearly she had been crying.

Lexa feels her heart ache and quickly takes a towel and turns off the water and kneels down to help Clarke up then she covers her with the towel and Clarke leans in stealing a kiss from her wife. Feeling like she might need it to reassure her, Lexa kisses her back and wraps her arms around her rubbing her now covered back soothingly.

Clarke sobs and Lexa pulls back an arm still around the waist of her wife and cups Clarke's cheek trying to get her attention "You're exhausted?"

Clarke sniffs before nodding "I'm exhausted…I'm exhausted"

Lexa takes a deep breath and tries to give Clarke the most confident answer that may help her "I know you're exhausted but you just need to get through today and tonight and then you can crash. You deserve to just fall apart after all the hard work…ok?"

Clarke nods "I might"

"Well if you do, I'll take care of you" Lexa says and Clarke sobs again feeling guilty and not worthy of her wife.

Lexa wraps her other arm around her and hugs her tightly "You're going to be ok"

"Lexa!" Clarke lets out tired and Lexa tilts her head back to look into her wife's eyes.

"I really-" Clarke clears her throat before adding "I really want us to try again to have a baby…I want- I need us to start a family"

Lexa is taken aback by Clarke's words for a moment then she smiles at her and nods "Maybe in a couple of months, alright?"

Clarke smiles happily at her and nods, this is more than she was expecting. She wants to start a family with Lexa because she knows she is the love of her life despite the weird feelings she is having. She wants to start a family with Lexa hoping that it might bring back the passion and joy in their couple, in their life together after all the period while they were trying to have a baby, they were happy or so she thinks.

"I just need a little time and we'll do it again…now come on' let's get you out of here" Lexa says pulling Clarke with her.

 **The opening night at the CAC;**

Barely an hour later, both Clarke and Lexa are dressed and ready to go. Clarke looks at her wife with a bright smile feeling hopeful, excited and ready as never thanks to Lexa who managed to put her back on her feet.

"You look amazing" She comments eyeing Lexa.

Lexa blushes and smiles back at her "Thanks, you look exquisite too".

Clarke leans for a chaste kiss before heading to the door "We're taking my car, is that ok with you?"

"Yeah" Lexa nods happily feeling a little bit better than earlier when she talked to Raven. Maybe if she tries again and maybe if they start a family everything will fall back into place. At least that's what she hopes.

Few minutes later, Clarke takes Lexa's hand in hers and walks proudly to CAC where a line of reporters and journalists are already waiting for her and taking photographs of the VIPs present tonight.

One of the reporters approaches Clarke and asks her about the provocation's exhibition. She takes the time to answer few questions before getting in the CAC.

The night goes perfectly well at first, Lexa feels more and more confident about her and Clarke as her wife kept squeezing her hand from time to time to get her attention and peck her lips.

Lexa also feels loved again whenever Clarke would look at her with sparkly eyes while introducing her to some of the artists as her wife. Even if she knows it is part of the show and that she is used to it. Used to be the trophy wife looking all good and smiling to the cameras, Lexa couldn't help feeling a little bit enthusiastic thinking that maybe this is what was missing. Maybe Clarke needs some changes and happy events to make her feel happy.

But then, when Niylah showed up wearing a smoking hot red dress Lexa felt a shift in Clarke's mood. She released her hand and walked to her and Lexa was forced to follow her.

Lexa didn't miss the way Niylah's hand lingers on Clarke's waist and the way she is smiling at her. She feels something familiar tugging at her heart, something she hasn't felt for a while now, jealousy.

So to make things clear Lexa wraps her arm around Clarke and kisses her temple before looking at Niylah again "Oh! I wasn't aware that you were invited"

Niylah forces a fake smile before replying "Well, Clarke was nice enough to invite me"

"Of course, I wanted you to see our work" Clarke replies and Lexa wants to punch her in the face.

"Yeah, let's say we work pretty well together, don't we?" Niylah flirts and Clarke feels her heart about to explode. This is not happening.

"Well, I'm glad you made it. I've to go Marcus is gesturing weirdly at me it might be an emergency" Clarke leaves Lexa standing with Niylah. Lexa gives Niylah a threatening look before leaving too.

Lexa sees Raven getting in and walks directly to her then they find the rest of their group. Dana came with Tonya who was clinging to her the whole night and wouldn't give her at least five minutes to breathe.

Raven sticks with Lexa and Luna avoiding Octavia who was standing with her brother and Alice but then she gets angry when she sees one of the artists flirting with her while her brother is too busy checking out other girls. So instead of looking at them she decides to take a walk outside.

Lune soon follows her outside and she takes out a cigarette offering it to her friend knowing that if she got outside she might need one.

"Thanks" Raven smiles, takes the cigarette and lights it.

"How are things between Lexa and Clarke?" Luna asks out of nowhere.

"Well, I don't know really…I think things are going better? I don't know" Raven shakes her head not sure about the proper answer because just before the opening Lexa told her that Clarke might be not in love with her anymore and now she saw Clarke and Lexa smiling at one another like they used to do when she first met them.

"Fuck! Is that what Lexa said?" Luna asks again.

"Yeah…no I mean she didn't say that but did you see Clarke tonight? How she was looking at her?" Raven points out.

"Yeah I saw that masquerade and I saw her eyefucking Niylah too so it doesn't really count"

"Really?" Raven asks to be sure and Luna nods "She was devouring her with her eyes I mean did you see how she dressed? A red short dress I mean she looks part of the exhibition"

Raven huffs before turning off her cigarette and going back inside looking for Clarke. If she doesn't know her limit Raven is going to help her. When she spots Clarke, Lexa is with her and they are talking to an old couple so she waits for a moment and then when she sees Lexa heading to the bathrooms she takes the opportunity to tug at Clarke's arm gesturing for her to follow her.

Clarke fakes a smile to the old couple and follows Raven to a silent corner in the museum.

"What are you doing?" Raven dives right into it.

"What?" Clarke looks more than puzzled at her.

"You know what I'm talking about. You were eyefucking Niylah"

"I…I wasn't and it is none of your business" Clarke defends herself.

"Yes it is, she is my best friend and she is your wife for fuck's sake" Raven snaps at Clarke.

"Thanks for the reminder, I know that" Clarke deadpans before going back to show.

Lexa runs to the bathroom feeling the urge to vomit. Once she puke her guts she stands up and washes herself and looks at the bathroom mirror happily. It might have worked.

The insemination she did few weeks ago might have worked and she might be pregnant. She walks back and looks for Clarke but can't find her anywhere. Then she sees Raven getting back inside and she rushes to her.

"Hey, have you seen Clarke?"

"No" Raven replies before walking to Alice to let her know that she is leaving.

Meanwhile, Lexa decides to talk with Octavia and her brother because she hadn't seen him for a while.

"Hey, Bell. It's nice to see you here" Lexa says with a smile on her face.

"Hi Lexa! It's good to be back too and congratulations for the exhibition I'm sure you've helped a lot" Bellamy replies after pecking Lexa's cheek.

"Well not this time around" Lexa jokes "I was the one who made things worse I think" She adds honestly.

"That's fine, Clarke loves you and it is hard to be with someone who loves his work as much as he loves you. I've been there done that"

"Don't remind me" Lexa comments then looks at Octavia who was silent "are you enjoying your night, O?"

Octavia looks back at her friend and gives her a fake smile "Yeah! I really liked one of the artists"

"Oh, really? You're into art now?" Lexa asks genuinely making Bellamy laugh "what?"

"She was into the artist himself not his art"

"I am into his abs" Octavia deadpans.

"Wow, spare me the details and he is not…he is not worthy of you" Bellamy interrupts.

"Then who is?" Octavia asks sarcastically knowing that Bellamy always says that no one is worthy of her.

"Raven is" Lexa blurs out before she can stop herself.

"What?" Bellamy asks shocked then he looks at his sister "why didn't you tell me?"

Octavia rolls her eyes "There's nothing to tell and thank you Lexa"

"I'm sorry" Lexa apologizes "I've gotta go" Lexa rushes to the bathroom feeling nauseous again.

Few minutes later she comes out of the bathroom with a big smile on her face despite the way she was feeling physically. She was happy because it might have worked and it might save her marriage. She starts looking for Clarke again when she thinks about looking for her in her office, the only place she didn't check yet.

Lexa is walking to Clarke's office when she sees her with Niylah in a not so professional position. Niylah is backing her into her office she is about to kiss her or they are making out. Lexa can't tell because Clarke has her head back with eyes shut and Niylah's face is in her neck.

She turns around and rushes back to the exhibition eyes blurred with tears. She can't handle the sight of what's is going to happen and neither can she face Clarke and Niylah about what they are doing. The first thing her head ordered was to get away so she left, she left and went home.

Two hours later, Clarke get home and starts unbuttoning her shirt when she turn on the lights to change she finds Lexa awake waiting for her and still wearing in her dress.

"Lexa! I thought you'd be asleep by now" Clarke says walking towards her dresser while Lexa is trying to fight her tears back in not knowing how she is going to start or rather end it.

"Argg! The opening was amazing but I'm exhausted…I can't believe it is done I mean we worked for it for so-" Clarke is talking then she stops when she sees Lexa about to cry "babe! Are you ok?"

Lexa stands up and Clarke walks closer to her when Lexa steps back and lets out "I know..I saw it" Lexa shakes her head tears spilling down her cheeks.

Clarke's lips part then close, the way Lexa is looking it is obvious what she is talking about. Clarke starts feeling her own eyes welling up in tears, she walks to Lexa and tries to wrap her arms around her but Lexa yank them away and pushes her.

Clarke looks devastated at Lexa and walks back into Lexa's personal space but without touching her "I'm sorry" She says and Lexa can't help the sob escaping her mouth.

The sight of Lexa crying is shattering, Clarke tries to comfort Lexa but this time Lexa doesn't push her but slaps her and Clarke gasps. She knows she deserves it, she looks back at Lexa ready to hold her in her arms and Lexa lashes out at her screaming ' _Fuck you! Fuck you'_ while trying to push her away from her.

Clarke persists and ends up wrapping her arms tightly around Lexa and pushing on their bed. Lexa feels defeated and cries while Clarke is kissing her everywhere while apologizing and telling her ' _I love you's'_

Lexa is angry, hurt and tired. She lets Clarke take whatever left of her, she lets Clarke make love to her for one last time her cries muffled from time to time when Clarke kisses her. Then she flips them over and straddles Clarke taking control of her body. She takes what she needs from Clarke too. It's not love making, it is sex. Hate sex, she leaves angry bruises everywhere on Clarke's skin before packing few clothes and leaving.

The next morning Clarke wakes up with a banging on the door, she opens her eyes and looks at Lexa's side but doesn't find her. She puts a robe and walks to the door.

As soon as she opens the door, Raven's fist meets her face before she can know what is happening she growls at her "Don't you fucking dare come close to her again! You'll get the divorce papers in few days and you better fucking sign them"


	12. Chapter 12

_Change, we don't like it, we fear it. But we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn't, is lying. But here's the truth: Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, change is… everything._

Lexa is standing in the middle of 's cabinet, staring blankly at the poster on the wall of a couple smiling happily at their new born. Her face is void of any emotions.

"I can't believe this is happening!" Lexa comments after swallowing the lump she was feeling in the back of her throat before unbuttoning her dress.

It has been four months since the opening night, it has been four months she last saw Clarke. It has been four months full of sleepless nights, four months of tears and attempts to heal her broken her. It has also been four months sleeping over her father's place. Four months of instability, of hurt, anger and loneliness.

Lexa has spent the worst four months of her life, she never thought that she would be so confused about her feelings. In one hand, her anger and pain push her to want to hate Clarke and in the other hand the baby growing in her makes her miss Clarke more.

looks at Lexa with a sympathetic smile when Lexa speaks again "When I did this, I thought I had an amount of security, of stability…whether it worked or not me and Clarke would always have one another"

"When are you planning to tell Clarke?" asks her.

"Right about now, if everything is going to go well and nothing is going to go wrong" Lexa pauses for a few seconds then adds "I don't think Clarke can handle another miscarriage"

looks surprised at Lexa's body only in her underwears "Well…look at you" She gestures at Lexa belly.

"Yeah, it sort of…just popped. I'm not ready to tell anybody. I wanna keep it to myself for a while"

The old lady smiles at Lexa and shakes her head "That's not gonna be easy my dear"

"It looks like I'm having this baby on my own" Lexa interrupts her OB.

"Oh, that's a shame Lexa!" She replies honestly.

"Don't say that" Lexa defends hastily "people do it all the time"

"And you're ok with that?" insists again knowing that Lexa did it for Clarke because she loves her and she wanted to have a family with her and now she is on her own. She remembers the first time she met the couple, Lexa told her that she never thought about having a baby before marrying Clarke.

Lexa sighs "I want this baby now more than ever".

Indeed, Lexa wants this baby more than ever because she wants to have love, unconditional one. In addition, this baby is a product of love, she knows it and she doesn't doubt it.

"Ok! Let's see how is your baby doing" says with a smile.

After three months of constant flirting, flowers and kind of forced dates, Clarke agreed to give Niylah a chance so for the last month they have been dating or kind of as Clarke's mind and heart were still with Lexa who sent her the divorce papers and she heard nothing from her ever again.

She tried to talk to their friends but to not avail. Of course she had to deal with Raven multiple times before she got the information that Lexa is not living in LA anymore. When she called Lexa's father, he insulted her and hanged up the phone which was a clue for her to not ever try to call and ask him about Lexa anymore.

Having no choice, Clarke asked Luna and Dana to let her know if ever Lexa would come back to visit Raven or them so she can talk to her.

Clarke wakes up in Niylah's bed naked under her sheets. Her eyes open wide when she sees the body laying naked next to her. It's different, nothing she is used to. Instead of feeling Lexa's brown locks tickling her side, it's Niylah's blonde hair. She sighs and tries to wake up without waking up the woman next to her but she fails.

"Good morning!" Niylah smiles happily at Lexa "I'm so happy to finally have you here and…you know"

Clarke tries to smile at Niylah but can't. Niylah scoots closer to her and starts dropping kisses to her neck. Clarke closes her eyes and all she can see is Lexa's green eyes. Her heart aches, she opens her eyes again and pushes Niylah off of her "I'm sorry, I can't"

"Hey! What's going on?" Niylah's face falls.

"I just can't, I'm sorry Niylah" Clarke apologizes, wraps the sheet around her naked body and gets out of bed.

"What does that mean?" Niylah asks with a sad look.

Clarke shakes her head "I'm sorry, I really tried but I can't. You are beautiful and an amazing woman but I love Lexa…I love her, I do and being here with you is just pushing me away from her"

It has been few weeks since the last time Raven came to the Grounders. The last time she came it was a disaster. Alice has dragged her to celebrate Luna's birthday. Octavia was there and with a woman, a woman Raven never met before. Octavia completely ignored her that morning and since then she didn't come back.

Today, Lexa insisted to meet her and their friends at the Grounders, she missed them and she was feeling lonely so there was no way for Raven to say no. Yesterday, Lexa called her and every one of their group of friends except for Clarke and told them that she will be early at morning at the Grounders to see them.

Raven haven't seen Lexa for two months now and except for the facetime which became almost rare, not as much regular as when first Lexa left because she found a job and she was busy working and so was Raven with her new project.

When Raven arrives, she finds new employees at the café. Neither Octavia nor Bellamy were at sight, she was a little bit happy but at the same time she was worried and curious to know where could be the Blake siblings.

Alice was sitting with Luna at their usual table, she walks there and feels weird. A lot has changed since the last she has seen her friends. They have a lot catching up to do.

"Hey there!" Raven gives Alice and Luna a fake friendly smile.

"What a pleasant surprise, Raven is finally gracing us with her presence" Alice comments playfully.

"It's nice to see you alive, Raven" Luna adds chuckling happy to see Raven.

"It's nice to see your ugly faces" Raven replies sitting on her usual spot.

"So how is Lexa?" Luna asks Raven seriously.

"Well I think Clarke didn't call her again" Alice replies and Raven frowns.

"She better not" Raven comments.

"This coffee tastes like poopy shit" Alice says after sipping at her coffee "where's Octavia?"

"I haven't seen her in days, I've no idea" Luna shakes her head catching Raven's interest.

"How did you not see her in days while you're here-" Raven asks curiously when Luna interrupts her "Oh shit!"

"What?" Raven asks confused and turns to look behind her when she sees Tonya by the counter ordering her coffee.

"Fuck, not her! Not now!" Alice exclaims and before Raven can ask them what is going on Tonya interrupts them.

"Oh my God! This place is falling apart! Did you hear what happened to Octavia?"

The three women look at Tonya with the same expression on their face. How can she know what happened and where is Octavia while she barely knows her?

"A nervous break down. A complete shit to be honest, she was hospitalized for an overdose" Alice's and Luna's eyes bulge while Raven is shocked, how did she not know? How did no one inform her?

"That's horrible" Alice exclaims in disbelief.

"We should visit her" Luna says and Tonya speaks again too fast "Too late, she is on a plane to God knows where"

Luna and Alice look at each other then back at Tonya, at the same time Dana arrives and greets them but no one heard her. She sits next to her girlfriend Tonya and asks "What's these faces?"

"I told them about Octavia!" Tonya replies.

"Why didn't you tell us Dana?" Luna looks at Dana furiously.

"Geez! Relax, she didn't want anyone to know so…" Dana looks at Tonya then back at her friends and notices the devastation on their faces then again back at Tonya "What did you tell them?"

"That Octavia is doing drugs and that she left to God knows where!" Tonya replies and Dana rolls her eyes.

"She is not on drugs, Tonya" Dana defends.

"Did you see how she came to your place in the middle of the night?" Tonya says and Raven's heart breaks.

"She was drunk that's all" Dana reassures her friends.

"Where the hell is she?" Raven asks angrily.

"I…I can't tell you, Raven I'm sorry but she is ok…she is safe" Dana nods reassuringly and Raven looks away feeling relieved and a little bit exposed then takes her phone and fidgets with it.

"So how is the wedding planning?" Luna asks trying to change the topic.

Dana is about to talk when Tonya interrupts her "Well, I almost became her ex fiancée yesterday because she freaked out"

Alice eyes study intently Dana who forces a fake smile "Yeah, I freaked out but-" She doesn't say anything else she stares back into Alice's eyes.

 _Few days ago…_

 _It was dark and Dana was running outside. She needed to get away, to rest a little bit and the only way she can do it without Tonya clinging to her is to go for a late run. Alice was driving in the neighborhood when she notices her, she pulls her car over and calls her out._

 _Alice insists and they end up getting drunk in her car. One thing leads to another and Dana finds herself leaning in to kiss Alice. The kiss was terrible, it tasted cheap vodka but it didn't stop them._

 _Alice laughs against Dana's lips too drunk to know what she is doing. She is kissing her friend who is engaged. Dana somehow confesses that since the first time she met her, she wants to kiss her._

" _Well here you kissed me, did I level up to your expectations?" Alice asks trying to keep a serious tone._

" _No" Dana chuckles "it was more romantic in my head…kind of slow motion movie kisses"_

 _Alice looks at Dana then they both burst in laughter. After their laughs die, Alice tries again and this time it is better despite the same cheap vodka taste lingering on their tongues, the kiss is softer and deeper. A kiss turns into another and they end up making out at the back of Alice's car until Dana's phone chimes._

" _I'm sorry" Dana says before opening the door and leaving Alice there. They haven't talked about it since and Dana did her best to avoid Alice._

"Are you ok, Alice?" Both Alice and Dana are brought back from their thoughts by Tonya's annoying questioning voice.

Tonya was looking between Dana and Alice who kind of zoned out for a moment staring at one another.

"I….emm! Yeah I just freaked out about Octavia" Alice stutters.

"So how is Lexa? Has Clarke called about the divorce papers yet? She wants to ask her for another chance" Dana asks curious.

"Apparently she walked on them in their very own bedroom" Tonya gossips.

Raven looks up from her phone at Tonya ready to say something when Luna elbows her and looks behind Tonya's back and she sees Lexa coming their direction.

"That's not what happened!" Alice exclaims annoyed "She saw them hand in hand and she guessed"

"What?" Dana lets out loudly "That's stupid" She adds then both Raven and Luna bulge their eyes nodding behind her.

"Oh, Lexa!" Dana smiles and Lexa forces a fake smile at her and Tonya. She heard them.

They all greet her except for Raven who stands up and hugs her "I missed you"

"I missed you too" Lexa replies before sitting next to Raven.

"So how are you Lexa?" Tonya asks and Raven wants to punch her in the face.

"I'm fine, how have you been ladies?" Lexa asks looking at all her friends.

Luna takes her phone and texts Clarke to let her know that Lexa is at the Grounders.

They talk for a moment about what they have been doing the last few weeks to catch up. Dana does her best to shut her fiancée's gossip for a moment then feels tired. She goes to the bathroom and a few seconds later Alice follows her. She knows Dana is going to avoid her but they need to talk.

As soon as Alice pushes the door of the bathroom Dana walks to leave but Alice stops her "How long are you going to avoid me?"

Dana sighs "Are we gonna talk about our kiss?" She asks warily. She doesn't know how she feels nor what she thinks about what happened.

"About what?" Alice asks back confused. It's not about the kiss, it is more. Alice wants to talk about the way she feels like Dana is a magnet and she is the metal.

Dana looks at her then smiles "Ok, we shouldn't" She tries to leave again cowardly.

"Hold on" Alice says and Dana looks back at her "it was a mistake, right?" Alice guesses what Dana would want to hear because obviously she is the one trying to avoid her.

Dana is nervous, she looks down at her shoes then up at Alice and shrugs "If you say so"

"Well! What about you? What do you say?" Alice asks feeling like Dana is trying to escape.

"You're the one who kissed me first" Dana childishly replies.

Alice lets out a chuckle "I kind of remember you kissing me back"

"After you started it" Dana insists not knowing how to reply.

Alice looks at her lips then up into her eyes and asks softly "So if I was to kiss you again?" Alice doesn't finish her sentence instead she looks at her lips again and Dana mirrors her looking at her lips hungrily.

Alice leans in closer to Dana's face and stopping to look at her and see if she is ok or she should stop and not kiss her but all Dana does is look at her stupidly so Alice pushes her lips softly against Dana's for a long kiss.

Dana quickly reciprocates and wraps her arms around her waist and deepens the kiss. They make out for a moment and forget everything around them until they are interrupted by a customer who got in.

Once they are back to the table, they see Clarke walking to their table while Lexa and all their friends are unaware and talking about Lexa's new job.

Alice sits and elbows Raven who looks at her questioningly and before she can say her anything Clarke is standing before them.

Lexa stops talking and so does everyone. She looks at Clarke for the first time in months. Lexa misses her but at the same time it hurts to look at her. Raven stands up ready to push Clarke away but Lexa quickly stops her "I'm fine" She murmurs thinking ' _I can defend myself'_.

Dana and Tonya are looking at Clarke waiting to hear what she has to say, Alice and Raven are staring daggers at her and Lexa is painfully looking at her.

"Do you want us to leave?" Luna asks standing up and hoping her friends will follow her so they could give them some space to talk but Clarke shakes her head and answers before anyone can say anything "Don't worry! I'm not going to ask to join you. I know that you probably all think I'm a monster…I just have..I have something I need to say to Lexa"

"I think we should go" Luna adds looking at her friends.

"No! If she has something to say, she can do it here" Lexa replies looking angrily at Clarke.

Weird glances are shared between the friends feeling trapped except for Raven who is happy to not go and give Clarke the opportunity to approach Lexa alone.

"Lexa" Clarke feels a lump in her throat and feels disarmed at the way everyone is looking at her. Tears well in her eyes she lets out a deep breath before continuing "I tried to see you and call you about the divorce papers but you disappeared. I get it you want some space but I think it's…we don't have to do this. You didn't give me the chance to let you know that I'm not going to ever see her again, I'm not going to speak to her again, I'm not going to think about her ever again"

Lexa looks at Clarke feeling anger boiling up in her guts, she closes her eyes trying to keep calm and when she opens them again, Clarke adds "I miss you…more than that I need you and I don't think that I can live without you" Tears start spilling down Clarke's cheeks but Lexa is looking at her impassive.

"It's completely and totally over" Clarke manages to add after wiping her tears away.

"When did you end it?" Lexa asks coldly.

Clarke frowns "This morning and I told her that you're the love of my life"

If looks could kill, Clarke would be dead right away. Lexa looks at Clarke eyes filled with hate and anger "I drove by the house yesterday and your car wasn't there! Did you fuck all night before you told her I was the love of your life this morning?"

Clarke is speechless, just as she is about to reply to defend herself Raven stands up and gives her a warning look. She looks at Lexa waiting for her to say something but Lexa won't meet her eyes. She stands up and leaves then Raven follows her.

"If you can't keep it in your pants don't get married, right honey?" Tonya comments looking at her fiancée Dana. Clarke looks at her "Shut the fuck up" She spits out before leaving.

Alice looks at Dana in disbelief and so does Luna. Dana smiles apologetically at them not knowing what to say or do to control her fiancée's mouth.

"We should go" Dana says feeling embarrassed.

"Yeah! Bye" Alice shouts as Dana and Tonya are leaving.

Raven manages to convince Lexa to not leave again in this state of mind. She knows her best friend is unhappy and the more she isolates herself, the more she sinks further in her depression.

"I should leave, Raven. I just wanted to see you" Lexa says.

"You're not leaving anyway, Lexa! You're staying here with me until you figure out what's next" Raven insists again.

"No, I can't. What about my father?"

"He's going to be fine, you should worry about yourself and not him"

"I'm fine. The sooner this divorce ends the better" Lexa huffs.

"I'm not talking about the divorce, Lexa. I know it is not easy and everything but you gotta get your shit together and go back to work, maybe take the job Alice's boss offered you and maybe stop eating junk food!"

"Junk food?" Lexa is confused "I'm not eating junk food"

Raven chuckles "You're eating your pain as much as Clarke is smoking and drinking hers" Lexa doesn't meet her eyes, she knows she might look she got a little weight but it is more than that. She has a baby bump and it started to show and she has been trying to hide it under large clothes.

Lexa smiles weakly at her best friend "I'm not fat-" Before she can continue Raven interrupts her gesturing at her "Lexa! Yes you are"

"No, I'm not!" Lexa says standing up and lifting her shirt up showing Raven her baby bump.

Raven freezes and instead of smiling and being happy she breathes out a ' _Fuck_ ' and squeezes her eyes close.

"Hey! I'm going to be fine. Don't worry" Lexa tries to reassure Raven who opens her eyes again and shakes her head "No! you're not. It's going to be even more complicated. How and when I don't understand?"

"I tried again when me and Clarke was still together"

"Fuck! Now you really need to be here so I can…we can help you know!" Raven says and Lexa's heart warms.

"I don't know! I don't think it's a good idea" Lexa replies sceptic.

"What? Come on Lexa! You should be surrounded by your friends who love you and can help not an old man and his wife and I mean…your whole life is here you can get a job and get your own place…what would you do at your fathers?"

Lexa thinks for a moment than nods "You're right. I need to get my life back together"


	13. Chapter 13

_Two weeks later…_

Clarke is alone. She used to have everything, a wife and friends and now all she has left is Monty's sympathy from time to time when he tries to hang out with her but they end up silent or drunk. In the past few weeks, she learnt what the meaning of loneliness is in the hard way.

She was doing her best to postpone the divorce, she was hoping to convince Lexa to give her another chance despite knowing that it is a lost battle from the beginning. Lexa warned her that it would be the last time she would give her a chance and she ruined it once again in the worst possible way.

As for Lexa, she went back to her father's place and told him that she will need to be in LA for the divorce and for her new job and that she will be staying at Raven's place. She took whatever she had of clothes and personal stuff from his place and went back to stay at Ravens.

She started her new job but it living back in LA was not really helpful. She spent her days between work and her bed, she refused to hang out with her friends while her baby bump became more visible. She wasn't ready to tell anyone else except for Raven.

Raven spent two weeks trying to help Lexa, her best friend out of her depression but to no avail. In fact, she didn't really insist because she was too busy with her own problems. Her heart was aching, she had no idea where the hell Octavia was with her new girlfriend.

She tried to call her but Octavia won't answer her calls and when she tried with Bellamy he told her he is as clueless as she is. She warned him that the Grounders was declining and that he needs to be back otherwise they are going to lose all their clients but he told her that he can't be in two places at the same time that he has other responsibilities now and Octavia should take care of her now own business by herself.

Every time she asked Dana, she told her that she is fine and that she is talking to her and sending her pictures of her trip and the places she is visiting but that she can't tell her where she is.

Raven called her friends and told them about Lexa's mood and depression and they concluded that she needs an intervention so they can have their old Lexa.

They ended up talking her into going for dinner in their favorite Chinese restaurant and later for a lesbian club for a lap dance. She was never one interested in such places but her friends judged that she needed a lap dance arguing that it will help her get back in the mood of going out and dating.

When Raven and Lexa walk into the restaurant they find their friends already seated and waiting for them.

"Well I doubted you would make it but here you are" Alice says cheerfully welcoming them.

"She threatened to kick me out of her place so" Lexa shrugs and Raven smirks "You're going to thank me later"

"So are you ready for tonight?" Tonya asks abruptly.

Lexa looks up from her menu then smiles at her "Not really but we'll see how it goes"

"I get it, the only ass you ever had was Clarke's and she has a fine one so it is going to be a challenge for whoever this stripper is" Luna comments and Lexa smiles weakly at them, she doesn't need to remember Clarke's ass, she is here to forget about it.

Dana's eyes widen surprised at what she just heard thinking that Lexa was straight she can't help asking "Were you straight or what?"

"No! I just…Clarke is my first love and I grew up in a rather strict family" Lexa explains and Dana nods "Oh! Ok"

"So it's going to be your first lap dance?" Alice asks again curious to know if Clarke ever did a lap dance for her, Lexa blushes then shakes her head.

"Ok, let's order our food, shall we? I'm starving" Raven interrupts changing the topic. They are here to make her forget about Clarke and not keep on talking about her ass and bringing back memories.

Lexa smiles at her gratefully then looks back down at the menu in her hand and orders her food.

The dinner goes pretty well after that except when Clarke walks in with Monty. Luna and Lexa are the first ones who notice them, Lexa's smile falls and she looks away while Luna excuses herself and walks to them.

Just as she is about to greet Clarke who she hasn't seen for two weeks, Clarke interject angrily "I'm leaving don't bother" Clarke feels hurt seeing all her friends having a fun night around a luxurious dinner and Lexa is smiling while she is alone and miserable.

"No, Clarke wait. It's not like that…it's not what you think but…" Luna sighs "It's shitty and she needs it she is-" Before Luna continues Clarke interrupts her "It's fine I get it"

Luna flashes an apologetic smile at her friend and adds "I'm sorry"

"Thank you" Clarke nods before hooking her arm around Monty's and leaves the restaurant.

Later that evening, Alice and Luna push Lexa to choose the stripper on her own while Dana and Tonya are having fun with another dancer. As for Raven, she is at the bar trying once again to get in touch with Octavia. She sighs when she sees that she is reading her messages but she is not replying to any of them. She shoves the phone in her pocket and looks back at her friends.

When Luna notices that Raven is not with them and she is fidgeting sadly at her phone, she walks to the bar and joins her "Hey there!"

Raven turns and looks at her friend "Hey!"

"You're not drinking?" Luna asks curious and Raven shakes her head "It's Lexa's night and I don't want anything bad happening to her and you guys are all drinking. I need to be sober"

"She's not drinking too" Luna comments "and she looks…different! Maybe a little bit pregnant?"

Raven looks at Luna and nods "Don't tell anyone. Clarke doesn't know yet"

"Well I'll try" Luna comments thinking about Clarke. She hates that they are now somehow picking sides so instead of talking further about Lexa and Clarke, Luna asks "Any news from Octavia?"

Raven sighs "No, I'm texting her like daily but nothing in return. Did you talk to her lately?"

"No! I haven't. I called her but she didn't pick up so I didn't try again"

Raven looks sadly at Luna and nods "I don't know what's going on in her head"

Luna doesn't reply because she knows Raven is thinking loudly rather than asking her. They both look back at their friends. Dana and her fiancée are now with Alice gesturing happily and teasing Lexa who is now having a lap dance from a blonde stripper.

Luna frowns then looks at Raven "Doesn't she look a lot like Clarke?" Raven looks at her and nods sadly. She feels sorry for Lexa realizing that she misses her wife.

"What if she still loves her? I mean, it's obvious that they're made for one another" Luna comments then adds "we should talk to Lexa"

"Absolutely not" Raven disagrees firmly "she didn't go a little overboard, she fucked up big"

"We all make mistakes, Raven and not everything in life is black or white…life is full of different shades of grey"

"Well cheating is dark black and there's no way to lighten its shade. Cheating is cheating"

"Then we should go there and do something, don't you think?" Luna asks and Raven nods.

As soon as Raven joins them she tugs at the stripper's arm and murmurs something in her ear before taking Lexa's hand and walking her outside the strip club.

Lexa doesn't resist, she is exhausted and emotionally worn out all she wants is to get back to bed and cry her broken heart.

The next morning, Raven wakes up in a terrible mood even worse than the previous day. The first thing she does is check her phone hoping Octavia might reply to one of her texts or at least insult her. She just wishes to find something and not being ignored for so long.

She stumbles to the kitchen and finds Lexa sipping her tea, ready to leave.

"You're early today!" Raven exclaims.

"Yeah! I'm meeting with my lawyer, Helena Peabody" Lexa replies warily.

"Oh! So when is it happening?" Raven asks back while pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"Tomorrow" Lexa lets out taking another sip from her tea.

"Are you ready?"

Lexa looks at her best friend for a moment then shrugs "I guess I am" Raven smiles at her reassuringly "It's going to be ok"

"I hope so!" Lexa breathes out "I want it to end as soon as possible because I can't hide this anymore! Look at me" Lexa gestures at her baby bump.

"Just one more day and you won't see her again"

"Well by the way, can you please ask Alice or someone to tell her that I'll be going hom- at her place to pick up some of my clothes and I'd rather not meet her there!"

"I can do it if you want" Raven suggests.

"I don't think it is a good idea" Lexa grimaces "just see if Alice can tell her"

"Ok, I will. Do you want me to drive you somewhere?" Raven offers but Lexa shakes her head "It's ok, Helena is coming to pick me up"

Raven raises her eyebrow "Helena! Is it included in her paycheck?"

Lexa rolls her eyes "She is just trying to help"

"If you say so!" Raven replies before leaving to the Grounders knowing that she might find Dana.

Indeed, when she gets to the Grounder she finds Dana eating her fiancée's face obnoxiously.

"Can you stop for a minute" Raven interrupts them and Dana smiles blushingly.

"No, actually! She is busy" Tonya replies before smashing her lips against Dana's again.

"God!" Raven huffs when Dana breaks the kiss again "sorry! Raven. How are you this morning?"

Raven gives Dana a ' _Are you fucking kidding me?_ ' look before answering "Just like I woke up yesterday. Are you going to tell me where the hell Octavia is?"

Dana shakes her head "I'm sorry! I can't"

"Cut the crap, Dana and tell me where is she? You're the only one who knows where she is, not even Bellamy knows and this place is crumbling down. If it's not for my sake, do it for her own good. She is being stupid and reckless! She needs to stop this rebellion and random trip with God knows who and come back to her business"

Dana is taken aback by Raven's tone. She has seen her angry but not like now "I'll try and tell her that" She replies but Raven isn't satisfied with her response.

"Trying? Are you kidding me? The Grounders is not trying to fall apart, it IS falling apart" Raven lets out angrily "Give me your damn phone" She adds before taking Dana's phone from the table but fails to open it.

"You password!"

"You should chill the fuck out, Raven. We know you love Octavia and you're worrying about her but you should neither worry nor love her because she clearly doesn't give a fuck about you" Tonya interjects making Raven's blood boil further.

Raven looks at Dana but when she sees that she is not saying anything to what her fiancée just said, she pushes her chair and storms out.

Raven goes to work and when she gets back home later that day she hears Lexa sniffing silently. Her heart aches, she wants to help Lexa feel better but she is knows it's a lost battle. So she walks the way to her room without glancing at Lexa

Clarke arrives with her lawyer and sits across Lexa and Helena Peabody who is Lexa's lawyer and happens to be the daughter of Mrs. Peabody.

Before they can say anything at all, Helena dives straight into it "Why don't you tell me what you two have in mind?"

Clarke looks at Helena then at Lexa trying to meet her eyes but Lexa is looking at her lawyer instead. She takes a deep breath just as her lawyer replies "Ok! Well my client and I have the intention to make this as painless as possible. We offer to cover all living expenses for Miss Woods including her own apartment and an initial ten thousand dollars to be dispersed in anyway Miss Woods sees fit"

As Clarke's lawyer is speaking Lexa meets Clarke's eyes feeling a little bit surprised and pleased about the offer. Clarke smiles at her trying to communicate that she is willing to make things right this time around but Lexa quickly averts her eyes back to Clarke's lawyer.

Clarke's face falls back as her lawyer ends up their offer but Lexa is silent. She doesn't know what to think about it so she looks at Helena who shakes her head disapprovingly.

"Oh! Come on' that's sweet but short term. We're here to talk financial separation as well" Clarke frowns looking back at Lexa, she wasn't expecting Lexa to go after her money or her belongings.

Helena swipes the documents in her hands "we've a house, cars, vacations, love commitment, a promise to be true" As she was stating all of it Lexa squeezed her eyes shut "a baby that was lost, trust that was broken" Lexa opens her eyes and meets Clarke eyes feeling her heart dropping but not showing any emotion. She needed to be strong for herself and her baby.

"I don't know about you but that sounds like my client deserves much better from this marriage" Helena argued and Clarke's eyes start to well up in tears realizing the enormous step they are taking right now.

"She does" Clarke mumbles and her lawyer tries to silent her in a warning tone "Clarke!" But Clarke doesn't care. She is hurting and she can't just get away with she did just like that. She can't let Lexa think that she wants this marriage to end.

"She deserves everything, it is a marriage, it still is and I don't want it to end" Clarke ignores her lawyer and adds "Lexa! Please! Look at me"

Helena chuckles "Yeah! It's a little late for that so let's get back to the business in hand, the equitable division of funds" Clarke greets her teeth and looks away trying to meet Lexa's eyes again but Lexa is willingly avoiding it to not fall apart.

So instead of hearing Helena and her lawyer's arguing, Clarke stands up from her chair and walks to Lexa and kneels beside her, placing her hand softly on her cheek to get her attention. Lexa looks down at her and her heart shatters Clarke's blue eyes are filled with tears and from close she can see the dark circles under her eyes.

"How many times do I have to say that I am sorry" Clarke says and Helena lets out a snarky comment "Here we go" She leans in her chair and observes the scene in front of her.

Clarke ignores her and continues "Please, Lexa I'm begging you. Don't do this to us, this is not who we are. Lexa? We can fix this, ok? We can fix this. Lexa! Do you still love me?"

Lexa is staring at Clarke speechless and now she just asked her a question she will never be able to reply, not right now, not so soon and not in these circumstances. Seeing the lack of response, Clarke's chin trembles and she hardly can say the next words again afraid of what she may hear "Do you still love me? Don't do this, don't destroy us"

"If I can just interject for a second here. It wasn't Lexa who destroyed this marriage. It was you and this is good to remember as you should be dealing with the consequences now"

"I am dealing with the consequences" Clarke deadpans angrily hating the way Helena keeps on interrupting and getting in between them so rudely.

"Good for you but this is about Lexa and not about you, about what SHE wants" Helena replies then looks at Lexa and adds "Lexa? Is this what you want?"

Lexa looks down at her hands then says "I think it needs to be different"

"It will be" Clarke quickly promises hoping that Lexa wants to give her another chance but then Helene speaks "Did you hear that? Why don't you get off the floor and let her do what she wants for once instead of you running the whole show? Come on'" Helena tugs at Clarke's shoulder to make her leave.

Clarke shrugs Helena's hand violently and again she tries to make Lexa looks at her but Lexa refuses to look into her pleading blue eyes again so she closes them and waits for Clarke to leave her personal space. Clarke looks down at her feet and stands up, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Why don't we reschedule this at a time where everyone is feeling a little less dramatic?" Helena says as she walks to the door of her office and opens it for Clarke and her lawyer to leave.

As soon as the door closes Helena sits next to Lexa and tries to comfort her rubbing her hand over her knee "It's going to be ok, just remember you need to focus on you and the baby. Be selfish for once!"

Lexa nods and stands up needing to get her personal space back again.

"How are you feeling right now?"

"Angry" Lexa simply replies while pacing in the office "she keeps apologizing but it is meaningless…I feel mad"

"Good! Anger will help you change your life. Come on sit down" Helena pats the chair next to her gesturing for Lexa to join her, Lexa sits back and looks at her expectantly.

"I want you to tell me what you need right now?" Helena says looking into Lexa's green eyes.

Lexa sighs and shrugs, she has no idea what she wants. Well, she wants a lot of things that can't happen.

"A foot massage? Ice-cream?" Helena suggests and Lexa shakes her head "I need my own life" She replies with a panicking tone. She starts to freak out which is not in her nature but the pregnancy hormones are making her feel like crazy adding to the emotional and difficult situation she is in.

"Then tell me what I can do to make that happen?" Helena smiles at Lexa taking her hands in hers. Lexa looks down at their hands and lets out a deep breath "I'm having a baby and I'm crashing at my best friend's place. I barely started working and I'm broke I mean I don't have much savings. I should take that deal"

"Out of question" Helena replies shaking her head "I'm not letting her win once again. My guest house is empty, you're going to move in to it until we get the deal we want, alright?"

Lexa stares intently at Helena for a moment before refusing "I can't do that, Helena!"

"It's fine" Helena reassures her "I'll get somebody to help you move in, don't worry. You know how many of my clients stayed at my guest house?"

Lexa looks at her speechless "Plenty" Helena continues "I'm happy to offer"

Lexa thinks for a minute before smiling "Ok, I'll do that"

Clarke leaves Helena's office in a mess. She barely manages to make it back to the CAC. Monty doesn't miss her puffy red eyes so instead of asking how it went, he cancels her meetings of the day and goes to her office and knocks lightly.

"Can I come in?" He asks hesitantly.

Clarke nods wiping her tears away "Of course, what do you need?"

"Nothing! I should ask you what can I do to help?"

"Invent a time traveling machine" Clarke replies with a broken voice.

"I'm afraid, I won't be able to do that" Monty says "but how about talking to Lexa? Maybe she would listen to someone like me? Someone who is not her friend nor yours? Someone with an objective view!"

Clarke looks at her phone which is chiming then ignores it and looks back at Monty intently and asks him "What would you tell her?"

Monty smiles at her then answers "I'd tell her ' _That Clarke might deserve to have her ass kicked but it doesn't change the fact that she loves you more than her own life and she should finish punishing her and get back to figuring out how to leave with one another for the next fifty years or more'_ it should be eloquent"

"Maybe you should give it a try" Clarke replies with a broken smile "I've nothing to lose anymore. I'm trying everything I can do to make her forgive me, to make her stay but she is not"

Clarke's phone starts off once again and this time Monty excuses himself leaving Clarke her privacy to pick up the phone call.

"Hey Alice!" Clarke manages to answer without a broken voice.

"Hi Clarke!" Alice greets her back.

"What's up?" Clarke asks eagerly hoping that Alice might tell her that Lexa might have felt her and seen her honesty back in Helena's office and wants to give her a shot, or to at least meet her to talk properly without a third party.

"I wanted to ask if you're going to be out of the house for a couple of hours tonight?" Alice asks confusing Clarke "cause Lexa wants to come by and pick up her clothes"

Clarke gulps her pain and answers "It's her house, she can come anytime she wants"

"Clarke! Not anymore. So can you please not be there for just a couple of hours?" Alice insists again and Clarke sighs "Ok" before hanging up.

Instead of doing as promised, Clarke does the complete opposite seeing an opportunity to be with Lexa alone and talk to her into cancelling the divorce. So she stays in her bedroom, lights off and waits for her wife to show up.

When Lexa gets in the house, she feels her heart aching at the familiar place which is now just a house for her and not a home anymore. She stops right in the living room looking around then she takes a deep breath to gather her strength and do what she needs to do and leave as soon as possible from this place which is suffocating her with beautiful memories.

Lexa turns off the lights and walks to her dressing room missing Clarke's sitting figure at the corner of the room.

"Lexa!" Clarke lets out softly in a desperate tone. Lexa startles and looks back at her but she doesn't say anything. Her features harden suddenly and she looks back at her dressing and starts packing few things.

"I needed to see you!" Clarke says "you don't even look at me anymore, that's fair"

Lexa greets her teeth and looks back at her "Nothing is fair, Clarke. You broke everything that meant anything to me"

"Let me fix it" Clarke begs.

"No" Lexa deadpans.

"I won't accept that" Clarke says stubbornly walking close to Lexa who replies coldly "Too bad"

Clarke lets out a tired breath and tries to explain "I'm sorry! I never meant to hurt you. I over estimated myself and when we lost the baby I kept ignoring my pain instead of dealing with it" Clarke is rambling and Lexa is silent.

Lexa finishes packing what she could and leaves the bedroom while Clarke is following her "and I ended up looking at someone else and you kept pushing me, I tried I really tried but you abandoned me as much as I did and I'm sorry I am really sorry for what-" Clarke stops hearing the sound of the door slamming at her face.


End file.
